


I Am Nothing Without A Man

by boneheadduluc



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alexandria Safe-Zone (Walking Dead), Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Bisexual, Bisexual Negan (Walking Dead), Biting, Body Worship, Caring, Cheating, Comfort Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Frustration in general, Hair-pulling, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Jealous Negan (Walking Dead), Jealous Shane Walsh, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Men Crying, Mutual Pining, Negan Being Negan (Walking Dead), Obsessive Behavior, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Pain, Praise Kink, Protective Rick Grimes, Protective Shane Walsh, Rough Kissing, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Scratching, Screaming, Secret Relationship, Sexual Frustration, Shane Being an Asshole, Shane Walsh - Freeform, Shane Walsh Has Issues, Shane Walsh Lives, Shane is a Mess, Shane is kinda crazy, So is Rick, Soft Rick Grimes, Suicidal Thoughts, Switching, Taking showers together, Time Skips, Top Shane Walsh, caring Shane Walsh, its really sad guyss, maybe :), negan comes by for a bit in this fic!, obsessive Shane Walsh, really bad situation, rick grimes - Freeform, rick legit doesnt even know his best friend loves him, the walking dead - Freeform, twd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 59,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneheadduluc/pseuds/boneheadduluc
Summary: Shane and Rick are in that field together- but Rick has second thoughts, he doesn't kill Shane-doesn't stab his heart and there's no hoard of Walkers coming at the farm, everything is perfectly still. But after Rick lets, Shane lives he wonders if that was the right thing to do. They go through winter at Hershel's farm, everything going to plan- and as they go through Winter Rick and Shane's relationship is unsteady as it begins to spiral out to a point where the men can't return from.
Relationships: Rick Grimes/Shane Walsh, ensemble (cast)
Comments: 82
Kudos: 68





	1. Its time to come back.

**Author's Note:**

> so basically in this fic Shane lives and no walker hoard comes to the farm when it does- so they stay most of thier winter there- this fic is basically about Shane and Ricks winter together- its all perfect but not really, Loris still pregnant and Shane is still battling with all that darkness in him- Loris still dies by the way after the birth of Judith goes south at the prison- leaving Shane and Rick to deal with all the guilt and shame and grief they feel and the aftermath
> 
> The title is from the song - "Civilian" by Wye Oak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Imma say is get ready for sum good ol' fashion PAIN

Everything should have been normal when they got to the farm, when winter began to approach, it should have all been ok. Well, as ok as it can be, considering it’s the end of the world and all.  
But, Rick is still alive and thriving-he’s still with Lori and Carl. His family.

Why can’t Shane let it go?

Shane is a man who knows right from wrong, he has a moral compass that is in good shape, he knows when to step up and when to step away, so Shane thinks and realizes, of course, he has to step away, Lori and Carl don't need him to watch and take care of them. They have Rick. 

Shane loves Lori, he would do anything for her, right? but is it Lori that Shane really loves?

He couldn't stop thinking about it, did he even care about her? Yes, of course, he did, yet that was the one thing that was driving him insane, she was the root of his downwards spiral. Each day that passed since Rick got back he couldn't stop asking himself the same question. Shane couldn't figure out what he was missing now. 

But now he had what used to be his closest friend at gunpoint, deep red and crimson blood-covered Shanes nose, chin, and lips- even some ran down to his neck, pooling at his chest. 

It got dark quickly-faster than Shane and Rick had expected. But it made Shane feel safer that way, no one could see them, Darryl and Glenn were still roaming around in the woods- probably going in circles, aimlessly. Or maybe they found Randall’s body, who knows? 

The moon was shining directly on the two of them, a bitter and angry silence stood there. Rick shivered, he was unarmed- (other than the knife in his back pocket, but Shane didn’t know that... he wouldn’t know that until it was too late) 

Rick swallowed the huge lump that lodged itself between his throat. “Shane…” Rick pleaded. “This ain’t you brother- this ain’t nothin’ like you.” He muttered. Rick would do anything else than kill his best friend, to kill the only man he ever genuinely loved. They were brothers, they always said that they were that close, they knew each other ever since they were kids, always were together, even if it drew a few suspicions about the two of them, from townsfolk or even their parents, well, it didn’t matter, they still stayed close.

Shane breathed heavily. Dark eyes trailing over the man in front of him. His arms were still raised, the gun pointed right at his head. His left eyebrow cocked upwards. “I’ve changed Rick, damn it, I’ve changed more than you’d know, and it doesn't matter if I kill you where ya stand, either way, I’ll always be an outsider, there’s no comin’ back from dis’. You know that Rick!” He raised his voice, anger boiling in his blood.

It slowly dawned on him he’ll never get Lori or Carl after this, he wouldn’t. It just would not happen, if anything Lori would go into a deep depression and push Shane away even further. And Shane would still suffer. So would Carl...but Shane shook his head, a dry chuckle coming from the bloody lips. He refused those thoughts. He would take Lori, Carl, and his new child. Killing Rick was a sacrifice he was willing to make. 

“No-no- Shane you don't get it. You can come back from this, of course, you can. Just put- put the damn gun down.” 

“No! Damn It No! You’ll just do the same thing you’ve been doin’ this entire time. Y'all will go back to treatin’ me like I’m sick-like I’m a - a danger to y'all! And you’ll ignore me, and push me away! Again! Fuck!-you weren’t supposed to come back- you were dead, man! “

“Shane…-” 

“Nah-I-I saw you, lying on that damn hospital bed, all these tubes and shit- I tried to carry you- and you...you didn’t even stir. I put my ear to your damn heart, I didn’t hear no heartbeat! You. were. Dead. And I couldn’t do nothin’. So I left! But you came back, why? Why did you get in between me and Lori!?” His voice cracked, pain seeped through his voice, some blood dripped off from his lip and he pushed the gun closer to Rick angrily. 

“Lori is my wife man! I get that yall thought I was dead! And She was grieving, obviously in need of comfort...but I fought hard to get back, to find her. She never divorced me- we were still married and we still are and we always will be! I didn’t get in between nothin’!” Rick was beginning to get more and more agitated, his calloused hands twitched, they were begging to just grab the knife and plunge it into Shane’s chest, take him out, fast, quick. As they went back and forth he was now genuinely wanting to kill Shane. It just seemed so easy. It would be, just catch him off his guard and lay him down on the grass and leave him there. To watch Shane bathe in his own blood and shame and hatred. 

“I was hurt too, man! I was hurt more than her! I knew you since we were seven, man! Howdy’a think I felt!?” Shane’s voice cracked again, he was now questioning himself, did he want this? To kill Rick? No one would ever trust him. He wouldn’t be the leader of their group, he would be outcasted. These thoughts fed his anger, he moved forward fast, pressing the cold metal barrel of the gun against Rick’s forehead. 

Rick froze

“Shane...Shane-” He held up a hand. All of his memories of Shane flooded back to him, they came rushing in. Every one of them, bad and good.  
The times in highschool where Shane and Rick were joking and hitting each other with wet towels in the locker room after gym class.  
When Rick left for college and Shane was pissed at him and wouldn’t talk to him, but eventually broke down and hugged the breath out of him- even the most painful one  
When Carl- Rick’s baby boy- got shot and Lori wasn’t there, only strangers except for….. Shane, Shane was the only one there. 

And Shane held him, cupped him by his cheeks and rested their foreheads together, and Rick held his face back, it was burned into Rick’s brain, the most intimate moment they had together, he could almost feel the way Shanes warm breath hit his cold face when he was whispering to him reassuring words that Rick couldn't recall now but he still almost could feel the warm but calloused palms of Shane, and the way a few of the strands of his black hair got caught between both of their foreheads. And then finally when Hershel came in and Shane pulled away so quickly as if they were never touching at all. 

And then even when Rick had Carl’s blood all over his forehead and cheeks, even some on the corner of his mouth and Shane pulled out a rag and got so close just to wipe all that blood of him. Gently too. Soft and carefully like it was something Lori would do. He couldn't forget it- the way Shane lingered too long on his cheek and lip with that rag and stared at him with dark eyes until he moved on to wipe the rest of his face. 

It stung badly to think about, and especially now. 

Shane stood there, pressing not a rag to his forehead like before, but now a cold gun. Rick sighed heavily, his hand going to the knife in his back holster-slowly. 

“Shane I understand how ya felt- you were hurt and it got worse when I came back-but listen, man, I’ve explained this to ya before, that is my wife and my boy. I know...I know you don't wanna hear that Shane but goddammit man! You’re spiraling outta control, and as your best friend- even if we aren’t at that point right now...I gotta help you.” Rick’s eye widened, his blue eyes threatening to tear as he attempted to reason with Shane, his body shivering as a breeze passed through, the long grass of the field blew past the men’s legs, going back and forth.

Shane’s breath trembled. He tried to calm it- breathing in deeply through his nose and out his mouth but still, you could hear the shakiness in it. His nose stung- a dull pain he wished someone could tend to, the blood was drying and it would be harder to get off his face if he came out of this alive.

“I just- I missed ya- and Lori was...she was the closest thing to you-” Shane trembled, trying to explain but it was much more complicated than this, his arm was beginning to sting because of how long he was aiming. His bloody lips quivered- bloody saliva dripped off his bottom lip onto the grass. 

“I know-I know brother-” Rick started, Shane finally met his eyes- Shane had an extremely distant and distraught look in his eyes. Deep eyes pleading for help- even if he didn’t know he was asking. Shane didn’t know what he wanted, and Rick knew that it broke Shane's heart.

Shane’s straight arm faltered. His grip on the gun loosened. It began moving off Rick’s forehead.

“Shane, you need to come back.” Rick’s voice dropped to an exhausted whisper at the end of his sentence. The gun barrel moved down and down. Away from Rick and down to the dirt that was under their feet. 

“It’s time for you to come back.” Rick hesitantly reached out. It was his turn to raise his arm now, but instead, he was going to grab Shane’s shoulder. He did it slowly like he was reaching out to touch a wounded wild dog. 

Shane was equivalent to a wounded wild animal, he was covered in blood, trembling and hurt with wild eyes. 

Shane’s tongue darted out, going to lick his bottom lip, it was a force of habit. But he was met with a sharp sting of pain, he forgot he split his lip and now he tasted even more blood. It distracted him momentarily, from the fact his shoulder was being held onto and squeezed in reassurance. 

When he realized Rick’s hand was on him he flinched, he thought maybe Rick would pull out a knife or something, he knew he usually had it on him - (even if he forgot about it earlier when he disarmed him)

But no knife came, no hot sting or painful throb.

Just a familiar- warm strong grip. Shane could feel each finger on his shoulder. He shook and shivered once more. Shane sighed- realizing how terrible he’d been, he never even let himself miss Rick. He just went straight to surviving and to Lori for comfort. Shane just ended up becoming too comfortable. And once Rick got back, he didn’t let himself be happy about it, he ignored the feelings of joy and the flips his stomach was doing at the moment. 

But he let himself feel it slightly at this moment under the moonlight, feel the joy for his friends return, even if it was too late. 

Rick’s hand fell to his hips, his head tilted forward, he looked to the dark ground. His eyebrows furrowed. 

“God-” Shane chuckled. “What in the hell has this become?” Shane couldn't help but get choked up all over again. 

Rick finally looked up, with sad eyes. “Why’d ya have to kill Randall?” Rick questioned softly, he didn’t want to risk getting Shane all riled up again. 

Shane looked up, silence hung for a few seconds before he inhaled through his mouth. “He had to die-he needed to die, ya wouldn't get it….I just had to do it, no one else was gonna make a move.” 

Rick looked at him, deep in thought. “Everyones gonna-”

“Hate me?” Shane cut him off, his voice was laced with a grim tone. Shane knew what was in store for him once everyone found out. 

Rick scrubbed at his jaw with his palm in uncertainty. “Maybe…” 

The two of them hushed now as they stood there under the moon, breeze passed by once more until a voice called out. 

“Did you find Randall, Dad!?” Carl was on the other side of the field, he was waving and calling out, hopefulness in his voice. But the boy was simply met with Rick telling him to go back inside to his mother, so Carl walked back stubborn and grumbling- leaving the two alone again. 

Shane watched as Carl ran back and he stuffed his gun under his belt, where it belonged. He rubbed the back of his shaved head for what seemed to be the hundredth time this day- it was becoming a new habit of his, but once his hand fell back to his side he looked up at Rick. 

“Here's your gun back, man.” He held out his arm, in his hand was the metal gun that Rick had given him earlier when Shane was about to blow his head to bits. 

Rick grabbed it quickly, examining it before stuffing it back into his holster.  
“C'mon let’s get ya cleaned up. We can wait for Darryl and Glenn to get back and then I’ll explain everything to them, to the group.” Rick grumbled, before wiping the sweat off his brow. 

“Nuh-uh- You don't gotta’ do dat Rick- I can handle myself Dontcha’ think?” Shane began as he took the first step to get back to the barn, and Rick followed behind him as they trudged through the tall grass of the field. 

“Not now Shane, you know they’ll all be against ya.” Rick shook his head and Shane didn’t respond at all, he just kept pushing through the dark field.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick and Shane finally got back to the farm- everyone was all panicked and concerned, but it felt too overwhelming for Rick to deal with so he told them to just relax and wait until Darryl and Glenn got back, then he would explain everything, but for now, he wanted to clean up Shane, Herschel offered help so Rick allowed it.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yep, definitely got a fractured nose- not too severe though- probably put some gauze in it and a bandage over the bridge of the nose where most trauma was caused, clean it up a bit- you’ll be good as new within 3 weeks.” Herschel smiled, stepping away from the bed Shane was sitting in.

“Rick- while I go get gauze and bandages, just clean up the blood, be real gentle.” Herschel nodded at the two of them before leaving the room, closing the white door behind him. 

Rick turned his head to the bowl of ice-cold water with a clean white rag. He sighed and picked it up. He held it in both of his hands, looking down at it, feeling the cloth. He then finally turned to Shane. “Tilt your head up.” 

“Nah Nah-I can do it myself, Rick.” Shane protested, but he was in no state (mentally, emotionally, or even physically) to be stubborn right now. But Rick chuckled. “No, you ain’t. Cmon’ let’s get it over with. Please.” Rick spoke gently, soft blue eyes stared into the dark ones before him.

Shane huffed out a breath. “Fine.” He muttered before slowly tilting up his head to Rick. His bloody lips parted slightly as he did so- he couldn't breathe out his nose, so his mouth was open, his tongue teasing at the back of his teeth. 

Rick looked down at him, it felt odd, seeing Shane all bloody and willing. Rick shivered at the sight, Shanes’s head was only a little ways above where Ricks belt was- it was a little awkward and poor Rick felt his stomach churn nervously, examining his friend, seeing his half-lidded eyes and open lips, and to hear his heavy breathing- watching the muscular swell of his chest rising and fall. 

Rick snapped out of it once Shane gave him an annoyed look. “Whatcha’ waiting for- do it.” Shane snapped. And Rick mumbled something close to an apology or at least he tried too.

He slowly reached forward with the rag, putting it to the bridge of Shane’s nose, and Shane hissed reluctantly, and Rick pulled back, he didn’t like seeing Shane in pain.  
“Dammit man, just- keep going-” He huffed, grabbing tightly at the bedsheets, it would be over soon. 

So Rick pressed again and dragged the rag down his friend’s nose, and Shane held his breath pain racing through his face, he grunted but tried holding in the rest of his noises of agony as Rick continued, though Rick stopped after a minute or so to clean the cloth in the water before wringing it out and resuming the task at hand.

Soon Rick was done with his nose, it was still pretty banged up, cut, and bruised. Now Rick’s eyes settled onto the next thing he had to clean, and it slowly dawned on him.  
Rick had to drag the towel over Shane’s lips.

He had to clean Shane’s lips. 

His lips...Rick looked at them, they were shining reflectively from the light on the ceiling, it made it look all shiny, but it was alluring in a way.  
Rick examined the shape of Shane’s mouth, his top lip where his cupid’s bow was, had the shape of a heart, his bottom lip was plump as well, his lips...as much as Rick hated to admit it but fuck- Shane had pretty lips.  
Really pretty lips. 

But Rick just cursed at himself before taking the rag to Shanes cut up lips, and Shane groaned, his eyes closing from the dull pain. And Rick’s heart banged against his chest, and then before he knew it Shane was pulling away from the pain but Rick was determined, so he grabbed Shane by his chin and jaw and pulled him forward, keeping his head still. Shanes made another guttural noise and his head fell back further, Rick watched as his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes closed again. 

Shane could barely think, the pain distracted him from the way Rick got all rough and determined. 

Rick pressed the rag against his lips again, wiping them down, sometimes dragging his lip down and seeing a hint of white teeth or pink-ish hue of his tongue. He made sure to get the blood off Shane’s stubbled chin as well. 

Once Rick was finally done he put the towel back in the bowl of water, he put his hands to his hips, seeing underneath the blood that covered Shanes face before. He could see how bruised Shane was. 

“You good?” Shane asked. Seeing the way Rick was zoning out, even though Rick should be asking him the same question. Considering his injuries.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He muttered. “Just really tired, I could use some sleep, you too I think. It’s been a long day.” Rick tried to smile just a bit. 

“Yea, I could use some sleep, but my nose- I can barely breathe.” Shane looked away from him, “You should leave me here, head back to everyone. Lori is concerned for you. She should know what’s going on.” Shane gave a half-smile as well, knowing that he should stop talking about what Rick should do, especially when it came to Lori. He knew how much Rick hated that. 

But Rick just ran a hand through his curly dark hair and sighed. “Ok..fine, I’ll just explain it to everyone and you can just- sit tight. Then me and you can talk tomorrow.” Rick looked back up at Shane. To now see a soft expression on his bruised face. 

“Alright then... “ Shane spoke softly, muttering through the dull pain that still ached. He rubbed the back of his head once again and Rick gave him a nod.

“Goodnight Shane,” Rick spoke in a hushed tone, grimly. And Shane didn't respond, he just looked at the wooden floor, so Rick took that as his cue to leave. 

He left the room leaving Shane alone, and as Shane sat alone in the medical room a variety of emotions rushing through his body, but he mostly felt ashamed, he ruined his friendship most likely, he would always be an outsider but he was used to that by now, and he would continue to be an outsider for as long as he stays here in this group. 

It wasn’t new information, but it was really hitting him now, What would the group say? Would they want him gone? Maybe...but honestly Shane wouldn’t care, in all honesty, he would be happy to leave.

Even if now he would be happy, but Rick’s words just kept ringing in his ears. 

“It’s time for you to come back.”


	2. Patrol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick has a dream about Shane that messes everything up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen yall just saying this isnt a Lori hate fic even doe i don't like her cuz just tbh I didn't like how her character was written but Im just writing how characters feel about Lori but I'm not tryna hate on her just saying- anyway enjoy! also NSFW GUYS

_Shane was sitting at the end of the bed, his cornflower blue shirt unbuttoned down to his abs like he always used to wear, a small smile on his lips, he wasn’t bruised, his hair was back to its original length, it was black and soft and all messy and ruffled up. He sat with his legs spread out wide, his combat boots dug into the rug where his feet were. He was looking up at Rick, lips parted slightly._

_He reached out, touching Rick’s forearm, pulling him down to his knees, and Rick gasped surprised by the sudden force, but he did not retaliate in any way. Shane leaned his head down, cupping the side of Rick’s cheek._

_He said something, but it was muffled. Rick couldn't hear a thing, he just watched Shane’s mouth move and then close. Then he felt a pull, on both sides of his face, Shane and Rick were getting closer and closer to the point where their noses could almost touch._   
_Shane said something again which made Rick chuckle before Shane moved even closer and then his lips met Rick’s throat, biting and sucking at it. Rick didn’t have any expression-_   
_And there was a sudden pull of his hair, Shane was pulling his hair back, forcing him lower and lower till he was lying on the floor and Shane straddled his body and- --_

Rick shot up in bed, a cold sweat on his back, chest, forehead, and neck. Lori was beside him, sleeping peacefully, everyone else was downstairs in the living room, so that eased Rick slightly. Because he didn’t want anyone seeing him all confused and panicked.

He threw the blanket off of his body, swinging his legs so they were on the floor. The cold wooden panels made him shiver. But he got up anyway, heading to the bathroom. To collect his thoughts maybe?

He closed the door behind him, gulping a breath before looking in the mirror. His cheeks were a light pink, and as he went to turn to look away he felt an unfamiliar stickiness in his boxer shorts paired along with a tightness near the front of his crotch. And he gasped at it almost. But then covered his mouth with one hand then began to scrub his face, scrubbing away the tiredness and confusion away with his palm.

Rick was thinking about the dream, being dominated like that so easily by Shane. Having his hair pulled back, having his body pushed down. It was alien to him- extremely unfamiliar.  
He shook his head. “What in the hell…” He muttered to himself. “I...I need a shower.” Rick decided out loud, grabbing and studying one of the dark blue towels in the bathroom with him, it felt dry so he turned on the hot water and began undressing.

The clothing fell to the floor, one by one. First his white t-shirt, then his sticky boxers. And that was it.

He was naked, his body aching, so he stretched his arms, something cracked in his shoulder but it felt great, the pressure that was once there was now relieved. He stepped into the shower, sighing as the warm water hit his back. Rick then turned to face the water, his hair getting wet and his dark curls fell into his face.

He looked down quickly, still seeing he was half erect. And the water splashing against his cock was making it worse. The light vibration of the water made him shiver. Something in Rick’s lower stomach got tighter as he thought about the dream again. He thought about it long and hard.

Why would he dream about that? Why would he get hard and have a wet dream about Shane of all people? It was extremely confusing, but all he knew was that as the seconds dragged on his cock was getting harder and harder.

The blue-eyed man hesitated, he hadn’t felt pleasure in a while, he and Lori had stopped having sex recently. He just couldn't bear the thought of Shane screwing his wife, let alone impregnating her, so he just said he wasn’t in the mood when she made advances, but it was really because of Shane.  
So it was ironic now that as he grabbed his hard member he couldn't help but think of that visual of Shane pulling his hair and sucking at his neck.

Rick didn’t necessarily enjoy it, it just kept flooding back into his mind each time a pang of pleasure hit him. He would shoo the thoughts away, but each time he pressed his thumb onto his tip and rubbed it over his slit- he would just see Shane, smiling at him, sitting on the bed, his chest exposed and hair a mess.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane was left in that medical bed last night. It was way comfier than the floor, but still, he wasn’t used to sleeping in an actual bed, so his body awoke him real early in the morning.

Everyone was still asleep downstairs. The house was freezing, so Shane immediately got dressed, getting dressed in a long-sleeved brown sweater and wearing his usual beige cargo pants and black combat boots, he also began putting on his jacket as well.

Honest to god, Shane was nervous to step out into the living room. He needed to go upstairs to the bathroom but- the thought just seemed unlikable to him. So he just went back in the room, sitting down on the floor against the low bed.

He wanted to stay at the farm, in all honesty, he did, but in the end, he knew what he should do, which is to go. Leave everything and go off on his own. But he didn’t want to. But then again, it’s whatever the people say.

As he sat there, he could hear footsteps upstairs, then they stopped. He swore he then heard the shower. It was really easy to hear upstairs he noticed, not so much in the living room but definitely in the medical room. The floors were thinner in this room- even last night he could hear Maggie and Hershel walking about and talking. About Shane of course, if he’s dangerous or not and what to do with him.

So he rubbed the side of his head for a few seconds and took a seat back on the mattress. Extending his legs and crossing his arms. He waited.

As he waited sometimes upstairs he would hear noises, sharp groans, or loud gasps, maybe muffled words that would be cut short, they would happen in intervals, every few seconds, it was kinda concerning. Until he realized- Lori and Rick sleep up there- maybe they were having a morning quickie or something,

It disgusted Shane, thinking of the two of them being intimate, but as he listened closer he only heard one voice, the same voice making the same noises. But he couldn't tell whether it was a man or a woman. Shane was becoming curious. His leg bounced up and down. And his head cocked to the right.

He shivered momentarily. His tongue going to his central incisors, running over the straight teeth, thinking-Shane’s dark eyebrows furrowed, more and more curiosity bubbled inside of him, he was thinking of whether to check it out, make sure that it was a person instead of a walker. It would be helpful right? See what’s going on and if all is okay just head back downstairs...it was a simple task...but then again, curiosity does kill the cat.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane sneaked past the group in the living room, he had to go through the kitchen that was connected to do that. But he was successful, so he slowly went up the wooden stairs, only issue was that they were extremely creaky, within the first few steps he watched Glenn tilt his body because of the noise, but he soon stilled.

Shane walked up the creaky stairs, slowly. He decided to hold onto the railing and skip one step at a time, he thought it was the smartest thing to do. And it proved correct once he finally made it to the top, He dragged his hand across the top of his head and sighed, the water of the shower was still running and he could still hear soft gasps coming from the bathroom.

An odd feeling knotted itself into his stomach, but he felt inclined to walk down the hall to the bathroom and see what it was, even if in the back of his head he maybe did know. Before Shane knew it his feet were taking steps down the hall, slowly and cautiously,. He soon was right in front of the bathroom door, his jaw clenched and unclenched, then clenched again.

A few seconds dragged on- it felt like Shane was standing there for a while, even though he knew it couldn't have been that long for the sun was still barely out and the sky was just turning orange. But then finally he heard it again.

“Ugh-oh...fuck..~”

It was slightly muffled but clear enough to where a gasp got caught in Shane’s own throat, the voice sounded kinda deep. He was afraid it was Rick-and especially after he tried to kill him...well listening in on him was inappropriate. Yet, Shane couldn't help it and decided to press his ear against the door.

He could hear much more now. A lot more.

It was Rick, he’d never heard him like that before- but he knew it was him. And now with Shane’s ear pressed to the door he could hear every sharp gasp and long exhale of breath, he could hear when Rick got louder and louder, he could tell when he was getting closer and closer.

But as he listened he kept hearing...even odder things.

“Fuck...fuck why- why am I thinking of you?”  
“Oh, shit-yes, I can’t stop-”

Shane wondered who in the hell Rick could be talking about- but he most definitely wasn’t thinking of Lori- he wouldn’t be saying shit like that if he was talking about his wife. It just confused Shane even more- Rick was in love with Lori since they were eighteen, and still is in love with her, so what in the hell- or who in the hell could he be talking about? Someone from the group?

He went through the list of women, but each one checked out, Shane knew Rick’s type- none of the women were even compatible for Rick...but maybe Shane was wrong, Maybe Rick is having some secret affair.

But Shane’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a new fast-paced heavy breathing. The groans were like clockwork now, one after the other over and over until they got faster.

“Yea, yeah, yeah, oh please...yes-yes!”  
Shane’s eyes widened.  
“Oh- S-Shane!”

Shane went to gasp but it got caught in his throat once more. He trembled.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick was so close, his cock hard as can be. His grip was tight as he spit on his hand and grabbed his member again. Tightly pumping himself, he leaned against the shower wall, his eyes closing as he felt himself about to cum.

He couldn't help but use his free hand to pull at his curly hair, pull his head back and moan heartily. His chest heaved, all he saw when he closed his eyes was Shane pulling his hair, forcing Rick in between his legs to the floor, he couldn't stop and the guilty feeling was terrible. But the pleasure was immeasurable- and his sin was too strong for him to conceal. So his mind went free and all he thought of was Shane.

It was unexpected- the way Rick slowly put his hand that was once in his hair around his throat now as he pumped himself faster, he didn’t realize he was choking himself- or thinking of Shane choking him. It was a surprise- especially right when he thought of Shane choking him while giving him a handjob- he came hard in long white spurts across the plastic liner. He was also surprised at the noise he made- it was a guttural sound that went high pitched at the end- pathetic and almost submissive sounding- he never moaned like that with Lori-or thinking of her.

He pumped himself through the orgasm- his breathing slowed. His arm now felt sore. His wet and aching body leaned against the shower tile. He leaned his face into the water. His hands were shaking as he came down from the high he was feeling. He wished it lasted longer because only a few seconds later Rick got a horrible gut-wrenching feeling.

Rick had to face it now- why did he think of Shane? Rick always considered himself straight- so why...why did he get off to thoughts of another man, instead of his wife- especially a man who tried to kill him last night- a man who screwed his wife and tried to be the father to his only son.

As Rick thought longer there were instances in his teen years where he might have questioned- usually with Shane. Usually, he would let his eyes linger too long in the locker room or leave his hand resting on Shane’s knee or thigh for more than a few seconds- maybe hug him tighter than he was supposed to. But Rick tried to ignore it- hoping it would go away...and it did- for a while.

\--------There would be nights Rick and Shane would go out for drinks after a long day at the police station...they would get drunk- Shane usually sobered up first and then would try and get Rick sober, one time Shane was helping him drink water and Rick couldn't get it down, so Shane held his face- like he would whenever he would try and get a point across.

“Listen-Lemme tell ya something Rick- Lori is gonna be real pissed if you come home drunk tonight- god knows she will. You don't want Lori to be angry- Dontcha?”

Rick shook his pounding head as best as he could. Loose dark curls falling into his eyes.

“Ok ok good then- so c'mon and drink the water- it’ll help. If not for Lori then for me- yeah?”

Rick scoffed, his head threatening to fall to the side but Shane was holding him with strong hands.  
“Anything for you Shane..always...anything-anything.”  
Rick shut his eyes, feeling Shane pat his face trying to keep him awake.  
“I love ya, Shane. You know? Always have- you are just so good to me. So good- Don't you ever leave...okay? Promise me that?” Rick opened his eyes finally- they were half-lidded and tired.

Shane’s lips were parted, his eyes a bit wider than usual and he shook his head, “Yes, yes I promise buddy-” He was cut off that night by Rick’s fingers going to touch his lips. Running his fingertips over them and laughing. Mumbling words before vomiting up all the alcohol he’d consumed. -------

Rick blinked, snapping back to his reality and out of that drunken memory. He blinked a couple of times, and turned off the water, grabbing his towel he dried off his chest and arms, then his back and hair, he moved down to his legs and then finally ended by swinging it around his hips.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane heard the shower turn off suddenly- he was a little perplexed by everything he just heard, so the man stood there in a slight shock for a few seconds before going to the stairs, but as he reached the first step he heard the doorknob to the bathroom turn and pull, he kept going until he heard the inevitable- “Shane? That you?”

He froze but then turned around. “Yeah, I was coming up to take a shower, but it was-uh obviously occupied.” Shane’s hand went to his pocket, the other rubbed at his head and he spoke seriously. Taking in the sight that was Rick. His dark sleek but curly hair was wet and so were his neck and chest. Shane hadn't seen him shirtless in a while. He didn't realize Rick’s weight loss since the world had gone to hell. But he did have some new muscle, which surprised Shane. He had to fight himself so he wouldn't smile at Rick.

Rick looked up and down at Shane. His blue eyes sizing the muscular and tall human. He even felt his face go warm. Rick licked at his lips before nodding his head. “Well, showers free now.” He went to turn away but had a second thought. “Oh and- today we’re gonna have to talk about what went down last night, I don't know if you wanna be there for that,” Rick muttered.

Shane sighed heavily. He went to pinch the bridge of his nose but remembered the fracture. “Nah, I don't think I wanna- I think I’ll get too riled up just tryna defend myself, besides I don't think Andrea is gonna wanna even look at me.” He scratched at his stubbled chin.

Rick tilted his head. “You trust me enough to defend you? Even after you tried to kill me?” Rick bit his lip, teasing at it with his tongue between his teeth nervously.

“Yeah, I trust ya.” Shane shrugged. Looking down at the floor. A guilty look on his face.

Rick exhaled, it gave him a weird feeling- one almost of arousal. Seeing Shane trusting him like this...it got him giddy almost. But he just nodded. “Fine- once everyone wakes we can go talk, you’ll wait outside. Oh and before I go- just reminding you, this is all mostly up to Herschel. You know that, right?” Rick swallowed.

“Yeah I know, and we aren't on the greatest of terms but we were talking last night. When he fixed my nose and- uh...we got some stuff cleared up, man.” He leaned against the stair railing crossing his arms. “I don't think I’ll get kicked out, but as long as I stay outta it.” Shane rolled his shoulders back and exhaled.

Rick nodded and the conversation ended there, he walked back to his room. His chest felt like it was about ready to almost cave in, just seeing Shane right after his shower was nerve-racking. Did Shane hear him? He could have technically, Rick was sorta being loud. But Rick tried to calm his nerves as best as he could and went to get dressed.

And Instead of Shane going to take a shower, instead, he left the home and went to the barn to get the ax, he decided he would chop wood and wait for the discussion determining his fate to be over.

As he was chopping wood- getting out all his aggravation he heard shuffling footsteps behind him, he turned fast- wielding the ax high, ready to kill a walker and defend himself but he dropped it as soon as he saw Herschel standing there, Herschel was holding a plate of food. A smile on his old face.  
“Good morning Shane, you were gone by the time the food was ready, so I brought you a plate.” He held it out, so Shane took it silently, sitting on the chopping log and placing the plate on his lap.

Shane ate it with no hesitation, and Herschel watched him.

“What happened last night? Why did you kill Randall?” The old man asked, his tone was soft and gentle. Just like how Rick spoke to him last night, trying to calm him down.

Shane inhaled deeply, shoving a piece of bacon into his mouth and chewing angrily before swallowing and sighing. “I killed Randall to kill Rick. But that didn't happen.”

“Why did you want to kill Rick?”

“Their family is weak...I thought- I could do a better job as a father than Rick, wanted leadership, the feeling I had before we found out he was alive...but now I don't think it’s Rick that was driving me crazy- it was Lori.” He kept his eyes down, feeling guilty as he confessed, and when Herschel did not respond Shane kept going.

“It’s like she kept...poking at me, teasing me. Making me think I still had a chance, hell she even came up to me telling me what we had at the time was real and that her child might be mine. So I just- wanted...needed that damn chance, to have a purpose again.”

“Well, I think you do have a purpose, with or without Lori. Don't you realize that now?”

Shane licked his lip lightly, it stung a bit but he ignored that. “Maybe...it's tough- it's like she tells me one thing then turns around and tells Rick another, telling me the kid might be mine and then saying things that make me feel good, like telling me to stay and not run away, then going to Rick and telling him I’m dangerous...and- and once she even told me to stay away from Carl, leave him alone, never talk to him again and so I did and then she got angry with me, man. She just made me think Rick was weak, I bet he didn't even know Lori was saying that shit about him and- I don't even think I loved her as much as I thought. I think I was uh- power hungry...”  
Shane rubbed the back of his head and let his hand fall. He closed his dark eyes, clearly aggravated and he heard Herschel sigh.

“As long as you move on and don't want to kill anyone- that’s good Shane.” Herschel patted his shoulder in a friendly manner. “And if you keep up this good behavior and contribute to this...family… well I think you should stay, but I need to know.”

Shane finally looked up at him, furrowing his brows. He nodded, humming as if to say yes.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane stayed outside all morning- waiting for Rick to come and break the news- if he was to stay or to go. But in the meantime he kept chopping wood for the fire, trying to contribute as Herschel said.

It was maybe around twelve when Rick went to find him in the barn, he was dressed in his jeans and a familiar greyish button down, he had his brown leather jacket over it. His hair combed back, his hands in his pockets. Shane stopped and put the ax down. His eyebrows raised expectantly. Rick walked into the barn, it was kinda chilly but not to bad,

“What did they say?” Shane questioned, blinking nervously.  
Rick stood there expressionless before nodding. “Stay,” Rick muttered out. “They want you to stay.” Rick looked at him with a sorta happy expression, it faltered though. But Shane smiled a little bit, even if it hurt considering his entire right cheek was bruised up. But he tried.

“They were more upset about you trying to kill me than you killing Randall. But I talked them into forgiving you, and Herschel also backed me up. But he told me what you said to him this morning-is that-was all that true?” He asked heartily. His blue eyes went sad.  
They got even sadder once Shane nodded.

Rick kicked the ground slightly before looking down. “Well- I’m going on Patrol. No one wants ya around so you gotta come with me. Besides, it’d be nice for you to get some air. It’s been tense.” Rick uttered. And Shane just scoffed, his old attitude coming back to the surface.

“Well If I had to deal with me I’d feel the same way.” Shane chuckled lightly, Rick smiled, not because of the little joke that was made but because of Shane. He smiled- he hadn’t smiled in a long time, it was enjoyable- extremely enjoyable to see. It made his chest feel tight and his face went warm.  
\------------------------------A week later---------------------------------------------------------

This was the seventh patrol of the week, it was Sunday now and Shane was coming with Rick for patrol... again- the car was surprisingly warm as they drove out and down the road. A happy Rick and an uncertain Shane sat together silently. Their guns over their laps.

“Rick, two walkers- right there.” Shane pointed to the left in the field behind the fence, the barrier. So Rick nodded stopping the car and the two got their knives out, the pair stepped out of the car, and immediately Shane jumped the fence and in the same motion stabbed one walker through the head, it fell limp and a small amount of blood poured from the wound.

The other walker came up behind Shane but Rick pulled it away, pinning it against the fence and stabbing it through the eye, it fell limp. He breathed heavy, Shane went beside him about to pat him on the back but instead, a walker came up behind Rick, Grabbing his shirt and pulling, screeching loudly and hungrily as Rick almost fell back, Shane went to pull the walker away and its sharp nails dug into Rick's shirt pulling and scratching or at least trying to scratch at the entire back of the shirt, Shane stabbed it quickly through the head and its body fell.

Then they both began to panic.

“Shit- did it scratch you?” Shane rushed over to Rick.  
Rick peeled off his shirt fast throwing it to the ground over the fence, it landed near the car, He jumped over the fence going to the car mirror but Shane went after him, jumping the fence as well, stopping him as he was going to look.

“Just lemme see man.” Shane held Rick by the bare shoulder, spinning him around to see his back.  
“I can do it myself Shane- c’mon” Rick muttered- his thoughts of Shane from last week teased in his brain, his body shivered when he felt Shane lightly run his finger over where the walker grabbed him.

“I’m fine Shane-” Rick grumbled, but Shane didn’t respond, his fingers were still doing the same thing.

“I’m checking hold on…” Shane sighed. “Wait.” He looked closely, there were no scratches thankfully, but Shane didn’t let go yet. “Rick?”

“Hmm?”

“Last week, remember ya walked out of the shower and I was coming up the stairs?”

“Uh yeah. Why?” Rick didn’t turn around- he knew he’d been caught. His body shivered again, this time in fear.

“I heard you, I was leaving but- I heard everything.” Shane stuttered out. He furrowed his brows. “Who were you talking about man? Cause it sure as hell wasn’t Lori-” Shane played dumb, he knew he heard Rick moaning his name, loud and clear. But he just tested the waters.

Rick shook his head. “If you heard everything... why are you asking?” Rick bit down on his tongue, he felt Shane release him.

Shane scoffed in an almost cocky way. He just chuckled softly before nodding and looking down. Rubbing his head.  
“So what, you gay now?” He questioned, and Rick turned around grabbing his shirt and putting it back on, as he did so his face felt flushed and slightly angry.

“Don't be fuckin condescending Shane.” Rick felt ashamed.

“I’m not- I’m just asking- cuz I mean, that happened quick- I try to kill you- then you jerk off to me? Kinda confusing Dontcha think?” He smiled like it was funny. He’d always had that sorta douchebag feel to him, Rick didn’t even know why he stayed friends with Shane for so long.

“It just happened- okay? I just-” He trailed off. His chest felt like it was about to explode. He could barely breathe, especially as he stood here- so vulnerable, with Shane towering over him, staring down at him with that annoying grin. But a grin that Rick had learned to love so much.

“And what about Lori then? Don't you love her? Or has that changed?”

Rick inhaled deeply. “I love her. I do just- not the same way I did before. I mean- we haven’t touched each other for a whole month. But that doesn’t mean you can go and-”

“Woah Woah Woah! I ain’t tryna to screw you over. That’s, not my place, we went over this. I’m not gonna flip now. I’m just curious.” He looked down at Rick, seeing him all flushed, the sound of his moans playing through his head- knowing he was the one who made him sound like that- feel like that, even if he wasn’t in the room with him- but it seemed like something Shane would like to do. Dominante him, push him down on the floor, show him who’s really in charge, make him shake with pleasure.

It didn’t seem so bad.

Rick groaned, embarrassed. “I do not want to talk about this- especially not with you.”

“Why? This is all about me, I made you feel this way…” Shane trailed off. Something devious clicking in his mind.  
Rick saw the change in his eyes, they got darker.

“I don't think it would be so bad...if I did make you feel that way. Huh?” Shane’s hand rested on his hips as if he was thinking. “Or are you loyal to Lori? Lori- who would go behind your back and tell me you're weak, that you can't take care of Carl.”

Rick could sense the manipulation, he wasn’t dumb. But Shane kept getting closer. Rick’s back finally pressed up against the car. “Shane- stop, c’mon you know we can’t do that.” Rick’s voice trembled slightly, but he tried to keep it still. He especially tried to keep it still once he felt Shane’s warm rough hands grab at his waist. His fingers digging into him.

But Rick didn’t resist. He groaned deeply. Their chests bumped together and Rick breathed out heavy. Shane reached up to his face, tilting Rick’s chin up so he could see him.

“I think I do wanna make ya feel like that. I really do.”  
Shane simpered at him before leaning in and closing the gap between them. Their lips slotted together perfectly and Rick groaned immediately. He could smell Shane’s aftershave, something like pine. It was familiar, but it was so much more intense now, it was all to intense especially the way Shane’s hand gripped his hips and pulled him forward.

Rick held onto him tightly. His mouth opening allowing Shane to lick into his mouth and taste him and that’s exactly what he did.  
As they kissed Rick could soon taste the blood on Shane’s lips. Shane hissed when he realized his split lip opened but he kept going, now beginning to get rough, his hand traveling up Ricks arm to his hair, pulling back, allowing him access to Rick's bare neck, so he moved up, kissed at it softly, licking a long stripe up his throat.

Their heavy breathing was all that could be heard.

But then another sound was added to the mix-Rick’s lips parted in a desperate moan. Rick's body trembling against Shane. His hips rolling against Shanes- all hot and desperate as he did so, Shane was surprised- he began to groan softly as well.  
Rick's blue eyes fell shut as he felt Shanes entire mouth close on the skin of Rick’s throat, His tongue hot and his teeth gnashed against Rick's skin.

Rick gasped at the sudden pain (even if it still was extremely pleasurable) but the pain made him realize what was happening, and his eyes shot open and he pushed Shane off roughly.

Shane stumbled back, catching himself before he fell to the gravel. “Woah what the hell Rick!?” A confused Shane stared deeply and harshly at him. Rick’s entire face was blushed and he could barely breathe.

“No no no , this is wrong, this is so damn wrong Shane.”  
“What? You get me all riled up so you can puss out like this?”  
Rick swallowed deeply, sizing Shane up again, his body felt stunned as he didn't know what to do. “Im married- you know-you know this, I can't do this to Lori.” Rick's voice faltered.

Shane scoffed, “But She did this to you! Only two weeks after thinking ya died, what does that say about her huh?” Shane crossed his arms, but before any words could be said Rick entered the car and started it up.

Shane rolled his eyes and was going to go to the other side of the car to get in but then Rick just pressed the gas and the car went speeding off.

“Woah! Rick! What the fuck, Stop!” Shane wailed after him, trying to run to maybe catch up but his efforts were useless. Shane slowed down and rubbed his head angrily, the taste of Rick still lingered on his tongue- his adrenaline still high from this random run-in they had.

He was angry- he was feeling obsessive. He never knew what Lori had seen in Rick before but now he has an understanding of why- or at least a sliver of understanding. But the thought of Rick immediately got Shane feeling almost anxious- as if he didn't get him again and soon something bad would happen.

As Shane walked back to the farm he began to plan on what he would need to do to gain his new goal: getting Rick all to himself...


	3. Knowing Is Half The Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane has a lot on his mind- so does Rick.

The walk back to the farm was a long one, and as much as Shane expected it to be dangerous... it somehow wasn’t. Because as he walked back on the road he would see walkers- dead ones, but the blood was still fresh- so Rick was still looking out for him. Shane had a lot of time to think about what had happened. Why it happened. 

Shane was thinking deeply, he didn’t even stop when he would hear rustling or even the snarling of a nearby walker. He knew it was a risk, but he just didn’t feel like being preoccupied now. 

Shane had always been borderline obsessed with Rick, even now as the world was ending, he didn’t have his priorities straight. But once he thought Rick died- it broke him pretty much, he missed him more than words could even express. He missed him so much he would dream about him those first nights- then he would soon want to be him. And he was beginning to. 

He was a bit of a leader at the start- he acted like a father to Carl- treated Lori as best as he could. But even as he was in that position he still couldn't help but feel empty. He was still grieving, even when Rick got back- he still felt empty and so alone. And at the time Shane thought it was just because he got tossed aside by Lori with no parting words or anything. But that wasn’t it, now that Shane began to think deeper it was becoming easier to understand.

All he wanted was Rick. All to himself. To just have the time with him he used to. Sitting in the car, eating junk food- making stupid jokes. Mindlessly flirting as well- he knew, he always knew, the way Rick would look at him. It was obvious, there was something there, and Rick would try so hard to just push it aside, Shane would watch him try and deny it too. The way he would talk about girls- trying to act like a douchebag at some points, like the way Shane would act, the way the other boys would act. But Rick wasn’t like the other boys, there was something off, the way he would get when guys would get shirtless in the locker room or when guys would roughhouse and be all over each other. 

Shane knew it all along. Of course, Rick didn’t necessarily have to be gay, he could like both, 

Shane was the same way. He never fully accepted it. Still even after kissing Rick like that he hadn’t. Shane was never open with it- he never told anyone- it was so much worse in his mind as well because he liked guys more than girls. He always did. But he was afraid to speak on it, it was the way he was raised. But of course now- Rick probably had some understanding of what Shane felt. And Shane could tell Rick was terrified by this. 

Shane spun the knife he had in his hand by the handle. His feet were starting to ache now, he wasn’t wearing his good boots, because of course, he had assumed he was going to go on a patrol with Rick and not get himself kicked out of the car and be forced to walk a few miles. 

As he walked he saw something in the distance now- it seemed to be the car, and at least 13 maybe 10 walkers, someone was attempting to stab them one by one. Shane recognized the car and person immediately. Shane gripped his knife tightly and began to sprint.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick was stuck, his car had driven into a steep puddle and it was making a lot of noise, so of course, the walkers were drawn to it, but he didn’t expect this many to come by. He assumed he could handle it. But the noise of walkers just screeching and him grunting like a savage man- it just drew more and more. The smell was stomach-churning, but he pushed through it. Or at least tried to. 

He stabbed one between the eyes, and then of course one came up behind him- grabbing his shoulder going to bite him but he turned fast, but in doing so he dropped his knife. He pushed the walker by the chest trying to make a grab for his knife. Right as the walker went to topple over him, screeching --it suddenly stopped, it fell to the ground, revealing the man who killed it. He stood there tall and proud with a smile, he held out a hand offering to pull Rick up- so Rick took the hand, getting his knife as well. The two of them back to back began stabbing at the walkers- killing them one by one and fast, and soon enough all of them were dead. Finally. 

“What? No thank you?” He grinned wide. He was dirty with...well dirt ...and sweat. It was almost attractive to Rick but he just rolled his blue icy eyes.

“I could’ve handled it myself, Shane. I think you know that. I’ve handled worse.” Rick groaned out. Wiping at his face with the back of his hand. Some blood got on him, but it didn’t matter much, internally Rick was thankful, but he wouldn’t say anything. He had an issue with pride and stubbornness. 

“Lemme ask ya, somethin’ man, how long were you here fighting those walkers? Because I know I don't walk that fuckin fast that I would’ve been able to catch up with you since you’re driving a damn car. So tell me, man, how damn long were you here?” Shane put a hand to his hip, his breathing was rather heavy, the sun had been beating down on him for a long time, honestly, he could barely breathe. And Rick could see it. He almost felt bad for him.

“That doesn’t matter,” Rick grumbled. His voice going deep as he slid his rough hands deep into his pockets. “What matters is that we get back, it’s gonna get dark real soon.” Rick licked at his lips, avoiding any eye contact with Shane. He was afraid of what he would feel (or do) if he looked up into his dark alluring eyes. 

Shane rubbed at his head lightly. His eyebrows furrowing. “Nah, I- I think we should talk. Instead of just going back and pretending everything is fine Rick.” Both his hands were resting on his belt now as they usually did. He looked up at the sky quickly, squinting before looking back down at Rick, who was still staring at the gravel. 

“I don't know if we should. In all honesty, it’s dangerous territory, and you know that. It- you- you know it was a mistake. We shouldn’t have done that.” Rick pinched the bridge of his nose, a few strands of his curly hair were in his face from the fight with the walkers but he didn’t bother slicking them back.   
And Shane took notice of it, his hand twitched, practically begging to touch his hair, push it out of his face softly. Just so he could see Rick’s eyes. But he kept his hand still. 

“I don't think it was.” Shane crossed his arms now, A stubborn look on his face, his lips in an angry line.

“Fine, Listen I-I don't care what you think it was Shane, but I have a family. I’m married. And- and I don't understand how you can just jump from Lori to me...what type of stunt are you tryna pull here?” Rick finally looked up at him. Anger in his eyes that was plain. 

Shane inhaled deeply. “I was grieving, I needed comfort as much as Lori did, but once you came back I realized that I just wanted you...-I-I want you,” Shane whispered, leaning in closer, trying to look deep into Rick but As those words left Shane’s lips Rick looked away again. 

“Don't say that. Please ...please don't say that.” He felt weak against the other man. The way Shane stood there like if he could see right through Rick unbothered and perfectly still, saying whatever he felt and whatever what was on his mind, there was a stillness in between them. Rick didn’t speak or move. And finally, Shane reached up, with his pointer finger, he slowly moved the strands of hair away from Rick’s face. Slowly putting some behinds his ear or just away from his eyes, all he wanted to do was see his face.

Rick still didn’t move, but his eyes trailed up Shane's body lazily. Almost grimly. Rick finally met Shane’s eyes. And he let out an exasperated sigh. His eyes went sad.   
“Don't.” Is all he muttered out, he was only saying it for Shane’s best interest. But still, he knew somehow Shane wouldn’t listen. 

Shanes cupped Rick’s face, his thumb rubbing across his cheek. Then slowly he moved his thumb down to his chin then slowly to his bottom lip. Pressing the pad of his thumb against the soft pink and plush feel of his mouth-his lips. Shane blinked a couple of times. He wanted to savor the feel of Rick, he wanted it slow and lazy and filthy. He could feel Rick’s warm breath, it sent a shiver up his spine, goosebumps all over his body began to form. 

Shane licked at his lips. Sizing him up- looking at him up and down. Before settling on his eyes once more. 

“Open your mouth.” Shane bit at his cheek, his eyebrows furrowed deeply. 

Rick didn’t move for a second but his breath quickened. “Mmm-mmm” He hummed and shook his head in a “no”. He didn’t want this- he didn’t want to hurt Lori, but Shane wouldn’t let him be.

“Please Rick- I need this- I know you need this too- just- just open up.” He sighed harshly- pleading and sounding desperate. 

But Rick would not. His lips shut tight. Even if he didn’t want it- Shane was right...he needed this. But he couldn't- as long as he was married to Lori, he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t succumb to Shane. He promised himself that- even if he wouldn’t be able to keep it. 

“Shane we got to go- we need -HfmmF!-”

Shane pushed his fingers harshly into Rick’s mouth- taking the opportunity of him speaking. His pointer and middle fingers pushed in deep, feeling the warmth of the saliva. Rick immediately by some odd reflex pressed his tongue into Shane’s digits but realized what he was doing so bit down hard.

“Shit! Dammit, Rick!” Shane pulled his fingers away. Grabbing at them with the other hand. He was bleeding. Slight teeth marks ran along his two fingers

Rick stood there silently. An angry expression on his face.“We are going home. Now. This is the end of it- alright? I am not having this-this fling.” Rick said in a disgusted manner. But Shane looked up at him- a different dark look in his eyes. Almost wild and distant- just like the night when he almost killed Rick. And Rick shivered once he recognized it. But he didn't hesitate or stir- he stood his ground. 

“I'm gonna have you. One way or another- Imma have you. You’ll want me too- you’ll beg for me…” 

His words slurred as he spoke with a newfound confidence-Shane’s new persona came out of nowhere. He looked different as he said those words, and Rick somehow (deep in his heart of hearts) knew he wasn't lying. Shane would start to plan something- at least that is what Rick assumed...and Rick would be terrified once he realizes he's right. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lori was by herself- she was hanging laundry- the day was still early and warm. She was humming a small tune to herself once she saw Shane walk beside her, she moved back cautiously and he grimaced at that. 

“Lori- “ He started but she didn’t let him finish.

“I don't want to talk to you- not after what you did.” She spat, pulling a shirt close to her chest as if would be a barrier between the two.

“Let me speak- it’s about-”

“No! I don't want to hear it! Just stay away from me!” She was starting to raise her voice now, she would start drawing attention and it was beginning to aggravate Shane. He tapped his foot impatiently. Raising his eyebrow. 

“Rick doesn't want you.” Shane was looking away from her as the words just spilled out of nowhere and suddenly. His tone was unforgiving and cold. “He doesn't love you anymore.”

“If this is another plea to get me to be with you, I swear-”

“It's not- I don't ...care... about us. I don't even love you anymore” He chuckled rubbing the back of his head roughly.

“-I- I never fuckin did Lori.” His voice cracked bitterly. “So you can stop worrying about it and stop acting like you're the center of the world and like everyone can't get enough of you.” Shane hissed. Passive aggressiveness spilled over his voice as he spoke. “Not even your husband wants you now.” He chuckled condescendingly. 

Lori stood there- her eyes wide and she trembled. She was utterly speechless at this point. 

“Go on and tell Rick about it- like you always do. I don't care. He won’t care.” He sighed heavily before turning away and walking back to the house as if he didn’t just insult the living hell out of a pregnant woman. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They were all sitting at dinner. It wasn’t too quiet- wasn’t too loud either. But everyone was enjoying themselves- well mostly everyone. Other than Rick, Lori, and Shane. They all felt a little paranoid as they ate silently. 

Now and then Shane would add in a passive-aggressive comment that was unneeded, especially if it was a mention about Rick. It was even worse now that they were sitting across from each other, staring silently and bitterly. 

“What happened to your fingers?” Carl piped in. Looking at the bandages that were wrapped around Shane’s two digits that he held his fork in. Shane grimaced but quickly hid it with a smile. A devious looking one.

He quickly shot a look at Rick, who had a look of “shut the hell up, don't you dare-” But Shane ignored it and leaned back in his chair, everyone was looking at him now. 

“Well, I went out with Rick on patrol today and we were just finishing killing walkers- and we were catching our breaths when-” He paused quickly, his brown eyes dragged across the space to meet Rick’s wide blue eyes- pleading blue eyes. 

“When- this pretty Lil dog comes out of the woods. It had this dark brown-almost curly fur-, and it had these super bright blue eyes- kinda like your dad-” Shane was staring at Rick from the side. 

“So it seemed friendly- and I pet it, it was enjoying my pets for a second too- even started to lick my hand before it freaked out and bit me- and then it ran away- all coward like, with its tail in between its legs.” Shane grinned lightly- holding in a chuckle as he now flickered his gaze from Rick to Carl. 

“Woah- maybe we can find it again...tame it?” Carl smiled, quickly shooting a look at his father. 

“Nah, I don't think we can- it ran real fast, barking too- walkers probably got to it.” Shane shoved some rice into his mouth before chewing. 

Rick sighed. Feeling guilty and disgusted. He started tuning out the other conversation that started between whoever was talking- he just kept eating silently until he felt something run up his leg. He suddenly realized it was Shanes own leg. Shane was slowly running his leg up against Ricks. Throwing him a guilty kind of look. Biting at his lip casually. Chewing on it- pretending to be distracted by the conversation that was being held. 

Rick moved his leg away- standing up, taking his plate. “Excuse me from the table I..-I’m finished,” Rick said politely and Herschel gave a friendly nod. Then not even a second after Shane did the same. 

“Me too-” He spoke fast following Rick out of the house- he left his plate there, leaving everyone a little confused- and leaving a concerned and pregnant Lori. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick was sitting near the barn, alone collecting his thoughts until Shane was beside him. 

“What the hell are you tryna pull?” Rick spoke in an exasperated tone, keeping his voice low as possible as to not have anyone hear this conversation that was about to be entertained between the two. 

“Nothing- I’m just showing you I ain’t giving up Rick-” Shane squinted into the distance, his hands hanging on his belt. His eyebrows furrowed as he finally looked back down at the ground.

“I am married. I am fuckin married! Get it through your head, Shane! I can’t be with you, even though I want to-”

Shane looked up at Rick quickly, his lips parted in surprise. His heart dropping.

I didn’t mean that --I’m not that type of person! I- I- don't have a lot left Shane, I don't even know if I’ll be alive by the time winters over but fuck- I want to stay faithful- I want to try, I have-” 

Shane was on him within a second, pressing Rick’s back harshly against the splintering wood of the barn, and his chest against his own, kissing him with all the pent up emotion of today. Holding him by his face tightly.- Rick groaned out but it was muffled by the force of Shane’s lips and tongue. 

Rick pushed him off quickly. Panting and unmoving. His body trembling as he looked deeply at Shane. He noticed the way Shane’s eyes were shiny- almost as if he was tearing up, he was. He was breathing heavily too. But Rick’s entire body buzzed with guilt-   
especially when he walked forward to Shane and slowly and cautiously rested his forehead against Shanes. 

Shane shivered, not making any noise as his hands slowly moved up to Rick’s waist, hoisting onto him. 

“Shane-” Rick muttered softly- slowly tilting his head and pressing his lips cautiously onto Shanes. Shane pressed into him gently. Exhaling deeply. 

Rick slowly opened his mouth and Shane slipped his tongue in. Their noses brushed against each other as Shane squeezed around Rick’s body with his strong arms. Inhaling now. Rick moaned softly, loving the way the rough feel of the facial hair against his own- pulling away now. Their foreheads against each other once more. 

“I love you, Rick,” Shane whispered-His voice breaking. “I always have.” 

Rick stood there in stubborn silence. Realizing how insane this was- how insane Shane was.   
He pulled away and walked back to the house, leaving Shane standing alone once more.  
Breathing out a harsh, trembling breath. 

Shane shivered, rubbing his head with both hands, holding it in place as he felt warm tears beginning to form in his eyes, but he let out a dejected chuckle. His eyes shooting to the rope next to the barn. It had been sitting there for ages- it was stiff and rough after being out in the cold so long.

Shane slowly walked to it. Picking it up, wrapping it around his non-injured hand and pulling- a long smirk slowly formed on his face. He knew what he would do to show Rick he really loved him. And the rope would be a great asset to proving his point.


	4. Let Me Show You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane finally acts on plans he's been making for him and Rick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Daria_loves_to_read for giving me the idea for this chapter!! Love ya!!!

“Don't you avoid me-don't you fucking avoid me!-” 

Shane growled deeply as he stared at himself in the foggy bathroom mirror, he slammed his hand against the white- slightly textured wall angrily. His expression was bitter and resentful- his breathing coming out in long- heavy trembling breaths. 

“I’ll show you, I promise, I promise... I’ll make you beg- like the fuckin whore you are…” 

Shane mused aggressively, a smirk making its way to his lips slowly- he watched himself speak in the mirror-his smile growing as he punctuated the word ‘whore’-- his eyes wide and dark- He was in his head at the moment, in his own little world. Where it was all his needs and wants and pleasure bundled up securely into one, and he wasn’t ashamed of it- he’d been talking to himself for a long while now. Not caring to keep his voice down as he watched himself seeth. 

It’d had been weeks since Rick and Shanes had kissed that night by the barn- when Shane told him that he had loved him, but ever since then, Rick had been pointedly avoiding Shane. And it was hurtful- like a sharp thorn in Shane’s side, digging into him every night at dinner when the group would eat together. It hurt, even more, when Rick, Lori, and Carl would skip out on those meals now and then. They were all avoiding him it seemed.

It was beginning to start now- winter. When anyone went outside- they were starting to be able to see their breath appear and disappear, and now they had to wear heavier jackets, warmer clothes. Except for Shane.

He felt numb all around- He would go to chop wood by the farm in a normal short sleeve shirt-sometimes he would go and just sit in the barn- in a tank top, just talking to himself, and keeping to himself, he barely felt the cold until he was under the shower and the hot water would prickle at his skin until his shoulders and chest turned red. 

And he had just finished his shower after being out in the cold all day. He was standing shirtless only in his black briefs- he got distracted when he thought he saw something in the corner of his eye in the mirror. 

He was delusional, He was angry- and somehow nervous. His body was tense as he just kept staring at himself- into dark eyes that held apathy for anything else that wasn’t Rick- he had made Rick the center of his life. Even if weeks passed by where he was left behind when Rick went out on runs with Darryl instead of him- going back to the old ways right before Shane had almost killed him. 

Shane trembled as he stood there- aggression building up inside of him, he’d been on the edge of doing something impulsive and greedy and just downright wrong. But the something, in theory, would bring him more pleasure than anything else in this hell that was earth.

He ran a hand over what was once his shaved head, Shane had noticed how his hair had already begun growing back already, mostly at the top- the sides hadn’t grown much-it was a tuff of short black strands that were beginning to grow again.

He wondered for a minute if Rick would like him with his normal hair again. He then wondered something more devious- if Rick would like to see him like this- shirtless, not even dried off only in his tight briefs that accentuated his muscular thighs- water dripping off of the swell of his chest down his abs, he wondered and pondered, and he looked up in the mirror, surprised by the image of Rick behind him, holding onto him, he was wet too. Everything else was white noise as Shane watched the mirror, but he didn’t feel Rick, he couldn't feel Ricks body warmth of his hands or his head that rested on his shoulder, he realized he was imagining it but he basked in the hallucination until the little world he was in was shattered by a loud knock on the door. 

“Shane? You’re taking forever in there- people need the bathroom.” A stern voice spoke as Shane turned his head to the door. He heard Rick’s voice. Recognizing it at the first word, an almost relieved grin spreading across his face, his anxiety flowing away from him as he threw his towel over his shoulder and went to open the door. 

The door creaked horridly- it seemed to echo in Shane’s ears loudly, it almost hurt as the ringing remained, he tried blinking the feeling away. His eyebrows furrowing in discomfort, But he looked up with his almost black eyes- they were always so dark, especially now. 

Rick stood there his arms crossed, he was sweating, his dark handsome curls plastered to his forehead by the sweat, his eyes seemed muted and cold, unmoving as he kept his eyes to Shane’s face. 

Shane immediately began to wonder if Rick was real- he thought for a moment seeing how Rick wasn’t moving his eyes away from his face like he was withholding the urge to run his hungry eyes over Shanes bare wet body. It confirmed he was real. Shane knew that Rick wouldn’t take a glance at his body- trying not to give him any ideas. 

But Shane’s smile fell once he saw Lori coming up the stairs. Looking down at the floor in something similar to shame, maybe…

“Hey- are you coming out or not?” Rick snapped to get Shane’s attention- it worked. Shane looked up quickly, breathing out between his teeth. “Sorry- I was just...sorry.” His hand twitched to rub at his head but he instead clenched his jaw.  
“Lemme just-just get dressed.” Shane nodded and Rick narrowed his eyes suspiciously before nodding back and turning away. Closing the door allowing Shane his privacy. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick didn’t skip dinner this time, but Lori and Carl did. 

“Why aren’t they coming down? Is Lori feeling ok?” Glenn asked, tilting his head slightly as he cut into his food. A small concerned smile on his face as he asked Rick. 

“Yeah, she’s feelin’ a little sick today, mostly in the mornings and at night. She gets a Lil bit nauseous so Carl insisted on staying with her in the bed he uh-wants to try and comfort her.” Rick gave a tight-lipped smile before looking back down at his food. He usually wouldn't look up now- since Shane always took the seat in front of him. So Rick usually wasted the time by eating and staring down at his plate until he was done and then going back up to his room to hole up in there until fatigue hit him and he passed out.

“Are you patrolling the farm tonight?” Maggie piped up, shaking her head so the hair in her eyes would move away so she could look at Rick properly. “I saw some walkers getting real close to the farm when I was coming back inside and just- it would ease my mind a bit…” She gave a soft smile. 

Rick swallowed his food and didn’t even look up- he could feel everyone’s stares, especially Shanes, it’s like they all held their breaths waiting for him to answer, and of course, he wouldn’t refuse.

“Yeah, I’ll check tonight. How far you want me to go?” His leg bobbed up and down as he cocked his head to the side.

“I mean, I don't know- some of them were in the woods at the end of the farm so if you wanna be extra thorough-” Maggie trailed off shrugging. 

“Fine- that’s fine, I’ll- I’ll check the woods.” He nodded, his thumb rubbing and tapping against the tip of his middle finger nervously. He didn’t know what he’d find out there, but as long as he had a flashlight- a gun and a knife he assumed all would be well.  
But he didn't realize how intently Shane was listening to the conversation- he didn’t realize how his eyes darted across the room as if he was thinking of something extremely important- but Rick would be fine.

Hopefully. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick slid on his jacket, getting all his supplies ready- he made a mental note that he would only be out there for an hour- no more- no less. He would be going on a long run tomorrow- to an abandoned but fancy hotel they had found at least an hour and a half away (maybe longer) that they wanted to check out more. So he would need the sleep, he didn’t plan to be out for too long- especially as it was growing colder. 

Everyone had gone to bed, no one seeming concerned- not even Lori or Carl, they seemed exhausted so Rick didn’t feel too bad about them not bothering to care. 

He made his way outside- it was finally becoming sweater weather, not warm but not exactly freezing. Rick walked along the dirt road, slowly drawing farther and farther away from the house and barn, he walked along the field now, the house looking small in the distance, the moon was full. It provided a nice amount of light- he looked up to the moon, it was amazing how he never recognized the beauty of it beforehand. Before all of this- before the world fuckin died. 

But it gave Rick comfort. Enough comfort that he let his guard down- letting his gun slip back into his holster and his shoulders releasing all tension that was held in there. He let out a loud sigh- but then his skin began to prickle- the tall grass a little ways behind him rustled loudly he went to turn around but before he could fully make the movement he saw a quick whip of motion before his body was going down and his world seemed to go upside down, the moon and bright stars turning over in the dark sky with him and Rick’s world went pitch black.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was pain- a lot of it, especially in Rick’s head as he slowly and groggily opened his eyes. His lips feeling sore as well for some reason. His vision was blurred, he tried blinking to see if he could see clearly, and it worked for him because soon his vision was clearing. He sniffed the air- it was musky- smelling of old wet wood. He looked around, blue eyes dashing across the space of wherever he was, he saw hay-a lot of wood, a ladder, more hay, a wooden chair, and a shovel. 

Rick went to lean forward, going to use his hands to stand but they were restricted at his wrists, a harsh rough rope digging into his wrists, he whimpered involuntarily- in fear the rope seemed to be connected to a pipe behind him-. His eyes going wide as he pulled against the rope- nothing happened. He pulled again- nothing- again and then nothing once more except for a sharp burning pain- the rope was extremely stiff and it poked into his pale flesh. 

Rick didn’t know whether to yell, he knew he was close to home, he was in the barn- he recognized it. Rick felt a sweat building up- why was he in here and who the fuck did this to him? Rick began panting, he almost began feeling claustrophobic. 

Until he heard movement in a corner- almost similar to the shuffling he heard before his world went dark. 

He squinted not being able to see well, but he saw a tall figure. The moonlight fed through the barn’s openings at the top, a soft breeze passing through. Rick furrowed his brows, the figure kept coming closer and closer. Until Rick could see his face.

His expression softened once he saw who it was, but then it hardened again.

“Shane...” Rick growled. He pulled against his restraints again the rope digging into his skin again. 

“Rick,” Shane responded, a wry smile stretching across his face. His eyes bright in the moonlight- Rick looked up at him, a hint of confusion in his own blue eyes. Rick took in the sight, Shane standing there, all tall, strong and confident. His face was pretty much healed, his bruises gone and he only had a slight cut at the bridge of his nose now.  
Rick hated the way he looked so content, happily walking over to him as if Rick wasn’t tied up with a throbbing pain in the back of his head. 

“What are you doing?” Rick felt a lump in his throat forming angrily. His body trying to lunge forward, but barely moving. Shane on the other hand was now crouching in front of him. That smile still on his face, Rick wanted to punch it away. 

“I told you, Rick, I told you I would show you- I ain’t giving up.” He shook his head, letting it fall forward and hang, drawing out a deep chuckle as he scratched at the side of his face quickly and then rubbed at his head. “You know initially... I didn’t know if this would work- thought maybe you’d hear me, fuckin pull a gun at me, finally kill me. Or maybe you just wouldn’t have gotten knocked out, n’ fought back... but I’m glad it worked- you’ll be glad too.” Shane finally looked up- eyes still shining. 

Rick’s heartbeat picked up the pace, he felt more nervous than he’d felt in so long. Adrenaline was pumping through his body, he felt lightheaded, wondering what Shane meant. He licked his lips. His own eyes flickering down to Shane’s lips, they were a light pink- still formed in a dumb smile. He seemed giddy. 

“Checking out my mouth Rick?” Shane noticed. His tongue teasing at his teeth, his lips parting slowly. He spoke confidently and he was teasing. Rick could tease too. 

Rick tilted his head to the side, cocking up his brow. “If I am, what are you gonna do about it?” He spoke between a clenched jaw. Not knowing how Shane would react.

“Well, then I’d be flattered, Rick. Not every day someone checks you out. Especially not these days. But my guess is you wouldn’t know much about that- my eyes are always on you. Can’t even help it at this point.” Shane bit at his bottom lip. His eyes changed. They looked hungry and Rick’s body shivered. 

Shane reached forward, Pressing his entire calloused palm against Rick’s chest. His fingers running down to his stomach slowly. His thumb playing with the buttons on his shirt. 

“You said you wanted me. Remember?” Shane had to pry his eyes away from the body beneath him, he had to look up now. Meeting Rick’s light blue eyes. “Remember?” He repeated more desperate this time. His voice on the verge of breaking. 

“Yes, yes I remember what I said, I remember what I did.” Rick couldn't hold the eye contact for long, his head falling forward, letting it hang in a thick sense of shame. 

“Did you like it?” Shane asked. His hand moved back up now to Rick’s pecs. Admiring the feel of his body. “Don't lie to me.” Shane requested- well more like commanded as he pressed his other hand into Rick’s side, moving down to his waist, both hands pressing against his body, he started to shiver again.

“What are you going to do to me?” Rick trembled out. Not answering the question, he tried hard not to let out a broken moan as Shane’s hands now caressed his body and passed softly across his nipples through the cloth he was wearing. He felt so touch starved, he wasn’t used to not being touched for so long and that was exactly what was happening in his life right now-so Shane feeling him up experimentally like this felt... good- but Rick didn’t want to admit it. 

“I’m going to make you feel good- if you let me if you say you want this like last time. Because I don't wanna keep pretending. No more.” Shane’s eyes trailed along his body, finally settling on Rick’s face again. 

“So, you tie me up against my will...to ask me for my consent to make me...feel good? A bit hypocritical Dontcha think?” He cocked his head to the side. 

“I had to- you wouldn’t even look at me in the eyes earlier- how would I get you to have a conversation about whether or not you’ll let me….” He trailed off, turning his head away.

“Let you what?” Rick didn’t dare to move,

“Nothin’” Shane shook his head.

“Tell me-”

“You’ll find out if you say yes... If you’re a good boy Rick.” Shane let his voice drop low. It set off an odd feeling in Rick’s stomach that rose to his chest. 

“So a surprise?” Rick leaned his head back and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Yeah- exactly that.” Shane stopped moving his hands now, he squinted at Rick and pursed his lips barely. Before opening his mouth to speak again.

“Do you wanna find out?” He asked. Daring Rick to say yes. It was enticing- especially as Rick let his eyes travel down Shane's body and back up to his face again. He thought to himself for a moment.

Rick had constantly been having thoughts for these past weeks of Shane, he couldn't help but touch himself a couple of times too in the shower- but he always felt so guilty afterward, the guilt would become overwhelming at dinner, he couldn't bear sitting across from Shane for thirty minutes straight, it was too much for him, Plus Shane would like to slowly eat if Rick looked his way- slowly taking his utensil into his mouth teasing at Rick and at times couldn't tear his eyes away from Shane’s mouth, that was his main reason for skipping dinner- it was too much to handle. 

But now here he was, Shane, offering something that Rick couldn't say no to and had most likely dreamed of for a while. His stomach was doing flips and his brain was too focused on the way Shane’s hands were staying in place, warm and rough. (and the way he kept fingering at the buttons of Ricks shirt) He wanted to say yes, god knows he did. But the reasonable part of Rick's brain kept yelling at him not to say yes and instead scream for help and kick at Shane who was now slowly climbing on his lap. 

Shane gave a small smile. He was still waiting for an answer but took it upon himself to take a seat right on Rick’s lap, Shanes legs weren't wrapped around Rick though he was sitting on his legs because all he wanted was to have easy access to grind himself against Ricks crotch. But he still needed the word, all he needed was a ‘yes’. Yet he couldn't help but lean forward, pressing a soft kiss to Rick's neck. Becoming gentle for a minute as his lips barely parted, his mouth dancing across the pale skin of Rick’s neck. 

Rick let out a heavy breath, his stomach tensing and his head fell back slowly. His chest heaved as Shane was getting rougher with his kisses, now letting a hot tongue slip out and lick or sharp teeth scrape against him. And after a while of this Rick’s lips trembled as he decided on an answer. 

“Yes.”

Shane pulled his head back, excitement building fast in his body. “Whaddya say?” A wry smile coming back to his face again. 

“You heard me, Shane,” Rick whispered shamefully. 

“I wanna hear it again-say please this time.” Shane grinned. “I’ll ask again...So do you wanna find out what I’m gonna do to your gorgeous body, Rick?” He licked at his lips hungrily. 

“Shane-fuck I- Yes...Yes, please.”

With no hesitation, Shane tore open Rick’s shirt, all wild like, as if he would devour him within a second- the buttons of his shirt went flying in all directions. It was ruined- it was a new shirt as well that Rick had found on a run- but somehow he wasn't angry in the slightest. 

Shane pressed his lips onto Rick’s open mouth, sliding his tongue in deeply and his hands going to caress Rick’s entire bare torso, Rick’s skin feeling amazing to Shane’s calloused palms. Shane wasted no time to grind his hips against Rick. And Rick moaned out bucking his hips up desperately, trying to find friction. 

Shane’s thumbs went to each side of Rick's pecs, playing and squeezing at his nipples, making Rick squirm under him helplessly, trying to keep his moans to a minimum. But failing- though his moans were muffled by Shane's rough kiss. 

Shane broke the kiss fast, moving his body back and breathing out heavily for a moment. He was beginning to stand up leaving Rick hot and bothered (and confused). “What are you- what are you doing?” Rick's eyes were wide as they followed Shane who walked beside him. 

“You need to be laying down-” Shane spoke simply as if it was just normal to do that. 

Shane removed the extra piece of rope that was connected to the bar of metal connected to the wall of the barn, he originally had tied it like that because he was afraid of Rick standing up and trying to fight, but his anxiety was eased now. So he removed it and pulled Rick forward then pushed him down on the ground. 

He ran a hand down his chest to his stomach and Rick shivered in pleasure. He wondered why he was being so submissive currently. It was something he wasn't used to. As Rick was in his thoughts he broke out of them once he felt warm wetness against his nipple, Shane was licking at it. Swirling his tongue wonderfully against the pink bud. His thumb still rubbing at the other. His other hand rubbing up and down on Rick's thigh- each time his hand went up he was dangerously close to hitting against Rick’s growing erection. 

Rick moaned out gruffly, his back arching, still hoping and praying to find more friction, yet he found none. After a minute of this Shane began to drag his tongue down Rick’s torso, slowly moving lower and lower. Down to Rick’s belt. Before stopping and looking up to see Rick’s chest heaving and his eyes filled with lust. 

“Do it-” Rick muttered, knowing exactly what his “surprise” was. He bucked his hips before a harsh hand pushed them back down. 

“You gotta be patient Rick, you never were too good at that.” Shane smiled with lustful intent chuckling. And Rick did the same- dryly laughing, letting his head fall back. Then bringing it up again.

Shane slowly (almost painfully slow) ran his finger along the bulge in Rick’s jeans, admitting a gasp from Rick’s lips. His breath hitching- he was admittedly a little nervous, never having been with a man before, but he wanted this as much as Shane did. It had been pent up for years, so here he was about to no longer deny himself of pleasure. 

“I want you to let it all out- ok Rick? Just like when you fucked into your hand in the shower, I wanna hear you moan my name, moan for me~.” Shane mused and watched as Rick nodded desperately. 

It put a devilish smile on Shane’s face as he now began to un-do Rick’s belt. Whipping it out from the loops and throwing it off to the side, he wasted no time pulling the jeans down Rick’s legs and down to his ankles. He had an amazing view of how big the bulge was. 

He palmed at it for a minute, seeing how far he could push Rick until he was begging for Shane just to take it down his throat raw, it wasn’t very long until Rick was pleading with him.

“Please! Please Shane just-just take me-” He felt a little nervous, never having done this before but he took his chances and Shane still couldn't get that smirk off his face. 

So Shane pulled at the hem of his boxers and Rick raised his hips, letting Shane easily pull it down and letting Rick’s cock spring free, he was bigger than most, Shane could tell, but he wasn’t challenged whatsoever- he was rather confident as he grabbed his length and pushed his thumb against into Rick’s tip, spreading the pre-cum slowly.

“Oh, you are beautiful, goddamn..” 

“Agh~Shane...oh god~” His blue eyes rolled back as he closed his eyes tightly. 

Shane grinned at the shameful noises that spilled out of Rick.  
“Attaboy~” Shane praised as he moved forward and licked a long stripe up his shaft. He was still holding Rick’s hips down, he wanted to be in full control no matter if he was going to be the one who was going to be taking a cock down his throat. 

So Shane decided he would do it slowly and almost lovingly, starting at the tip, kissing it gingerly and gently- trying to communicate he really did love Rick. Letting the kiss linger, his kisses gently turned into soft sucking at the tip, and then with no hesitation, he began working his throat slowly around Rick’s long member. Slowly bobbing his head as he went lower and Rick’s dick went deeper down.

After a few minutes Shane worked up the nerve to go all the way and started to deep-throat him, keeping his dark eyes on Rick, who was now working up a sweat as he writhed against his confinements, he wanted to hold onto Shane, pull at his short hair, or gently hold the base of his nape to keep him steady, he just wanted to feel something other than the hard ground. But it was to no avail. He was pinned down and couldn't hold in all of the interesting noises that were in him. 

His back arched and he moaned out loudly once Shane hit the hilt of his cock, he felt warmth and pleasure all around and for a minute Shane had let his guard down and his grip on Rick’s hips were not steady allowing Rick to buck his hips, his length hitting the back of Shane’s throat which admitted a gagging noise from Shane and it somehow got Rick even more hot and bothered. And Shane didn't mind it as much as he thought he would. But Shane still pressed down on Rick’s hips again dominantly. 

“Ah~Please Shane, Let me- fuck, let me move.” He groaned out, his eyes trained on Shane who was looking back at him dangerously. One of his eyebrows raised experimentally as he slowly moved his hand away from Rick's hips, he gave a look that told Rick to go ahead but still be gentle. 

So Rick held himself back from just fucking his throat fully, he thrust his hips forward barely, feeling his cock hit the back of Shane’s throat again- he realized how deep Shane really was and he chuckled lightly at that- it seemed easy for Shane like this wasn’t his first time. 

Shane hummed in pleasure, sending vibrations through Ricks cock, and Rick couldn't help himself at that point, he groaned out Shane's name as he thrust hard upwards involuntarily. Shane gagged harshly, his rough hands going to grab at Rick's thighs for support as his short nails dug into the skin. It would certainly leave marks. But Rick didn't care at the moment, he didn't care if Lori saw it- he just thrust hard again, Shanes eyes going wide as they began to tear up- even if he was experienced he still had a very prominent gag reflex but Rick seemed to love the noises of gagging so Shane let him go, all he wanted was for him to cum hard in his mouth. All he wanted was for Rick to be happy. 

Rick was now steadily fucking into Shane’s throat, earning himself wonderful gagging noises that were about to push him over the edge. Shane’s hands moved to Rick's hips, grabbing harshly as he braced himself- and Rick began to pick up the pace, but Shane was used to it by now not gagging as much- but he was beginning to get hard from the way Rick started moaning his name- it was different, more genuine and lovingly. 

He hummed once more his tongue pressing against the base and it threw Rick off the edge. 

“Shane! Shane-I’m cumming-” Rick groaned out like a prayer as he threw his head back, bucking his hips up multiple times as his cock twitched and came fast, Shane was surprised at how much there was, he bobbed his head up and down helping Rick through his orgasm, Shane swallowed most of it but he saved some. 

Once Rick’s moaning ceased and he was done Shane pulled off his cock with a bit of a ‘popping’ noise that earned a smile from Rick. And Rick pulled up his pants and boxers, the cold was getting to him now.

Shane wiped at the corner of his mouth, a bit of cum was still in his mouth and he had an idea. He pulled Rick backup to a sitting position. “What are you doing Shane?” Rick questioned playfully, tilting his head as he watched Shane lean forward for a kiss- so Rick opened his mouth as they kissed but was met with a small amount of warm sticky substance- he realized what it was and his face got hot. He pulled back slowly- “Is that..”  
He trailed off, his pupils were still blown wide with lust as he swallowed, the taste of his cum strong in his mouth.

“Yeah- I wanted you to taste yourself, how fuckin good it is.” Shane licked at his lips, he could still feel a small amount on his tongue, he was about to swallow it down but was interrupted by Rick.

“Kiss me again…” Rick muttered, his voice laced with lust. He felt so wrong to be doing this but it was surprisingly hot and got him going more than anything he's ever done. Shane began to go in for a kiss but Rick stopped him. 

“But- first you gotta untie me.” 

Rick met Shanes dark eyes, they looked at each other for a moment before Shane pulled out a knife from his pocket and reached behind Rick, taking a few seconds to cut the hard rope- it had time to thaw though so it was easier than it would've been an hour earlier, the rope came off and Rick sighed in relief. 

He rubbed at either of his wrists, they were raw and red and Rick frowned, knowing he would have to explain himself with some shitty story- but he didn't linger on the thought- instead, he sat up more comfortably and pulled Shane by the collar deciding to press their lips together once more, Shane opening his mouth and Ricks jaw going slack as he let Shane explore his mouth, the taste of Ricks cum was prominent once more. 

Once the taste was gone Shane pulled back. Panting hard as he smiled. “How was that? Did I satisfy Rick Grimes?” He laughed softly and Rick grinned. 

“Yes, thank you- you were amazing. I've never...been with-with a man so my first time was pretty good. Real memorable.”

“Yeah?” Shane grinned back playfully and Rick nodded. The guilt hadn’t started yet so he would enjoy himself for a while. 

“Yea- but you did fuck up my shirt, it was a new one too.” Rick joked, earning a hardy laugh from Shane as he began to get up now. Shane reached for the belt he had thrown earlier, handing it to Rick as he got up as well, stretching his back and Rick caught a glimpse of Shane’s bulge. He eyed it for a moment before looking back up. 

“You uh- need help with that?” Rick tilted his head down towards Shane’s crotch. 

And Shane had a small smile on his face before looking away. “Nah- I don't think you could handle that.” He teased Rick, it put another smile on Rick’s face, he hasn't smiled this much in one sitting for so long- but he could always count on Shane to do that.

“But seriously...I’m fine Rick, you got an early day tomorrow right? So, you deserve the sleep, especially since I just sucked the life out of you.” Shane grinned, moving closer now. “But you could repay me by lettin’ me come tomorrow- just you and me? Have a few days to ourselves maybe?” He reached for Rick's hand, rubbing his thumb along the back of Rick’s hand gingerly, pressing a soft kiss to it- looking at Rick hopefully. 

Rick felt a tightness in his chest- now the guilt was pouring in, he hoped it wouldn't but of course, it did. It always did. The pang of guilt tugged at him to say no. To tell him that wasn't a good idea. But he bit at his lower lip and thought about it- Shane wouldn't stop, no matter what, he would find a way to always be near him, plus he was a valuable asset when on runs for supplies or checking out places. 

“By ourselves? I don't know if that’s smart.” Rick muttered, rubbing at his stubbled chin with his free hand. Shane looked up at him with dark enticing half-lidded eyes. Pressing a kiss to Rick’s palm softly And the sensible part of Rick was gone. The guilt was shut out.

“Actually- yeah let’s….let’s do it. You and me, like old days huh?” Rick’s free hand cupped the side of Shane’s face softly, his thumb caressing Shane’s cheek. 

“Yeah, exactly. Except of course- a Lil bit different..” His voice dropped as he moved forward, kissing at Rick’s jaw softly, moving down to his neck again. 

“Now don't go and get me all riled up again.” Rick laughed, his dimples becoming prominent and he pulled off. “Now where'd you put my jacket?” He looked around, spotting in a corner and he began to shrug it on- all of his supplies were still there. 

“Let's get going…” Shane muttered. Rubbing at his short hair- leading Rick out of the barn as they began walking back to the house together. Their arms brushing against each other a couple of times, though they kept to themselves- not wanting to be spotted. 

“You know I like your hair like that- longer on the top, shorter on the sides. You should let it grow out more but uh- keep the sides short.” Rick made small talk- and it made Shane smile genuinely, Shane was happy that Rick wasn't acting odd or awkward after their encounter. He was... happy...

“Yeah? You like it?” Shane asked and Rick nodded. “Maybe I will keep it like that, see how it feels…” He shrugged. “Glad you think I'm handsome though.” He teased as they bumped shoulders and finally were on the porch of the house.

“So- we on for tomorrow?” Shane chewed at his lip as his hand went to hang at his belt. 

“Yeah, we have enough gas for two trips and that's it only- so we better not take any detours. Just straight in and straight out.” He ran a hand through his dark curly hair. His eyes settled on Shane’s mouth as he now crossed his arms.

“Fine, that's fine. Can I at least kiss you goodnight Rick?” Shane muttered, keeping his voice low as he took a step closer. “All the lights are out.” His hands slowly went to grab at Rick’s sides, squeezing lovingly at the extra soft skin there (even if there wasn't a lot considering they've been low on food.)

“I never pegged you as the sentimental type, Shane.” Rick grinned, leaning his head forward as their lips slotted together softly. Shane deepened the kiss, pressing his teeth against Rick’s bottom lip before pulling away. 

“Night Shane.” Rick pulled away from his grasp. And opened the door, heading inside and upstairs. 

“Night Rick.” Shane watched him go upstairs to his wife. To Lori.

And Shane found his sleeping bag and took a seat. Everyone else in the living room was passed out so Shane just sat there listening to Rick's footsteps grow softer and softer and then cease. He sat there in the dark for a while. Giddy for tomorrow- he laid down and stared at the ceiling. Shane closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, wishing a certain someone could be beside him instead of his backpack. But he calmed knowing tomorrow and the next day- he would have Rick to himself again. Just the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOw so I haven written actual smut in a while soooo,,,,I hope this was OKay! I hope it wasn't awkward at points or whatever but yeah-so Shane is just going a tad bit more crazy with seeing things and stuff but having Rick with him will calm him hopefully! hope yall enjoyed it!


	5. I'll Bloody Up My Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick and Shane go on that run to the hotel- a run that turns out to be very interesting

Shane hummed to himself- tapping his rough and large fingers rhythmically on the wheel of the car. His expression was serious but he was fine, happy even. But he had been driving for almost 2 hours now, but he couldn't complain. Rick had driven even longer for the trip to the hotel, sadly it wasn’t going as smoothly as they planned. Instead of a straight trip into a small city, they had run out of gas only thirty minutes in.

\-----------------------~~earlier that day~~---------------------------------

“Are you kidding me?” Rick whispered to himself, he was exasperated and pounded on the wheel in anger. Running across the short beard on his jaw- it was getting longer.

“Shit, you think we’re close to any gas station maybe?” Shane tried to be more positive in the situation- for in moments like this his mind was focused on surviving, not getting angry or upset and sitting there and wallowing-of course later he would focus on other things like emotions and such but his mission was making it to the hotel.

“I don't- I don't know, shit, just wait here- were lucky we broke down in town. Imma go look around ok?” Rick insisted as he grabbed his jacket and stepped his long legs out of the car.

“Woah, hold on- why do I have to wait?” Rick should have known Shane would have protested. Of course, he would- Rick began rolling his blue eyes, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with Shane acting like Rick couldn't take care of himself when he clearly could. After all, he’s survived this long.

“If someone passes through and if they have gas they might take the car- I’m not just letting us leave it here, we have clothes, food, and weapons, we can’t take all of our supplies with us each time we leave the car, so please, just stay here...for- for me, ok?” Rick added a soft smile that he knew Shane wouldn’t be able to say no to, and he turned out to be right.

Shane melted at his smile, reminding him of last night, in the barn. He still was getting used to seeing Rick smile so much around him when they were alone together, it even gave him butterflies in his stomach like a fuckin teen, it just melted Shane, knowing he was able to make Rick smile like that, not even Lori could do that these days. So, Shane gave a scoff and leaned back in the passenger seat.

“Fine,but- please...be careful.” Shane furrowed his brows before tucking both his hands behind his head and letting out a large exhale of air.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick found gas, a good amount of it too. They would be able to get there soon, at least that’s what they thought, but another thirty minutes passed and they reached a highway, flooded to the max with cars. Rick was angry, but he stayed in a stubborn silence as Shane pulled out the map, trying to maybe find a backroad they could take.

“Ey, Listen, just relax- it might take longer but don't worry, we’re gonna make it Rick.” Shane gave comforting words as he used to- like when Carl was shot, Rick could never forget it, it was burned into his brain. When Shane whispered into his ears, easing him into the chair and holding him by the shoulders. Or even before the world ended when Rick and Shane were sitting out in the patrol car and Rick was panicking over his marriage with Lori, Shane always would consult him. So it felt familiar in the best ways possible.

They eventually found a backroad and were driving along. They had hit two hours on the road now, having to refill the gas multiple times considering it was a shitty car, even the engine would stop and stall for twenty minutes-and by now the sun was already setting even if it wasn’t that late in the day- but winter was starting to hit them so it was expected.

Rick was already getting drowsy, Shane could see it.

“Hey- how much gas have we got left?” Shane softly tapped at Rick’s thigh to get his attention. Rick jolted a bit, yeah he was getting tired.

“Uh- enough to get there.” Rick scrubbed at his face for a minute before setting his hand near the beverage holder- tapping his fingers against the hard surface. His eyes set forward on the road. His head tilted ever so slightly. His dark curls falling to the side and his jaw clenching- he was fighting to stay awake.

“Ey-” Shane started and reached to the side- grabbing at Rick’s hand with his calloused ones, his thick fingers intertwining with Rick’s more slender ones. Rick flinched at it, Lori used to do that in the car with him constantly. Holding his hand to let him know she was there...Rick looked over at Shane, half expecting to see Lori sitting there with her bright sweet smile and wavy brown bangs hanging in her eyes. But he didn't.

Instead, he saw Shane, his strong features highlighted in the dull sunlight with a concerned look on his face, while Rick looked and felt dazed. “How about you let me take the wheel for a while huh? At least until you're well-rested?” A deep southern twanged voice rang in Rick’s ears as he blinked his blue eyes, it wasn’t Lori’s sweet light voice but Rick still kept thinking it should be.

Shane looked at Rick eagerly- waiting for an answer. Rick pursed his lips now- turning his eyes to the window then to Shane, he thought for a moment, snapping back to his reality, that Lori was home and he was here, with Shane, with oh so strong Shane who was always his rock and always charismatic and funny and always able to make him smile and feel things that Lori couldn't. Rick blinked a couple of times before letting out a heavy exhale and slowly letting the car come to a stop.

“Are you sure? The driver’s seat has a spring that digs into your ass.” Rick tried to let out a chuckle even though it came out sounding dry but he raised an eyebrow and watched Shane laugh at the comment.

“Yeah, I’m sure- you need the rest.” Shane grinned- still letting out a few more chuckles at the stupid comment- if what Rick said about the seat was true he would hate it, but he planned on putting his coat over the seat, so maybe he wouldn’t feel it.

Rick looked at their hands intertwined for a moment. He had mixed emotions currently- not understanding what they were doing. If they were a couple or if they just were having an affair, or why he was feeling an overwhelming attraction to Shane, why he wanted it to be just them and only them for once in perfect solitude. It felt wrong, but in the way where he yearned for it because of the fact, it was so appalling.

He really couldn't tell Shane’s thoughts or what he wanted, but before he could think further on the matter Shane reached forward, tilting Rick’s chin up so their eyes could meet.

“Rick?” Shane muttered. “Are you even listening right now?” He scoffed, breaking into a smile.

Rick nodded. “Yeah, yeah, it’s just- I’m tired, you’re right.” Rick sniffled, it was cold in the car, the heat didn’t work, and his coat wasn’t as thick as he thought. Shane noticed and the hand that was on Rick’s chin moved up to Rick’s cheek, cupping it softly and rubbing at it with his thumb, his brown eyes flickering from Rick’s eyes to his lips quickly, studying the face he adored and could never tire of.

“Are you good?” Shane muttered softly. Genuinely concerned, he tried to let Rick know that he cared and wasn't just using him.

Rick let himself smile, his guilt melting away as he let his head tilt into Shane’s hand, then turning it to kiss his rough palm. And Shane didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he leaned forward in the small space of the car and pressed his lips against the man in front of him. Rick was slightly surprised but hummed in response. His blue eyes fluttering closed as they lazily kissed, tongues intertwining slowly. It was wet and warm yet this was Rick’s favorite type of kiss- slow and lazy. And he knew Shane enjoyed it as much as Rick did, especially once he felt a large hand slide up his thigh. He groaned into the kiss, Shane’s teeth catching at his bottom lip and sucking at it between said teeth, his tongue teasing at it before Rick pulled away to catch his breath.

Shane huffed in a disappointed manner at the warmth of the other man’s lips suddenly being grasped from him, but he didn’t make any movement, instead, he stared at Rick daring him to take some sort of control, some sort of authority in the situation, and Rick knew that look, that bold audacious one Rick grew to be fond of and so Rick pressed against him once more, pecking at his lips softly a couple of times in a teasing matter before biting Shanes bottom lip, earning him a moan and the feeling of a wet tongue in his mouth. They stayed like that for a while, just tasting one another, basking in the warmth and desire.

“I’m better now,” Rick mumbled against Shane’s mouth before finally pulling away, opening his eyes. A smile set on his face as he went back to his respective area. “Now c’mon and get out- I’m ready to take a nap.” Rick chuckled and felt delighted when Shane did as well.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane wasn’t tired yet, he just kept humming, his hand still on Rick’s thigh as he slept. Rick was covered with his jacket and Shanes since it was cold, maybe even freezing -but Shane didn’t mind it- other than the spring in the chair, that did bother him, but he tuned it all out. Focusing on getting to their destination and going in and out. Plus keeping his Rick safe.

Shane mentally cursed at himself though- they would arrive at night, which would be difficult. Trying to navigate and what not. He wondered if he should just stop and wait till morning to get there. He could use a nap himself, but he couldn't tell whether Rick would be mad at him if he did. But Shane decided he’d do it anyway. If he wanted strength to fight off walkers (or people) he would need the rest.

So Shane stopped the car, parking it on the side where the road met the woods so the car couldn't be spotted that easily. Shane shivered, breathing out a rough exhale. He ran his thick fingers over his head, going back and forth a few times before shifting his body into a comfortable position. Or at least he tried his best to, considering his seat was all busted up. But he crossed his strong arms over his chest and turned his body toward Rick.

Looking at him with wide eyes through the dark. He couldn't see Rick well. All he saw really was a black lump with features he could barely make out, but Shane by memory could tell where Rick’s face was and he couldn't help but reach forward, brushing his thumb across his cheekbone. Slowly swiping the pad of his thumb across the skin back and forth.

Rick stirred barely and Shane pulled his hand back tucking it back across his chest, he watched Rick just shift his body before turning away from Shane. His back to him, and for some odd reason Shane took it personally, he knew he shouldn’t, Rick was unconsciously turning, trying to get comfortable so why did a pang of annoyance hit Shane but he shook his head. He turned as well, back to back now. He didn’t like the idea of going to bed staring at Ricks back- it made him feel distant- but his thoughts were interrupted with a yawn, he bared his teeth and stretched his jaw before the yawn was over. Shane shivered once more and kept it up until he eventually passed out to the sound of Rick’s soft breathing.

\----------------------------~~Now~~--------------------------------------

The sunlight fed in through the windshield, it was early and Rick wasn’t even up yet. Shane on the other hand started the car up again and made it into the small city, or town, whatever it was it had some interesting buildings that still seemed to be frozen in time- most windows were still intact, the street not necessarily filled with guts of walkers nor humans, not filled with much trash. It was an interesting sight that filled Shane with a bit of a wary feeling, nervous even.

Rick finally stirred awake, sitting up slowly. Stretching his back, arching it in a way that got him a side-eye glance from Shane and a large grin.

Rick tilted his head. “What’s with the look?” He ran his hands through his curls multiple times, smoothing his hair back. He hated the way he always had a terrible bedhead and tried his best to make it ‘normal’.

Shane sucked a breath between his teeth and shook his head with a devilish smile. “I really can’t wait till it’s me making your back arch like that Rick.” Shane barked out and that sent Rick, really it did. He began to get flushed in the face and punched at Shane’s arm.

“Oh shuddup! That ain’t gonna be for a long time-” He protested in between Shane’s laughter. Rick crossed his arms and threw Shane’s jacket at him. Tugging his own on as Shane kept laughing at his reaction and red face.

“Hey! C'mon- you don't want me to crash, idiot-” Shane bit, and Rick began rolling his eyes.

“You’re the idiot- saying shit like that.” Rick tried to be serious as the two stared at each other in a silence that was cut short as the two burst into laughter- Rick watching Shane match the same stupid grin on his own face and shake his head.

“But really- I can’t wait till I can. That’s probably gonna be one of the best days of my goddamn life, yours too.” Shane dropped a wink and watched Rick pinch the bridge of his nose in embarrassment.

“Whatever” He scoffed before turning his attention to the mission at hand. “Are we close to the hotel yet?” Rick muttered looking around the familiar scenery. He could tell they were but still waited on Shane’s answer. Rick enjoyed listening to his voice as much as he would annoy him at times.

“Yeah, we’re coming up the street and then I think we make a left- what’s the name of the hotel again?” Shane muttered in a more grumbled voice. Looking around the surprisingly nice place. He chewed at his lip mindlessly as he kept driving.

“Bernthal Hotel. It’s uh- a tall red building. It stands out quite a bit.” Rick sighed. They stayed in comfortable silence for a few seconds before Rick piped up again. “Hold on- did you stop in the middle of the night?” Rick sat up again, eyeing Shane.

“Uhhh yeah- I needed the rest.” Shane shrugged. “I know- I know we should've been here last night and went in and out but c'mon, no ones gonna miss us that much, well maybe. They’ll miss you since you're their leader but still, you deserve a day off from everyone-'' Shane started up but Rick held up a hand to stop him.

“Pull-pull over Shane,” Rick spoke monotone. He had an unreadable expression on his face, Shane took a quick look at the way Rick was staring at him, he groaned out, fully expecting Rick to go on a long rant but he pulled over anyway. Stopping the car.

“What?” Shane muttered, he rubbed at the front of his head, and then his hand fell.

“Do you think this is some sort of vacation Shane?” Rick’s arms were crossed as he turned to his partner who was looking away from him now, that guilty look back on his face.

“No- fuck no, I don't think that, I’m just saying you can relax, you don't have to be fixing everyone else’s problems with this extra day we have. We can relax.” Shane finally turned to Rick. A sort of worry painted on his face.

“Listen, I get where you're coming from but Shane- I'm the leader, they all rely on me, and if something bad happens while we're gone since we are both of the strongest ones of the group...I just don't wanna come home to my family dead. To everyone just...gone.” Rick clenched his jaw, the mental image of everyone eaten up, blood and guts, that dark crimson red that Rick despised.

Shane just exhaled. Running a hand over his face.

“Don't- don't say that. Rick-'' He leaned closer to Rick, crowding his space, “Rick nothin like that is gonna happen ok? They- they got Glenn, T-dog, Andrea, Darryl- hell, even Carl.” He looked deep into Rick, even if Rick wasn't meeting those brown eyes that were looking into him.

Rick chewed at his bottom lip in deep thought. “Maybe- maybe we should just go back, I doubt there’s anything good in there anyway.” Rick still wasn’t looking at Shane now, just keeping his blue eyes down and studying the glove compartment. Rick expected Shane to respond but he didn’t, yet he didn’t move back to his respective space either. So Rick finally looked up at Shane who was just staring at him with his dark eyebrows closely knitted together and a serious expression.

“What?” Rick pondered with one eyebrow raised as he shifted underneath Shane’s harsh gaze.

“We didn’t drive a whole fuckin day just to go back- and you know damn well there is gonna be some good shit in there- helpful shit.” He grumbled as his eyes went even darker, staring at Rick intently.

“What about my family Shane? What about Lori and Carl?” He snapped at his partner, leaning forward now as well. His shoulders getting tense and his chest growing tight as he continued. “Does that not matter to you? Sticking together is what got us this far, and if we lose any more people then we are screwed!”

Shane groaned, his eyebrows knitting together in frustration.  
“We are gonna lose people if we don't get these supplies if we don't get food and meds, Rick! If you care so much about our group then come and camp out in the hotel for today and we’ll leave first thing in the morning-”

“Shane we don't even know if there will be supplies in there-We don't know!” He ran his hand through his curls and then with the same hand moved to pinch the bridge of his nose, an anxious feeling rising and building in his chest.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Rick? If there isn’t anything in there then at least we cleared the place, and I fucking doubt there are no supplies. And I know that you know that! I understand you care a shit ton about Lori and Carl but if you really did Rick, -you wouldn’t be out here with me!”Shane raised his voice- loud enough to get Rick looking at him wide-eyed and his body was tense and frozen. Like a deer in headlights.

Shane shifted back in the uncomfortable silence that now fell upon the two men. He could see hurt in Rick’s bright blue eyes as they darted away to look out the window away from him. Shane could tell Rick was even scared a bit, nervous because of him.  
And it put a bitter taste in Shane’s mouth, one that he wished he could wash away but he knew he wouldn't be able to, at least not for now.

Shane bit at his lip. “Shit- I’m sorry I- I didn't ...I didn’t mean that…” Shane sputtered out in an attempt to make it okay- to make Rick okay. Shane put a hand over his face rubbing at his eyes. “You know I didn’t-”

“It's fine, keep driving,” Rick spoke through gritted teeth, his voice sounding deeper and rough as he began leaning back deeply into the seat, pressing his body into the soft cushioned passenger seat. He crossed his arms and heavily sighed, he clenched his jaw, his mind kept repeating Shane’s words.

“ I understand you care a shit ton about Lori and Carl but if you really did Rick, you wouldn’t be out here with me!”

Rick also thought of his wife and son, he wondered if it was true. If he didn’t care for them, the thought burned Rick. Of course, he did, Carl...he would always love Carl. He would always care about Lori and her well being. But still...here he was with the man who had caused so many issues in the past for Rick, (like almost trying to take his family) and now who was extremely obsessed with Rick.

But Rick also felt addicted, he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop himself from holding Shane or thinking of him fondly. He couldn't help the smile that would break out on his face when Shane would make a dumb joke or kiss the skin of his cheek softly. So the confusion grew and grew between the uncomfortable silence as they drew closer to the hotel.

Finally, the car came to a stop and Rick took no time before getting out of the car and walking to the truck to collect their belongings.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
On the first day at the hotel, Rick and Shane split up as they searched the place, which of course was a terrible decision. But Rick insisted on it and he knew Shane wouldn't dare to try and start an argument again. They ended up clearing a few floors and finding the cleanest room in Bernthal hotel and stayed the night in a suite together- though they took shifts for watching out the window just in case, they didn’t even sleep in the same bed together that night, it was mostly stubborn silence until the morning.

And now Rick and Shane had split up to go through the rest of the floors- which was still a stupid decision but Shane would still not go against Rick right now even if it was really dangerous plus they were low on ammo but in all honesty, Rick wasn't afraid of Shane getting hurt or bit by a walker, as bad as it sounded- he felt like he would have a sense of relief if Shane got bit, preferably on the neck so he couldn't amputate the wound. But as Rick's thoughts became muddled with violence he caught himself.

“What the fuck-” Rick mumbled aloud to himself as he opened a drawer in their room of choice, there was a rifle and a med bag. He wondered why he hadn’t searched through their suite last night but Rick reached for the supplies with no hesitation. He opened up the med bag. Rick looked through it, it was full. It almost took his mind off of the growing paranoia and involuntary thoughts that began to plague him.

So Rick started humming a tune, something that was deeply ingrained into his memory, yet he couldn't recall the title. It was just something that had always been there it seemed. He would hum it with Shane, the two of them knew the tune, just never where it had come from. Yet, humming this familiar tune just got Rick thinking more and more of Shane, of all the good and bad.

Of how much Rick would love to hold him and kiss him, but also how much he would love to leave him here, trapped and go home. Even if now Rick felt like he couldn't call it home, even if he felt a strong and overwhelming sense of hiraeth. He just wanted to go home. Though Rick knew he could never truly go back to his house, it was gone and abandoned. It was over, it had been for a long time and somehow now Rick was finally realizing it.

Rick was kneeling on the floor going through the bag when he heard glass shatter across the dirty tile floor behind him, he didn’t take a second to spin his body around, pulling his gun out in front of him and aiming.

“Woah- Shit, relax.” Shane had his gloved hands out in front of him, gloved hands that were soaked in almost a black with an undertone of red, sticky looking substance. It was blood, and there it was all over his shirt and some droplets on his cheek that had a more red tone than black. His boots were covered in blood too, leaving bloody footprints as he stepped closer to Rick.

“Sorry, the rifle bumped into some champagne glass that was on the drawer- I didn’t mean to uh...startle you.” He muttered not even bothering to address the fact he was covered in blood.  
So Rick slowly stood up. Narrowing his eyes at the gory sight in front of him. Taking notice the butt of Shane’s rifle was drenched in the dark liquid.

“What the hell happened to you?” Rick gestured a hand to the blood. Rick didn’t ask in a concerned way, just more annoyed than anything. Annoyed that now Shane would have to throw even more clothing away and have to end up borrowing Ricks because he got too violent when killing walkers.

It was walkers that Shane killed, right?

The sudden thought made Rick swallow the thick lump that formed in his throat. He waited for an answer from Shane, who took a minute to set down the rifle and kick pieces of glass to the corner of the room.

“Lots of walkers in the basement.” Shane sniffed and made a face. “God- I should get these clothes off.” He set his backpack down in the room and took off his shirt with no hesitation. Rick drawing his eyes away, he had to remind himself he was pissed at Shane, and Rick couldn't let himself get lost just by looking at Shane and his gorgeous body.

Rick drew out a sigh. “You didn’t come across any people, did you?” He slipped in casually as he moved to the bed in the middle of the room to set down his newfound supplies as Shane peeled off the gloves, throwing them onto the drawer as he took a water bottle to wet a rag and clean his bare chest and arms of crimson walker blood as best as he could.

Shane was silent for a moment. Before scoffing and setting the rag down. “You think the blood is from people?” Shane turned his head slowly, his eyes seemed to be darker as he wiped at his cheek with the back of his hand.

“No, I didn’t say-”

“No whatever- it’s fine. But for the record Rick... I would’ve found you first if I came across a group- I understand the rules.” Shane furrowed his brows, even if a part of himself was lying through his teeth but he knew he shouldn’t have been mad, it was a good question and Rick was trying to be sure he could trust Shane.

Shane rummaged through his bag and pulled out a white tank top that hugged his muscles tightly and another set of jeans, he slowly put on the articles of clothing and then took a seat on the bed. He kicked off his socks before laying back on the bed.  
“I looked through most of the place, didn’t find a lot, found some meds, water bottles, and canned food. I also found some booze.” Shane titled his head upwards to glance at Rick.

After a long silence, Rick turned his head to meet Shanes dark eyes.

“What type?” Rick set down his gun on the bedside table and took a seat at the edge of the bed.

“Whisky-just like old times…” Shane sat up now and reached for Rick’s hand. And Rick flinched, it made Shane’s heart drop.

‘Is he scared of me?’

Rick didn’t expect to immediately give up on his anger, but once Shane held onto him Rick was gone, the feeling of the rough skin of his palms was something Rick always would love.

So he moved further up the bed in silence and now he was in Shane’s space, and Rick slowly leaned into him. And Shane wasted no time to put his strong arms around Rick’s middle and pull him into his chest. He held him there for a while, Rick’s head resting in the crook of his neck, his warm but trembling breath hitting Shane’s skin, it gave Shane shivers but he didn’t move.

Rick reached up his hand to stroke at the base of Shane’s neck, his blunt nails dragging across gently, he had an undeniable urge to feel the skin tingle against his own fingertips. It was true bliss as the two men sat in the silence together, quietly communicating. Silently saying their apologies as Shane reached for the bottle and they drank, passing the bottle back and forth until it was more than half empty, the two of them pretty drunk as they moved to lay down, and be still with each other, Shane held onto Rick’s body. Taking a breath before he decided to speak-

“Somedays Rick-I don't even feel alive anymore...I just...all day I just imagine what life could be like, instead of this shit, instead of everyone dying, everyone being scared shitless. Instead- instead of us sneaking around. I just…” He inhaled, his breath shaky as he tried to figure out the right words.

“I wish I could stop feeling. I don't want to do it anymore Rick.” Shane closed his eyes as he felt Rick’s hand trail up his back.

“Remember in the field- when I tried to kill you...I remember what I was thinking about at that moment. I remember thinking I needed to die.” Shane’s voice was laced with a mixture of sorrow and humor, Rick couldn't see Shane’’s face but he could hear the smile in his voice.

“Hell, I wanted you to kill me. I knew I was far-gone. Out of line.” Shane pulled back from Rick so he could face him, and his heart broke just a bit when he saw Rick’s eyes wide with something similar to confusion. Rick always knew Shane would either be a sad drunk- (or a horny drunk)- But Rick thought about that night, thought of what Shane was saying.

“Here I am! C'mon man- raise your gun!-”

“Raise your gun!”

Rick furrowed his brows, he couldn't help but begin to tremble in Shane’s arms as he thought back to that frigid and bitter night.

“I knew it would make you a better survivor too, harden you up, without me you could’ve grown.” Shane fingered at Rick’s bicep, trying to take his attention off of Rick’s horrified expression.

Rick reached for Shane’s face, something in him needed to see him, to look into his eyes.

“And now?” Rick kept his sky blue eyes trained on Shane’s face. He was desperate for an answer. Shane struggled to keep eye contact, but he felt like he owed it to Rick, so he inhaled and gave a sweet smile.

“Like I said before Rick- Some days it's bad, somedays I wish you just killed me, somedays I wish I were dead, but on the good days....well-” He reached for Ricks' nape, pulling him closer. “On the good days I’m so in love with you it’s unbearable Rick.” He watched as a sad smile broke out on Rick’s face. And Before Rick could speak Shane went and began peppering soft warm kisses all over Rick, on his neck, his nose, his cheeks, his lips, his jawline. He even kissed at a place on Rick’s collar bone that drew out a groan deep from Rick’s chest. The sound had a tinge of pain to it.

Shane drew his lips back in a sudden panic but Rick was quick to reassure him.  
“No no- keep going, please.”  
Rick bit at his lip as he saw the change in Shane’s eyes. And in an instant Shane was on top of Rick, slowly kissing at his sweet spot, baring his teeth to nip at the skin of Rick's collar bone. It earned Shane soft whines and whimpers that got him all worked up. Even more so once he began feeling Rick raise his hips and grind them as best as he could, his bulge pressing up against Shane’s strong thigh.

Shane pulled back from Rick's neck, his dark pupils blown wide. “What do you want?” Shane grumbled, his voice going low as he felt Rick press his hips against his and roll them, now both their bulges making contact, Rick grinned wickedly one he earned a gruff groan from Shane's parted lips.

Rick felt eager, felt so desperate and eager to fuck all the pain away, just to wash it away with pleasure and love. He wanted to make Shane forget it, forget the pain of living in this fucked up world- he wanted to forget it all too, Just pretend it’s just the two of them and they aren’t wrong and sinful creatures who cause pain wherever they go. So Rick knew his answer, he knew what he wanted.

“I want you- I want all of you, inside me...now.” Rick desperately muttered, his face going flushed as those sinful words left his lips.  
Shane’s eyes widened at his request. But he knew eventually it would happen but he didn't think so soon. “Are you- you sure?” Shane rubbed at the back of his neck as he watched Rick nod slowly, HIs blue eyes lazily trailing down to Shane’s mouth and dragging back up to his shining brown eyes.

“Fuck me-” Rick grumbled as he reached for Shane and pulled him harshly into a raw kiss. All teeth and tongue that got Shane breathing heavy and groaning against Rick. Shane licked into his mouth, their warm, wet tongues wrestling together in a fight for dominance which Rick eventually lost. But with no hesitation Rick was grasping at Shane’s belt, undoing it with new-found confidence. And they broke the kiss (barely) so Shane could strip off the thin tank top and Rick could take off his flannel shirt and throw it to a place where it could be forgotten for now. He kicked off his shoes and socks and Shane was working on his pants. After a minute of struggling and kissing the two men were finally naked and still were on top of each other. Kissing and biting and licking.

Rick already started wrapping his legs around Shane’s waist, he was half hard and his skin was warm and flushed against Shane’s white skin and hard muscles. But Shane pulled back, leaving Rick looking confused.

“We need lube, or lotion or something, can't just go in raw or it’ll hurt real bad,” Shane muttered. Before going to the side of the bed.

“They always got lotion in these hotels right?” Shane grumbled as he rummaged through the drawer. Rick hummed in agreement before he began passing the time by stroking himself but with no real effort, he waited as he began to spread the beads of his precum over the head of his flushed cock- making small noises and whines until Shane triumphantly held up a mini bottle of lotion that was still wrapped with plastic.

“It says fragrance-free- for uh sensitive skin- should be safe right?” Shane chuckled as he ripped the thin plastic off with his teeth as his eyes narrowed at Rick- specifically at his rock hard cock. “Hey- don't touch yourself yet-” He swatted at Rick's hand and he rolled his eyes and grinned at him.

“C'mon and hurry up before I change my mind asshole-” Rick teased and patted and caressed Shane’s thighs playfully until Shane was on top of him again, grabbing his cock harshly and squeezing- not too hard but enough to make Rick let out an unexpected sob of pleasure.

Shane grinned and laughed before letting go, “Imma have to prep you first baby~” Shane popped open the cap- but before he was able to squeeze a generous amount of it onto his fingers and set the bottle down, Rick grabbed at his wrist- stopping him. “Wait- I have an...an idea-” He breathed out softly as he lowered Shane’s hand. Shane gave a puzzled look as he watched Rick inhale shakily,

“Can-can you use your tongue?” Rick worked up the courage to ask. “Just-just for a bit- please?” He choked out, begging like the good boy he was. He watched Shane’s eyes twinkle as a small smirk grew on his lips. “You’d like that?” Shane set the bottle down on the bed.

“Yeah-” Rick mumbled, his face growing even hotter (if that was even possible at this point) Shane broke out into a devilish grin. “Yeah?” He leaned down to mumble in Rick's ear, teasing him. “You’d like me to work open that pretty hole of yours with my tongue huh?” He pressed a kiss to Rick's neck before pulling back to see the look on his face. His eyes were half-lidded, his lips parted, and his face a pretty shade of pink. Shane moved back, setting himself in between Rick's legs and leaning his head down. Slowly teasing- pressing wet kisses along his thighs. Working his way lower and lower then throwing Rick’s legs over his shoulders.

“Please, Shane. Don't tease-” Rick hoarsely spoke, his voice was higher than normal- he couldn't believe it was happening. But he Bucked his hips up- letting Shane know what he needed. So Shane mumbled something incoherent followed by a very clear: “I love you so much Rick- I can't wait to work you open, make you moan my name~”

His voice was dirty and lustful as he continued. “Oh but no touching your pretty cock Rick- you can't cum yet~” He teased and Rick soon felt something hot and wet press against his tightness and slowly circle before darting inside of him. Immediately he was moaning, legs and hips bucking wildly and Shane pressed deeper into him.  
“Shane!- Oh my god, Shane, I- I-” He stuttered helplessly before trailing off, his head feeling foggy as his cock painfully hardened even further, it was neglected as it pressed up against his stomach, precum coating his abs as he kept bucking up his hips involuntarily.

Shane hummed against him, pressing his tongue up, angling it as best as he could, his prominent nose pressing up against Ricks balls as he did so, making Rick moan out loudly- he was sensitive all over and could barely handle the sensation-

“OH fuck- I just- Shane let me cum!” Rick bucked up again, tears pricking at his eyes, and just as he said those words, the heat and wetness of Shane’s mouth and tongue were taken away from him. And Rick whined and sat up a bit to see Shane kneeling there, a love-drunk grin on his mouth that was slick with his salvia. “You taste amazing Rick-” He started as he sat up now. “But now I gotta prep you.”Shane got close to Rick again, on top of him pressing a kiss to his nose before grabbing the lotion as he coated his thick fingers in the substance before reaching down in between Rick’s legs.

“Relax~” Shane cooed before pressing a kiss to his neck and Rick took a sharp inhale once he felt a large digit slowly slide into his body. He held his breath, trying to focus on the feeling of Shane’s breath against his skin instead of the pain of Shane stretching him out with his large finger. Rick felt tense as Shane began curling his finger upwards, he grunted as his hand went to his partners back, blunt nails digging into the flesh. He whined out as Shane went all the way down to the knuckle. The burning sensation of the immense amount of pleasure driving Rick crazy.

“If you want me to stop you just tell me, Rick-” Shane started as he looked down at his best friend slightly concerned, who was still red in the face but he shook his head.  
“No, no, no- just- add another one.” Rick wheezed out. He lifted his head for a kiss to find some comfort which Shane openly accepted with a gentle smile, he wanted Rick to be as comfortable as possible. Shane kissed Rick as tenderly as he worked in another finger, Rick’s back arching as he hissed out, his nails digging into Shane’s sides, yet Shane didn't mind the pain.

As Shane curled both of his fingers up into Rick’s ass he pressed against Rick’s prostate- sending Rick into white hot-blind pleasure.

“Agh!~ Oh-Shane-” Rick let out a strangled moan, back arching even further as a harsh twang of pleasure slapped him in the face, it made Shane grin like a mad man as he started moving his fingers in and out, picking up the pace, more moans falling out of Rick-Shane kept pressing kisses to Rick's neck and throat as it vibrated with loud cries of pleasure and pain.

Just Rick's noises alone got Shane slowly aroused, his cock hardening, Rick had never even seen Shane hard, so once Shane finally pulled his fingers out and leaned back on his knees, Rick finally got a good look at Shane’s length and girth. It made Rick’s chest tighten as he realized that was going to fuck him- Shane was easily bigger than Rick, a huge cock for a huge man, it was fitting. Rick swallowed the lump in his throat as his eyes trailed hungrily up the length of Shane’s cock, those blue eyes of his taking in every detail. Shanes cock was flushed purple at the head which glistened with precum, a girthy vein along the shaft which Rick couldn't wait to get inside of him.

He watched Shane grin, taking notice of Rick’s reaction to seeing his length.  
“Ya like what you’re seeing darlin’?” He smirked at Rick who’s face immediately went hot in embarrassment. Shane just laughed before reaching for the lotion, “Don't get shy on me now Rick- we haven't even got to the fun part~” he commented before pouring some on his hand and spreading it along his cock, he shivered in pleasure as he leaned back down. Lining himself up with Rick’s entrance.

“You want me, baby~?” Shane murmured possessively in Rick’s ear with half-lidded eyes.

“Yes- god- yes~” Rick moaned and begged as he wrapped his legs around Shane’s waist once more, adjusting himself and raising his hips. “Please- just-”  
Rick was cut off once he felt a strong rough hand grab at his throat. Strong fingers digging into his skin. His eyes went a little wide, his breathing hitching as his eyes trailed over to Shane’s face.

“Tis’ okay?” Shane mumbled deeply- his words a little slurred by his southern twang. It made Rick shiver, but he nodded, “Just fuck me- fuck me till I’m sore. Please, please- make me scream~” Rick begged, sounding almost panicked as he looked directly into Shane’s eyes. The eagerness in his voice was prominent, he was so desperate and Shane picked up on it, he wondered why Rick all of a sudden wanted this so badly- before he wouldn’t even talk about actual sex with Shane, now he was asking him to fuck him raw- to screw his brains out? It didn't add up, was he being used? After all, each time Shane mumbled an “I love you-” he would get a hum or a blink of the eyes in response.

But Shane shook the thoughts out of his head. Pressing a kiss to Rick’s cheek before slowly pressing his hips forward, the tip of his cock stretching Ricks hole- Ricks back arching as his mouth gaped open, he tried to move his head forward- desperately wanting to hide his face and nuzzle it into the crook of Shane’s neck- but instead, he just pressed his throat into the hand the was wrapped around it. Strangled moans spilling out of him as Shane soon buried himself inside of Rick’s ass balls deep. He didn’t move though- he stayed still, letting Rick’s tight walls warm his cock. Letting Rick get used to the feeling of being so full and stretched out.  
After at least two minutes of stillness, Rick was pressing his hips back into him.

“Shane, Move- move please…” He shamefully requested. Shane huffed out a breath, studying Rick’s face- he was so ashamed, Shane could tell, it was easy too, considering he’s known Rick for so long, they didn’t need words to communicate certain emotions. He could see how all Rick longed for some comfort in this situation- in this terrible situation where he was cheating on his wife, his pregnant wife. With the man she cheated on...how sick is that?

Rick could feel himself getting choked up, thinking of Lori was the worse thing he could do now, All he wanted was to forget- to get so fucked up he could barely remember. He would be so hungover the next morning- maybe he really would be able to forget about Lori- about their wedding day, the first time she kissed him, when Carl was born, he could forget for just a little bit and indulge in Shane instead.

And Shane could see all of it in Rick’s eyes. It made him furrow his brows. But now he could understand why Rick needed this, So with one strong and quick motion of Shane’s hips, he pulled out before slamming his cock back into Rick’s body. Hitting that spot which admitted a heart sob from Rick, whose blunt nails now scratched deeply into Shanes back, and then Shane did it again --and again and again.

Rick’s body felt so tight already, his cock untouched as it slapped against his stomach each time Shane would ram his dick into him mercilessly, keeping his dark eyes trained on Rick’s face, he noticed everything, noticed the way Rick was so ashamed, the way Rick bit down on his lip and tried to brace himself went Shane would pull out just to slam into him again, and the way Rick’s eyes started to prick with tears as he sobbed out moans and incoherent words.

“Oh my god- you’re so tight- so fuckin amazing Rick~” Shane kissed at his lips softly, picking up his pace as he fucked harshly into Rick. His free hand grabbing at Rick’s cock, slowly squeezing as he began to pump him, adding another element of pleasure.  
“I love you- oh my god- I love you~” Shane purred into Rick's ear. His mouth going agape at Rick's chin-he felt himself slowly drawing towards his orgasm, he was set on cumming inside of Rick and cumming with Rick.

Rick felt hot tears slowly trickle down his cheeks- the pleasure and pain and the way Shane’s tight fist squeezed his cock and the roughness of the snap of Shane’s hips becoming too much for him. He listened to Shane’s praises, to the way he kept repeating ‘I love you’ into his ear.

“Shane I-” Rick tried to get out his words, but he couldn't. The sensations having too much power over him. Shane kept pumping Rick fast. Keeping up with the pace of his hips. “Shane I-I-” Rick still tried to speak, feeling Shane going even harder. Making Rick cry out, His legs shaking as he felt himself nearing orgasm.

“What? C'mon, tell me baby-” Shane growled deeply, feeling himself bury deeper into Rick.

“I can- I can feel you in-in my stomach Shane-” His back arched as he followed up with a moan, Shane moved his body back and looked down in between them quickly. Taking his hand that was on Rick's cock to feel at his lower stomach, pressing into it as he pounded into Rick once more, and sure as hell he could feel it with his hand, he could see it visibly too. It somehow got him even more turned on as he gripped Rick’s cock again, pumping fast.

“Oh fuck- you’re so beautiful like that~” Shane rocked into Rick faster now, each time he did Rick moaned out in bliss, feeling his stomach tighten, knowing Shane was so deep into him. “Oh fuck Shane- I’m gonna - I-”

“Me too- oh fuck me too baby, lets cum together-” Shane requested, his body heaving as it was slick with sweat, his grip on Rick’s throat tightening, his thrusts slowly becoming more and more messy and sloppy, just like their kisses now, Their tongues messily trying to dance but failing as their moans interrupted their kisses.

Shane removed his hand from Rick’s throat, now moving down to grasp his hips, pulling him down on him, “I’m cumming- oh fuck I’m-”  
Shane grumbled out, a sob of pleasure falling from his lips as he felt his stomach tighten and balls draw into him, as his cock spurted out long and thick white stripes of cum, painting the inside of Rick, which triggered Ricks own orgasm- his body all of a sudden spasming out, he pressed into Shanes cock, fucking himself on it as he came now- crying out loudly as he came- thick cum spurting from his cock as it twitched.

“Oh! Shane! Shane!- I-” Shane began pounding into him sloppily, basking in the feel of Rick tightening around him. “I love you~-Oh my god- I love you, Shane!” Rick practically screamed out-maybe it was the intensity of the situation but Rick wanted everyone to hear- he wanted to finally let it out- “Oh I love you, Shane- shane~” Rick groaned out, his voice hoarse as he felt Shane gasp-

Shane and Rick soon came down from their highs- Shane pulled out slowly, before laying beside Rick, his body buzzing. After a long moment of silence (other than Rick and Shane’s heavy breathing) Shane decided to speak now “You love me?” Shane faced Rick, his eyes full of adoration for the man beside him. He reached to touch the side of Rick's face, slowly running his thumb along his cheek. Rick furrowed his brows, his face still warm, his insides sore and body feeling numb just like he wanted, his head was only thinking of Shane- he felt glad- he felt relieved.

He moved closer to Shane. “I do-” He mumbled as he pressed a kiss to Shane’s stubbled chin.

“I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner…” Rick sleepily nuzzled into Shane. Kissing his shoulder blades which he had scratched up pretty well. Long red streaks covered Shanes back and sides, Rick felt a sense of pride as he ran his fingers along with them.

“I-Its ok. It's okay.” He kissed the top of Rick’s head, his curls were a mess. All over the place yet he didn't care. “I love you too Rick-glad you finally came to your senses.” Shane chuckled and Rick grinned stupidly. “Yeah- me too.”

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The horde had come unexpectedly- they were packing their new-found supplies and bags into the car, and once they had closed the trunk- all of a sudden, Shane was pulling Rick by the arm and screaming. Rick hadn't seen it, but when he looked to the left there were so many of them- the noise flooded the once clear street, then the smell.

Shane was running, pulling Rick who stumbled a bit before running as well, Shane ran down the street as fast as he could, Rick trailing behind him.

“C’mon Rick! This building right here come on!” Shane yelled back, he tried the door- it was locked. So with Shane’s elbow, he smashed the window. He saw a back door and rushed to it, opening it up successfully, he looked behind him and saw Rick, multiple Walkers grabbing at his feet as he tried to climb through the broken window.

“Hurry up Rick-please!”

“I’m trying! They got my feet! Shit-” Rick could feel his leg slip out from under him, his body falling forward and down onto the glass that jutted upwards into him as he fell. Shane looked back in horror, hearing the most haunting scream as the long piece of glass dug itself deep into Rick’s stomach.

Shane rushed over. Pulling Rick forward and up-the piece of glass was stuck into Rick’s stomach even as Shane got Rick up and into the back room. Setting him down against a wall. Shanes breathing quicked as he moved Rick’s jacket out of the way, his eyes widening at the size of the glass-and how much blood there was.

“Oh my-okay, okay-” Shane tried to calm himself and Rick, he held Rick’s face in his hands. “Okay baby, I need you to look at me- look at me, Rick!” Shane’s grip tightening. Rick’s breathing was shallow, he tried to keep his head up.

“I can’t- I…” Rick mumbled, the pain seared his stomach, it was white-hot. Burning into him as he could barely keep his eyes open to look at Shane, Shane kept shaking him gently, trying to stop the bleeding- trying helplessly to fix what has been done.

“Just stay awake- you need to stay awake! Once the hoard passes I can- I can get you back to Herschel, he’ll fix you right up, yes, yes he will. Rick? Rick?” He shook his partner, yet he got no response. Rick’s eyes were closed, his body limp and face pale, sweaty and cold.

Shane shook him hard now, “Rick!”

Still, no response whatsoever, and Shane kept it up, shaking him, again and again, and again as the hoard rumbled outside, it was white noise as Shane kept shaking him, his voice breaking as he called out his name-but soon Shane’s fear felt as if it was coming to life...but he couldn't think it, o he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t.

So he kept trying, his hands becoming bloody, he was helpless, he could barely breathe.  
He rested his forehead against Ricks.

“I love you, Rick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo this was longer than usual and wow a cliffhanger!! Sorry lmaoo! But I just had to, besides I worked so long on this I really wanted to do that lol! And Rick finally has confessed his love so that's good other than the fact he's bleeding out Oof- so anyway I hope you all enjoyed this one- sorry it took so long to update, took me awhile to figure out what to do with this chapter- also I love your comments so please comment down below- I LOVE FEEDBACK, anyway Happy new year!! <3


	6. Tell Me Sweet, Sweet Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Rick struggle to get home.

Lori laughed- her bright smile shining. Rick was leaning over her as they splayed across the picnic blanket, running his hands through her soft brown hair. She reached up to cradle his face. Her long slender fingers running along his jaw lovingly, the cold metal of her rings pressed against his warm skin albeit he didn't mind. Instead, he smiled even harder and inhaled deeply, She smelled sweet- of vanilla and fresh strawberries. A summer scent, it was familiar and quintessential. They were laying in the field of the park they would always take Carl to. 

So familiar- everything was really, the way the sun hit Loris face- accentuating her features in all the right places. The way the noises of children's laughter and the crooning of birds surrounded them. 

“Rick!” She laughed out as he pressed kisses shamelessly to the crook of her neck not caring who saw. His fingers running up along her waist. “I love you-” Rick muttered happily against her pale skin, the vibrations of her giggles in her throat tickled his lips as he pressed a chaste kiss against it. he looked up quickly, seeing Carl- he was only five now, but he was growing fast. He was running along the jungle gym, struggling across the monkey bars. Chubby little arms extending barely for the yellow bar of metal, a determined look on his baby boys freckled face- big blue eyes wide, just like Ricks, 

But, Shane was in front of him, clapping his hands and urging Carl forward- a large smile on his face as he reached out, guarding Carl in case he fell, Shane was still cheering for him. Rick smiled- watching his best friend catch Carl just as he’s about to fall. 

“Woah- you almost got it bud!” Shane spun Carl around before patting his hair lovingly, Carl being the toddler he was reaching for Shane’s thick black hair- patting at it just like Shane did to him. He watched Shane grin at his son like he was his own and cradled Carl on his hip, bouncing him slightly, making the toddler squeal in delight. But soon those intense brown eyes drifted over to Rick’s soft pale baby blues.

And a smile, bigger than the one Shane served Carl appeared on his face. It was soft- genuine and coy, Rick would occasionally catch Shane smiling like that, a real smile with teeth. Instead of that cocky one that he would always flash to girls at bars or just in general- even sometimes at Rick when he’d puff out his chest and try and be ‘more of a man’.

Rick gave a nod of his head, acknowledging Shane’s presence as he smiled back as well, he was clean-shaven, his dimples were visible, Shane always liked poking at them, mentioning them- and he somehow could feel Shane’s eyes burning into them- drinking in the sight of his dimples, at his smile….at his  _ mouth _ . Rick felt a knot forming in his stomach, a tight intimate one. As Shanes dark eyes flickered back up to Rick’s eyes, he dropped a casual wink. Rick’s breath got caught in his throat, his face feeling warm, he looked away. Flustered, his eyes darting quickly back down at Lori- he gave a reassuring smile before sighing and kneeling to get up -moving off of Lori and Sitting on his knees. He still was looking down at her. 

“Rick?” She quizzed- her eyes filled with fear in an instant, those big brown doe eyes almost panicked and Rick blinked his own muted blue eyes- he kept looking down at her, but he heard a noise- something squelching and a liquid spilling to the ground and then a harsh thud so he looked up but the sky was now black with the moon hung in the sky- huge and bright, he looked around his surroundings he was at Herschel’s farm, he was confused, he decided asking Lori what happened but when he looked back down... he couldn’t breathe. 

Rick sat in the field, the wisps of the long pale green grass nipping at his arms as he tried to get up, tried to pull himself back to his feet instead of looking at the dead limp body underneath him, a strong metallic scent of blood stung his nostrils. It filled his mouth. The body that had fresh blood pouring out of the agape mouth, that blood covered his own hands. That covered his knife he was holding all of a sudden. The hole in the heart, fresh blood spilling out. But he couldn't stop staring into those dead eyes, the strong brown eyes that seemed to slowly become paler as the seconds ticked by.

It was silent. Until Rick heard a heartbreaking sound- a wild broken sob, He didn’t realize it was his own until he began to stand. The sob broke out of him- from deep in his chest as he stared-teary-eyed at Shane, hot tears falling pouring down his cheeks and falling off his jaw-as he couldn't stop staring at his best friend. Whom he just murdered. 

He felt anger, confusion, and a strong hint of sorrow. But the tears wouldn’t stop. He felt sick to the stomach and grabbed at his torso, Holding himself as he backed away, his crying continued. But as fast as Shane went down he got back up-but this time, his skin was white as paper, his eyes dead, the whites of his eyes now a rotten red, his once brown eyes turned into a pale blue, he growled as he began to draw closer to Rick.

Rick tried to move- yet his body was still, he didn’t move he couldn't- he looked down his stomach was slashed open, blood pouring out of him as this new dead Shane rushed toward him, growling as he grabbed the sides of his face, his jaws opening and biting down-

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick’s eyes shot open- his body jerking back from the grip on his face, from Shane's grip, his breathing panicked and heavy as he looked around, his dark curls stuck to his forehead by sweat. He saw Shane draw away from him, he had the same panic on his face but it melted into a slightly relieved smile.

Rick was dizzy, his sight going blurry now and then. “I got- I gotta, - Lori...H-'' Shane's eyes widened, his relieved smile dropping now- a pang of guilt hit him, his eyes drifting from his partners face, he shifted back but Rick was too occupied to notice the sudden change in Shane's demeanor. He strained his body forward to stand, but a harsh wrenching burning slam in his gut stopped him. A pained screamed falling from his lips as his body stiffened in pain.

Shane hissed out, hands reaching for Rick’s shoulders, setting him back down against the blood-stained wall. 

“ _ Fuck _ \- relax Rick...relax- the horde is almost gone. I-I shot at a car- way down the street- the horn went off so they’re clearing out, soon we can get back in the car, I’ll drive far enough then patch you up-you packed the medical kit right?” Shane dabbed at Rick’s sweaty forehead with a piece of cloth. 

“Mmhm-” Rick hummed, nodding his head as best he could. It was a shaky sound, his body ached- everything ached. He’d never felt anything like this before-never this much pain at once, he looked down at the wound- the humongous piece of glass stuck in his stomach still. 

“I- I- It's- so cold Shane…” a pained groan fell from Rick’s lips as his head fell back against the wall. His body shivered feverishly as he tried to be still. Shane was slightly distant as he watched his lover. Almost offended by Rick breathing out Lori’s name- was he dreaming of her? Shane bit at his lip- he shouldn't be selfish, he had to help Rick. His hands were covered in so much blood- he couldn't hold his face but he did reach for Rick’s hands, he knew he needed the comfort nevertheless. 

“D-d-do-do you want my jacket?” Shane heaved out in a panic. Stuttering as he began to shrug the thick coat off. But he stopped halfway when Rick shook his head- swallowing the thick taste of blood in his mouth. 

“No-no-no-no...I’ll just dirty it- no…” Rick muttered as if it matters if the jacket got stained with blood- yet Rick still managed to quiet Shane. He felt dangerously close to going unconscious again- his bright blue eyes threatening to roll to the back of his head and his eyelids begged for sleep. For rest. His now chapped lips parted, his damp curls covered his face as he hung his head forward now. 

He looked up deeply at Shane, a pained expression and desperate look in his eyes. His chest heaving with every struggling breath but somehow it seemed alluring- similar to the one he was giving Shane yesterday in bed. It was disgusting and equally as disturbing of a thought- Shane caught himself. He blinked a couple of times surprised with the intrusive thought that wormed itself into his head he sighed- his entire body tensed as he put his jacket back on. 

“Shane-” Rick breathed out, his eyes were half-lidded as he strained to keep his eyes on Shane.

“Yeah?” Shane urged- his hands gripping Ricks a little tighter- the blood on their hands was slick against each other as fingers began to intertwine, forming a crown.

“I’m dying...I’m going to die.” Rick exhaled shakily. “ _ I’m dying _ -” He felt as if it was freezing- he half expected to see his breath in the air as he bled out steadily. But somehow it was a warm morning even in this dank abandoned building. 

“Don't fuckin tell me that, man- you are not going to die...you’ll die when you’re ready, and you ain’t- hell, you’re Rick  _ fucking  _ Grimes. You don't die yet-” Shane bit at his lip. “You don't die like this- not in this shit hole, not with me beside you,” Shane grumbled, his voice becoming muffled in Rick’s ears as he kept speaking.

Rick let out a smile- a real one as he reached up to touch the side of Shane’s face, with all of his blood- but Shane didn’t move away, he let him hold his face, feeling the slick liquid on his cheek, Shane even leaned into Rick's blood that was shiny with gore. Because what if this really where Rick Grime’s life ended? Shane wouldn’t forgive himself if it was- he wouldn’t be able to, not ever. And he knew Lori wouldn't forgive him, and  _ especially _ not Carl. 

“It’s the apocalypse, it’s _ fitting _ ,” Rick mumbled as his eyes searched Shane’s face. “Isn’t it?” He chuckled out using the last ounce of strength he had to shift his body upwards- he was feeling numb now, slowly pain seeped out of his body- and as Shane watches Rick’s eyes become heavy he could feel Rick's hand slipping from his visage, Ricks eyelids falling shut once more. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wait? Are you serious! No fuckin way!” Shane chortled- a huge grin on his face, his eyes trained on Rick. 

“Yeah- no joke, you seem real happy!” Rick chuckled out, he was messing with his gold badge- he watched Shane reach forward to grab his shoulders and shake him. 

“Imma be a fuckin uncle Rick- why wouldn’t I be?” Shane excitedly huffed out- pulling Rick in for a tight hug. His large hand making its way to the back of Ricks' nape and squeezing lightly. It gave Rick a shiver.

“Not really- but I guess...I mean, we would’ve loved to make ya the godfather Shane-” 

“The godfather!?” Shane interrupted excitedly, his eyes widening,

“Is that a higher rank than uncle?” He pulled back just enough to see Rick’s face contort into a flustered smile- Rick could feel Shane’s minty breath on his face, it was something Rick could never get used to. 

“Who cares? Not like I got siblings- you’ll be his favorite anyway…” Rick pulled away from the hug and Shane went back to his respective space, still a huge grin on his face as he raised a leg to the dashboard, leaning back in his seat and popping a french fry into his mouth. 

“Yall think of a name yet?- ya know Shane Junior ain’t too bad, you should tell Lori that.” Shane dropped a wink before Rick playfully punched his arm. A small laugh falling from his lips.

“Oh shuddup- you're a terrible influence, never would name a sweet angel like that after you.” Rick jeered as he adjusted his hat and Shane guffawed. “But we like the name, Carl.” Rick smiled tenderly. Shane turned his head. “Why do you say it like that?” Shane rubbed at his stubbled chin. Giving Rick a bit of a side-eyed look as he pursed his lips.

“Huh? Like what? I’m saying, Carl...Carl?….there's nothing wrong with it?” Rick spoke but it almost sounded like a question at this point.

“Nah- you saying it like- like…….Cooor-al.” Shane spoke out in an exaggerated southern accent. Imitating Rick. He fought hard to keep a straight face as he watched Rick furrow his brows and tilt his head. Giving a confused look.

“What- I don't say it like that...I’m saying, Carl.” Rick folded his arms defensively. 

“Coral.” 

“Carl.” 

“Do you not hear yourself, man?” Shane broke out in a burst of laughter, holding his belly as his head fell back a bit. “Damn you don't even know how to say your own kid’s name!” Shane grinned at Rick who was punching at him again, but yet Rick still couldn't contain his laughter. Their eyes met as their shoulders were close against each other. Rick sighed heavily as the laughter died down. 

“Well, Rick...man- you know... that's great, about the kid. I’m proud of yall but it’s a bit weird how- you kinda just left Lori on her own, no?” Shane turned to Rick, his lips now in a serious line. His eyebrows furrowed as he squinted out- looking into the distance. 

“Huh?” Rick questioned, he could feel his gut-wrenching- tightening. He was bleeding again.

“Do you think it’s right? Lying to her each night- that you love her, that you’re keeping me in check, that you’ll get home safe from the run? I think your lies might catch up with you...ya know?” Shane sucked in a breath between his teeth, eyes narrowing down at him.

Shane reached forward- sinking fingers into the bloody wound in Rick’s stomach. Rick gasped. “Shane-” A panicked Rick looked at him wide-eyed, cold pain searing into his body. 

“You liar- imagine how Lori is gonna feel, imagine it.” Shane had a grin on his face as his hand sunk into his open wound-deeper and deeper. “I just want you to imagine it- imagine her face when she finds out about her oh so loving husband, what he's been doing- Imagine it-” He leaned in close, whispering harshly before jerking his arm and Rick screamed- blood poured from his mouth. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick gasped loudly, finally waking and taking his surroundings in, he was in the car, the seat was lowered all the way- his middle ached tremendously. He looked down, his buttoned shirt opened- there was cloth- medical bandages wrapped around his stomach tightly, he could barely move. The white bandage stained with blood near his lower stomach. His head was pounding. He flexed his hands- trying to feel something, anything.

But all he felt was the way the blood on his hands was now dried and sticky. 

He looked around- he could see the sky from the windshield, it was dark, stars were out. He raised his arm barely, staring at his watch- it wasn’t completely accurate but it was around 5 PM. His hand dropped and he looked to his side, seeing Shane giving him a quick look.

“How ya feeling, baby?” Shane muttered casually as if Rick wasn’t bleeding out. 

“Like shit.” Rick side-eyed him- there was a bad taste in his mouth, he licked at the back of his teeth. 

“You look the part too.” Shane tapped his blood-stained hands against the wheel. His expression was one of….well nothing, his face was blank as he kept his eyes on the road, but when Rick studied his eyes he could tell how panicked and pained Shane was. His eyes were always intense- he couldn't hide it. He couldn't hide how frightened he was- how some small part of him believed Rick was going to die and it would be on his hands. 

Rick muttered something inaudible as he tried to shift his position. He wondered how this had even happened...how yesterday he was in undeniable heat and pleasure, and now here he was virtually unable to move or even sit up. And he was in so much pain, it was almost amazing how much pain he was in. But a smile was on his face as he turned his head toward the window. 

He noticed how well Shane had wrapped up his wound, the piece of glass was gone, Shane had taken it out and did his best. It wasn't that great but it was still something- it was something that Rick was proud of. 

Rick was proud of him. 

“How long was I out?” Rick grumbled. He could still see he was bleeding- but not as much as before, that blood loss was way too much for Rick, he was still pale and freezing, but he didn't want to complain, he could sense Shane knew these things though, no matter how much Rick bit at his tongue and clenched his jaw to keep in his moans of agony.

“A while…” Shane mumbled as he sucked in a tight breath through his teeth. “Uh two hours maybe, I had to drive through the backroads again. So were uh...were almost hom- were almost back to the farm.” Shane corrected himself, playing it off as casually as possible, but Rick knew him better than anyone, he took notice of the correction.

Shane bit at his lip, he refused to call any place home, a home was never promised, especially now, at any moment things could come crashing down and the entire group would be out on the road again. Besides Shane knew he wouldn’t be around much longer.

But thankfully Rick didn’t mention it. He just closed his eyes tight. Thinking of yesterday, of all the intimate moments. Of every single touch and smile and breath. He wrote it all down to memory, refusing to let it go. _ It was a burning memory _ , burned deep into his mind. Every last little detail, he promised he wouldn’t forget. He promised himself that, even if a strong sense of guilt came crashing down into him each time he remembered the aftermath of yesterday’s events.

\---------------------- _ -The Aftermath _ \----------------------------

  
  


They were slick with sweat, it was hot, it was needy, it was everything Rick had longed and hoped for. Yes, he was satisfied as he lay there, splayed across Shane’s strong chest, Shane’s digit fingered at Rick’s bicep lovingly. Pressing kisses atop Rick’s head covered in wild untamed curls now and again.

They had finished the body of whiskey, laughing- cracking stupid jokes and kissing, indulging in one another’s company. As if the world was still normal- as if walkers were not roaming and multiplying. 

Their bare legs entangled with one another. Saying sloppy and lazy “I love you’s” as they exchanged quick handjobs, basking in pleasure. Basking in each other's warmth and body heat and taste. Something they've yearned for since they were young- since they began to grow up and notice each other for the first time. How they grew to love one another early on.

“So- what was your favorite memory from before the world went to shit, hmm?” Shane kissed at a spot behind Rick’s ear that left him giggling lightly. 

“Mine? Well, shit, Shane...that’s a hard question, dontcha think?” Rick looked up meeting Shane’s eyes, a bit of a playful look in his own as he let a small smirk fall upon his face. 

“Fine, I’ll go first- since you are so fucking indecisive, plus I got a better memory than your old ass.” Shane grinned as Rick swatted at his arm. Though he was barely offended by the comment.

“I’m not fuckin old-”

“You're older than me.” Shane raised his eyebrow. A smirk playing on his lips.

“By one year idiot!” Rick grumbled- his annoyed smile growing. 

“Whatever Rick-whatever..” He sighed, turning his head away for a minute, a comfortable silence washing over them as Shane hummed in thought. 

“Oh shit I know mine- ya remember the first day of the academy?” Shane grinned at Rick, his fingers now dancing over his shoulder and sweetly massaging at the tense knots in his muscles. Rick hummed- nodding his head slowly as he leaned into Shane’s large body. Groaning in the pleasure of Shane’s strong hand massaging into him. 

“So, damn, this is so clear in my mind, heh, being in the same academy with you was fuckin the best, but oh the first day...seeing you walk out in the uniform- goddamn....you were all curly-haired, clean-shaven...fixed up real nice. And you were so fuckin happy. So happy...I remember you being so excited, knowing this was your dream job, it’s what you always wanted to do. So I remember seeing you and just thinking Damn...he made it. And ya did, fuckin sheriffs deputy. You got a whole family too, a nice house in a sweet town.” Shane softly spoke that last part...about his family, who he was truly shaming by doing this. By being with Shane in bed and telling him how much he loved him when Shane fucked into him mercilessly- Rick tensed at that last part, he was silent for a few seconds. 

“Your favorite memory was of _ me _ ?” Rick mumbled sleepily as he dragged his finger across Shane’s chest and down his stomach and then back up again. 

“Not just you- but you when-when you were happy. Like a genuine fuckin happiness, man. And I mean afterward, there weren’t a lot of days like that. You were always stressing, so unsure and  _ whew _ \- just...I was sorry for you.” Shane looked down at Rick who had a blank look on his face. Shane wasn’t sure what he was thinking...Rick was way better at masking emotions than he was. 

“I think my favorite was when...when-” Rick struggled to get it out, Shane expected him to fully say something obvious, like when he met Lori when he had Carl, but Rick wasn’t thinking that at all.

“Shit...it was at prom.” Rick sounded befuddled as he said it aloud as if he came to a realization last second. But Shane could hear the warmth in his voice as he spoke.

“You just got dumped by uh that-that girl...shit what was her name again? Something starting with an A?” Rick looked up to see Shane leaning his head back and grinning slightly embarrassed. Covering his eyes with one hand, pinching at the bridge of his nose. 

“Oh, c'mon man…” Shane rolled his eyes at him, but he knew Rick would pester him if he didn’t say her name. “It was Arianna-” Shane mumbled as he looked at Rick with daggers in his eyes, a slight annoyance but he melted once Rick began to laugh. Pink sore lips dragging into a large smile- pretty teeth occupied those lips beautifully. 

“Yeah! Yeah, she was feisty once-real pretty but shit, you couldn't keep up with her” He chuckled at the comment and at Shane shooting him a look

“But anyway...right before prom when Arianna dumped you and I had to swoop in and dump my date because I felt bad for your sorry ass... it was memorable really, we went as friends but at one point I remember you left, getting all pissy when you saw Arianna with uh...Pedro! Yea. She was showing him off and shit and you were getting all red in the face..and I found you outside smoking, and uh---we danced together out in the parking lot, a slow song. Since the windows were open we could hear it, I remember that- and you thanked me, then we left early and went and just got junk food and shoplifted some whiskey, we drank it ….and god, I remember wishing you would’ve just kissed me once you walked me home.” Rick laughed softly. Leaning his head back deeper. 

“I wanted to-but….I-I couldn't, You know why I couldn't.” Shane locked eyes with Rick, deeply, he was defensive, and Rick understood it. He understood why. 

_ “I know.”  _

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick was wheezing. His eyes closed as he desperately tried to go back to sleep, but his body did not allow him to. Every movement, every breath- it was like the sharp glass pricking into him all over again.

“You’re bleeding through it bad Rick-you gotta stop moving,” Shane spoke sternly. He kept his eyes on the road. But his fingers kept tapping harshly on the wheel, nervousness seeping through the stone-cold expression on his visage that he tried to keep on like a mask.

Rick ignored Shanes command, instead, he decided to speak. “How long until we're back?” Rick muttered. He hissed slightly as he spoke- his tongue throbbed with pain, he had been biting at it for a while now, he hadn't even noticed how raw it was beginning to feel. 

“Close- were on the road back to the farm, five minutes- just five minutes.” Shane’s mask was slipping as they were drawing closer and closer to the farm, panic now settling in Shane’s chest- slowly crawling its way up to his throat, dangerously spilling out as his eyes kept darting back to Rick’s stomach, the front of the bandage becoming a deeper crimson each time he looked back. The stain spreads faster as the minutes pass. Shiny blood- _ fresh blood.  _

“Fuck!” Rick yelled out- feeling a sharp stabbing pain. He felt it in his lungs, his chest, his stomach, his back. He felt it everywhere.  _ Everywhere.  _ The ache that was once dull began becoming more frantic and more intense as they hit the bumpy rocks on the road to the farm. 

“Fucking- Oh! AGH SHIT-” Rick was crying out now, his blue eyes wider than they’ve ever been before, his head lifted as his entire stomach was dark crimson gore...blood spilling down out of the bandage. Spilling over the leather seat of the car. He was looking down at his wound, grasping at it desperately. Trying to stop more bleeding.

“We're almost there! Fuck Rick- were almost there, the farm is right there- hold on-hold on!” Shane’s mask fully slipped, he was yelling- panicked, eyes pricking with hot tears as his voice cracked. 

_ ‘This wouldn't be Rick’s last moment, this isn't it, it can't be. This isn't the end.’  _

Shane kept thinking as he drove faster and faster. And soon before he knew it- they were... slowing down? The car stopped suddenly with absolutely no warning, all of the gas gone and Shane hadn't even noticed it.

“No-no-no-no-no, god fucking- no...shit Oh, fuck Rick, Rick were outta gas.” Shane bit back tears. It was at least a little bit less than a mile by walking distance- the farm across the long field. And Rick was screaming and bleeding, he didn't even register that Shane was out of the car and on his side opening his door and grasping at him.

Shane didn't freeze in a moment like this, his mind did not stall when life-threatening situations presented themself to him. His mind worked purely on instinct, always had, so immediately he carried Rick bride style, a limp screaming body, Rick's blood which was a dark red gore covered his strong arms, but Shane refused to break down, his entire body tense as he began running as best as he could, adrenaline pumping through him, His hot breath showing as puffs of white in the winter air. 

As Shane tried his best to run Rick’s screaming attracted walkers- they were walking close behind, growling- their screeches fitting perfectly with the way Rick was screaming in pain, the smell of his blood drawing more and more walkers, but thankfully the trail of blood distracted a few of the dead, but they were close behind as Shane neared the farm.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  
  


“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray- you’ll never know dear, how much I love you...So please, don't take my sunshine away.”

Lori sang softly- the only light from a singular candle glowed warmly in the bedroom as her long and gentle fingers stroked through Carl's short brown hair.

She sang to him often, always calming him before bed, it was getting late and Carl was drowsy with worry- seeing as his father and Shane didn't come home by noon when they’d promised they would, but Lori and the rest of the group tried to ease him and themselves. 

As Lori and Carl slowly drifted off to sleep the house was silent, their bodies flushed together as she held him close to her chest, their breathing shallow, her hand still holding his head.

“Maggie! Get the med room and bed ready! Get everything out now! Everything!” 

A sudden scream from Herschel was heard from downstairs, then more yells as they roared through the house and even outside.

“Get your knives! There are walkers following them!” Glenn was the next to scream out something coherent, Lori immediately sat up. Panic filling her entire body.

“Mommy- what...what's going on?” Carl looked up at her, the same fear feeling his wide blue eyes. 

“Nothing baby, probably some-some walkers. Stay here, okay sweetie? I’ll be back in a minute.” Lori rushed the words out before slipping on her boots, not tying them properly, and finding her jacket. Her breathing quickened as she ran downstairs and pushed open the front door, seeing at least 14 walkers. Daryl, Andrea, Glenn, and T-dog were stabbing at them. A sudden gory sight as Lori put a hand to her mouth.

She turned her head, seeing Shane- he was holding something, someone. It was hard to make it out in the dark but as she stepped closer she saw….he was holding an unconscious Rick in his arms, Rick's hands dripping in shiny-almost black blood, so was his entire torso. Shane’s cheek was stained red, his arms also dripping in fresh gore. 

“He’s lost a shit ton of blood- we- we were,-- a horde and- he tried to climb through a window, glass- the glass it-” Shane fumbled to explain, his eyes shiny with hot tears as those same wet eyes drifted over to Lori who let out a sudden scream at the sight, She was clutching her mouth and soon a small figure appeared seemingly out of thin air beside Lori’s shaking body.

“Daddy?” The small voice asked, “Daddy!” It now screamed and there Carl was- reaching out for his father, blood still flowing from the pale body. But Lori held him- pulling him to her chest. “No Carl- No close your eyes baby!” She sobbed through heavy tears.

“Get him in now, Shane- explain after.” Herschel and his daughters tried to sound calm as they led Shane inside, they passed Lori and Carl, no words exchanged. No glances. Just pure confusion as stunned silence slowly washed over the rest of the group as all the walkers were dead now- just tense silence other than Lori and Carl's muffled sobs and Carol's soft words of reassurance. 

Shane came stumbling out into the living room a few minutes later. Everyone was cooped up, Lori and Carl covered in a blanket, Carol, and Beth beside Lori, holding her. 

Shane’s light green shirt...well it was red now, covered in thick blood, including his hands and arms. It brings no one any comfort, he stood there with puffy eyes and a shivering, shaking body. He looked around the room, obvious he’d been crying as he sniffed.

“He-Maggie and Herschel. They-they are working on him. He’s in uhm-...bad shape.”

“How did this happen?” Lori’s voice piped up in the painful silence she sounded hoarse and angry, staring dead-on at Shane.

“We...we were packing up all the supplies we found at the hotel. We were about to get in the car when- a hoard, it came outta nowhere, dammit...I pulled Rick down the street, there were so many, more than the ones on the highway- I swear to god Lori….and- and the closet building was locked I-I-I broke the window and climbed through it, Rick was behind me, shit he was panicking. He was out of it, and the hoard was right behind him...he tried climbing through the damn window but walkers were on him, they pulled- they pulled his legs out from under him, he was right there and I-” His voice cracked. He tried again. “And I-” Shane got cut off- a sob bubbled up through Shane's voice, but he pushed it down, wiping at the hot tears with his bicep- it was the only piece of his arm that wasn't stained. 

“And I just heard his scream, god I turned my back and there he was, walkers all on his legs pulling at them, pulling him back against the glass and cutting him open deeper. Jesus- it was...I pulled him up, I took him to the backroom and locked it, he told me….he was so pale….there was so much- I was...he was..” Shane’s chest heaved, suddenly all the air in the room was gone and it felt like he was suffocating, everyone watching him with wide eyes and silent judgemental stares. Of course, they were judging him, it had been a month since he tried killing Rick, and finally, when they are alone on a run- this happens to Rick.

But Shane shook his head. Trying to relax his frantic breathing. “He told me he was...he told me he was dying, and - and I couldn't let it happen, Lori. Lori you know I wouldn't- I got the walkers away as best I could. And-and-and-and I was...I tried to patch him up and got him outta there, the bleeding was going down but then when we were by the farm I hit bumps and it got worse- _ worse _ ...fu- shit. I-I- the car...it stopped, just stopped...Lori, it stopped- he was bleeding and I didn’t know, I was-” Shane couldn't help the tears that were coming now, his brown orbs looking around the room. He could feel their eyes, they thought he did this, they thought it was him. He could see it on their horrified faces. He was a monster and outsider. He stood there, no one to comfort him as he shook, his knees weak.

A stifled sob erupted from his chest and lips. He couldn't hide it as he watched the group's eyes widen. The strong image of a man he was made up to became crashing down as he stood there, hot heavy tears streaming down his blood-stained cheeks, he choked on his sobs as he rushed out as fast as he could.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ ‘I love you.’ _

_ ‘I love you too-’ _

  
  
  


Shane sat in the barn - soft stifled sobs falling from his lips, he held his head in his hands which he finally got clean. His entire body was sore and he was tired, so tired. He couldn't even stand at this point, he couldn't stop rubbing at his head, anxiety and panic buzzed throughout his entire body.

  
  


_ ‘ I’m dying...I’m going to die.’ _

_ ‘Don't fuckin tell me that, man’ _

Shane wasn't getting updated on Rick's condition, he was alone. All alone as he should be he was always destined for it- just when he thought he was able to keep Rick.

“You fuckin _ idiot _ -” He retorted at the thought. He knew he could never  _ keep _ Rick, of course, he couldn't. 

“He’s married, he has a child. What made you fuckin think--why would you be able to have him? To love him- it was nothing, it was nothing. It's over. Shane, it’s over-” He spoke to himself as his head hung, he had no more tears or sobs left in him, all he could do was stare at his red-stained arms and palms. As the same words repeated in his brain.

_ ‘Its over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over….’ _

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick finally awoke after 2 days. He was stable as could be and finally, Shane worked up the courage to finally visit him, he had been camping out in the barn since the night they had gotten back, wallowing and reminding himself of everything.

He entered the room, Herschel leaving him alone with Rick.

“Shane-” Rick looked up, he was shirtless, only a bandage around his stomach. His voice was soft and hoarse. But he smiled as best he could. “You look terrible-” Rick muttered, slight humor in his voice.

Shane didn't react, no soft chuckle or anything he could barely look at Rick. 

_ ‘It’s all your fault’  _ Shane’s mind attacked him, a strong pang of guilt hitting him.

“I'm so sorry.” Shane took a deep and shaky breath as he sat down at the seat in front of him.

“Why? You were the one who got me home. You got me home. Baby- you got  _ us  _ home.” Rick weakly reached for his hand, the word ‘baby’ resonated deep in Shane, hearing it from Rick hurt badly. But Shane let him hold their hands together. Fingers slowly intertwining, the cold metal of Rick’s wedding ring seemed to burn Shane as he looked down at it.

“I got  _ you _ home,” Shane mumbled, his voice deep and rough, still looking at their hands. 

“What's wrong?” Rick drew his hand away, he furrowed his brows deeply, he was concerned. How could he be? He was the one who was bleeding out, he was the one hurt and he dared to give a shit about what Shane was feeling.

“Nothing Rick- just shook up from what happened.” Shane spits out fast as if he’d practiced that answer a million times. “I'm here, I’m okay….I’m here for you.” He lied through his teeth a soft smile plastered on his face, and he watched as Rick's confused expression turned warm.

“You're not lying to me?” Rick added some dry humor as he curled an eyebrow upward. A warm smile playing on his lips, his eyes bright, his skin back to its original slightly tanned color. His curls wild, he looked beautiful, well-rested. And it was like a knife that cut into Shane as he forced a smile back. And oh, how Shane loved him, how he was his reason to live. And soon he wouldn't have that reason any longer. Soon Shane would have nothing- no Rick to keep him up and going. 

_ ‘It’s over’ _

“No, never. I love you, imma be here. All for you.” Shane leaned in close, cupping Rick's face. And Rick leaned up as best he could for a soft and warm kiss. They lingered, soft lips melting together, unmoving when suddenly a loud creak was heard behind them.

Shane pulled away fast, both of the men's eyes open wide as they looked around at the door. Nothing- no one there...

Shane and Rick both let out a heavy sigh. Though anxiety-filled Shane as he turned his attention back to Rick. “No one there-” and Rick leaned his head back. “Can you just stay here? Please?” Rick practically begged, his voice hitching up and Shane nodded with no hesitation.

“Of course. Yes.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

“I'm never letting you go on runs again.” Lori let a harsh breath out as she eyed Rick, He had a soft smile on his face as he rolled his eyes slightly. 

“What- you gonna start going on runs? Gettin’ us supplies now?” He joked softly. Fiddling with his ring as he raised an eyebrow at her. Yet, she didn't laugh. 

“If I gotta Rick I will.” She frowned lightly. “This was bad- this  _ is _ bad. And Shane he- he was so broken over it too- this isn't good for anyone. You keep putting your life on the line.” She muttered, though somehow her voice was monotone as she spoke. Her eyes were staring at the floor, she had a lot on her mind, yet she held it in as she brushed her bangs away from her eyes.

“Rick, you know I love you. It's been hard right now, with the-the baby and Shane.” She spoke his name grimly. Something close to pain in her eyes. “But I  _ do _ love you.” she reached for his hands and squeezed them with her own.

Rick couldn't bear to look at her. It was hard as she sounded desperate, desperate for him to smile and kiss her and tell her it's okay and that he loves her. But those were all lies. It was a lie. He cared for her, of course, he did, but he lost love for her a long time ago, he lost the love that he once had when he first was reunited with her ever since the world ended.

But Rick swallowed the lump in his throat. “I- Lori I love you, I always will.” Rick forced himself to look her in the eyes. Guilt filled his broken body as he watched her eye him, uncertainty in her body language, it was plain as day that she didn't believe him, but a small smile made its way on her face, she wanted to believe Rick. So Lori would nod and pretend like she didn't just see Shane kiss her husband and her husband kiss him back. She would pretend she didn't hear them exchange soft loving promises, that she didn't hear her husband call him ‘baby’ and beg him to stay by his side. 

Lori decided she would eat all of her husband's lies and act as if he did love her. She would eat it up, eat all of his sweet lies. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane began packing, he had been planning to leave for the past week, to run as far as he could. He planned on heading to Washington. It was far enough. It's not like anyone other than Rick wanted him around and Shane realized once Rick fully healed everyone's frustrations and judgments would be taken out on him, it was inevitable. The only ones who talked to him were Herschel and Rick now. Everyone else stared at him- even Carl. 

As much as Shane loved Rick- well, he knew he had to go, he had the initial thought ever since Rick came back after being presumed dead, he knew he didn't belong, and every time Lori was around he saw how Rick's anxiety overtook him, and Shane knew it was his fault. If he hadn't let himself grow weak and let his feelings go as well as coming onto Rick-it would have all been ok, maybe if he’d left a long time ago, maybe if rick had just killed him this affair would have been avoided, maybe Rick bleeding out would have been avoided as well.

Everything would have been. But no, Shane blamed himself for every little thing. For every tear that was shed, every angry look shot his way. It was all because of him

Shane picked up his duffle bag, it was filled to the brim, he decided he would go on foot- they needed the cars more than him. Besides he knew he’d be dead before winter was done, at least he guessed. It seemed likely and honestly, Shane felt grateful.

It was midnight. He had just said goodnight to Rick, pressing a warm kiss to his lips before telling him he would see him tomorrow, What a lie that was. 

Shane had contemplated on leaving a note- leaving something behind for Rick to let him know why it was happening, to reassure him it wasn't his fault, but Shane backed out last minute. It would be better not to give him hope, that's what Shane kept telling himself as he quietly left the house. His boots thumping against the wooden porch.

“Shane?” He heard a familiar voice.

He whipped his head around, and there she was. Lori. She was in a rocking chair, Carl was asleep in her lap, her eyes were shiny and Shane could only recognize the shine as tears. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder, knowing he’d been caught.

“What are you-”

“I’m leaving Lori. I'm going off on my own.” Shane grumbled. His head hung low as his thick fingers dug into the strap of his bag. 

“What...but-” She looked confused but somehow not too worried, of course, she wasn't, Shane could see some sort of relief in her expression.

“I'm not needed here, yall don't need me. Rick doesn't need me.” Shane bit at his words, spitting them like venom at the pregnant woman. “When I’m around nothing good happens, I just fuck everything up, its better if I go, and for real this time. No more planning and hesitations. I just gotta do it, Lori.” He furrowed his brows deeply, his tongue swiping across his lower lip as her glazed eyes bore into him.

“But Rick  _ wants you... _ He wants you here.” A pitiful and tortured smile appeared on her thin lips and long face. She looked as if she had all the wisdom in the world as her words became registered by Shane.

“Wants me?” Shane retorted, taking an involuntary step back. His chest getting tight. 

_ ‘She couldn't know- she can't know.’ _

“Yes, I know. I know about you two.” Lori let out a heavy breath. Her shoulders falling in something in between utter defeat and just drowsiness in general. She kept her fiery gaze on Shane as she watched his mouth fall open as if he were to speak, and yet no sound came out, he closed his mouth again, and then it fell right open a second later.

“How? You saw us?” Shane questioned his voice coming out in a low grumble, his eyes wide as he averted his gaze, shame washing over him, and as Lori nodded silently it left a bad taste on his tongue, sly fingers ran through Carl's hair as she let out a heavy exhale.

“I'm happy to see you go. I am and I don't feel bad about it- I should've let you go the first time you wanted to leave, so yeah...I’m glad but- but Rick won't be.” Lori grimaced. “But you not telling him will make it worse.” She muttered as she watched Shane bite at his cheek and nod, his intense eyes gazing off into the distance. Still not looking at her. He didn't respond so she continued- “You think you can make it through winter alone?” She added as she arched a dark eyebrow.

“I don't plan on it.” Shane ducked his head, his eyes falling to his feet. “I know I won’t.” The words tumbled out of his mouth easily. It felt nice almost to say it aloud. To say the truth.

“You want to die Shane?”

“Yes.”

Shane finally met her gaze. “But I won’t kill myself, that’s below me, Lori. That's below me as a man. I can't do something like that. I’ll die because I can't keep going anymore or I get killed. Only two outcomes. And I’m fine with both.” He ran a hand across his jaw, rubbing at his stubble before descending along the stairs.

“Ricks gonna look for you.” Lori squeaked out as Shane kept walking, eyes set forward, body rigid and tense. 

“He can try- he won’t find a goddamn thing,” Shane called out to Lori before spitting on the ground. His boots stomped against the hard dirt. It was cold now, real cold as he picked up his pace. His entire body buzzed in a torturous agony, it was deep in his chest as he walked further and further away until the farm was out of his sight. He couldn't go back now, he would never go back. And the pain was unbearable. The pain of knowing how he lied to Rick- that he just gave a smile and promised that he would stay, that he loved him. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rick’s eyes opened slowly, the sunlight feeding through the window bothered him, he turned his head. A small grunt falling out of his lips as he shifted his position entirely. He still couldn't walk properly. If he tried his stitches could open so he’d been confined to the bed for a while now. But he was grateful even if he hated how he was unable to do anything without help. He was happy Shane had helped him.

Speaking of Shane, where was he? He’d usually be the one to carry in Rick's breakfast and sit with him until he had finished and then went off to do patrol. But as Rick checked his watch he saw it was 12 in the afternoon, usually, Shane had him up earlier. 

Rick furrowed his brows, shimming his body to a sitting position, reaching for the crutches that they had found for him on a run yesterday.

He hoisted himself up, groaning slightly but he was determined- so he made his way toward the living room. His eyebrows furrowed as he saw everyone huddled in the living room.

  
“How are we gonna tell Rick?”

“He's gonna- he is going to be so angry…”

“Shuddup- he’s here.” A low voice snapped. It was Daryl and he...he seemed  _ upset _ , and then everyone proceeded to look at him. Heads whipping in his direction. Everyone staring at him, concern plain on his people's faces.

Daryl, Carol, T-dog, Maggie, Andrea, Lori, Dale...even Carl. But there was one face Rick was searching around the room for, yet he couldn't find it.

The one face he kept dreaming of, the one face he couldn't get out of his head. It wasn't there.  _ He _ wasn't there.  _ Shane _ wasn't there. So Rick wasted no time, somewhere low in his gut he knew the answer to the question that left his lips.

“Where is Shane?” Rick tried not to let his voice come out pathetic sounding, he was satisfied when it came out cold and hard. No emotion, just emptiness. But he knew that this monotone version of himself wouldn't last. Not if the answer he was hoping would be true, turned out to be false. 

“Why don't you sit- please, sit.” Beth stood up offering up her seat which was facing the rest of the group. Rick was reluctant, his throat felt tight and strained. But he did so, Beth helping him lower himself then she took a seat across from him. 

It was silent, everyone staring at Rick, wondering who would break the news. But Rick didn't need any words of confirmation. His head hung for a moment, wishing everyone could stop looking at him, he knew what Shane meant when he told Rick about his freakout in the living room, how everyone was staring, he knew how it felt, and it didn't feel good. No, not at all. 

“He's gone, isn't he? He left.” Rick's voice cracked, he looked up now. Eyebrows furrowed. His entire body sore, he wished he could lean into Shane now, to hold him close and press their lips together once more for an intimate kiss.

He looked to Lori, she nodded. “Yeah, last night he-” She took in a deep exhale. “He left, no note, nothing,”

“You watched him go?”

“Well, yeah. I was with Carl outside, Carl was asleep and Shane walked out with his bag packed up. Told me he wasn't needed here, that you didn't need him.” Her words were like venom. Sharp and packed with something way too similar to relief and delight.

“You-your telling me, you  _ let _ him go, you could've stopped him but you let him go? Off on his own, by himself with god knows how many walkers out there? There have been too many damn times where he almost got himself killed! And you-you let him go!” Rick raised his voice, everything in his weak body tensing. 

Lori’s eyes were wide, she had a knowing look, her eyebrows arched angrily. “He was dangerous anyway  _ Rick _ -” She bit his name out, hissing like a snake. She was angry, oh yes. Of course, she was, because she knew, she knew all about the trip to the hotel, of course, she did because she heard Rick teasing about it nights before, whispering to Shane how once he’s healed he can't wait to be on his knees again, to take him again, all needy and whimpering for Shane to have him.

She knew, and with that look, Rick understood that she did. And he couldn't keep his eyes on her not now, Not with those angry eyes that said it all.

“I'm happy to see him go- the sooner that you understand he was a danger to the group, the easier this will be.” Lori’s tone was still fierce, she was holding a wet-eyed Carl beside her, he too was heartbroken over Shanes unexpected leave.

“No- Nah….Nah Lori Imma find him.” He shook his head. Frowning in disbelief. “I'm going to find him.”

“You’re in no condition to go out-you can't do anything by yourself right now Rick, you need to rest.” Herschel pipped in, his tone pitiful and it angered Rick even more.

“I'm going- I'm going.” Those were the only words Rick could pull out right now, anything else and he knew he would become a blubbering mess, he was at the edge. So He took his crutches and stood up, Beth immediately went to get him, but he held up a hand and gave her a look of warning.    
  


“ _Don't_ -” He made his way out of the living room silently, no one going to stop him because in reality, they all knew if they went to stop him, he would become more stressed, angrier which could lead to his wound opening somehow.

He went back to his room, getting dressed in flannel and a thick jacket, he slipped on jeans. Slowly put on his boots, he didn't even zip his jacket up, nor did he properly button his shirt. But off he went. Grabbing the car keys and slowly making his way to the car on his crutches. Sweat building up on his forehead despite the cold. 

As he went to open the car door he felt a pull on his hand. He looked down, Carl his boy was looking up at him with big eyes. 

“Do you think he's dead?” Carl’s voice wavered, tears were forming in his eyes and Rick's heart broke immediately. 

“No, No Shane- Shane is strong, you know that.” Rick’s grabbed at Carl's hand with the little strength he had and squeezed.

“I'm going to find him, I promise you, Carl.” 

Carl nodded at the sweet little lie, believing it with all his heart.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH WOW- sorry this took so long to write- it was 19 pages sooo- yeah this was long, BUT UH I know- i know there's a lot of angst but it will get better soon!! Hope you enjoyed- plz comment, I love seeing yall's thoughts <3


	7. Another Day, Another Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane is on his own, successfully departing from Rick and the group. But he isn't alone for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY- so this was like 18 pages of PAIN so yeah, your welcome. So anyway Trigger and content warning!!-talk of self-harm, passages describing self-arm!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

He broke the promise, of course, he did, of course, Rick couldn't keep it. As much as he wanted to -he couldn't do it, no matter how long Rick tried to search for him. 

Rick went searching for Shane in multiple towns while being all crippled in the winter air by himself, hours passed by and Rick would still be out there, but still nothing. He would be gone for entire days, finally, come back, sleep then repeat. And yet, he couldn't find Shane and he never did find him, at least not in time. Before Rick could find Shane, Hershel's farm was abandoned. Overrun with Walkers suddenly, and it was all too late.

It had been a year since he had run away, so much time passed.  _ So much _ had happened. 

Rick was distant from Lori throughout their winter in the wilderness, even when they found the prison Rick was still so cold to her. He was unbelievably heartbroken over the fact she let him leave, over the fact if she woke Rick up that night maybe Rick could have convinced Shane he needed him, that he wasn't an outsider, that he wasn't dangerous. 

But no, Shane was gone. And Rick blamed it on Lori, and yet Rick knew he was wrong in it, he was wrong to blame it on Lori but he couldn't help it, he couldn’t help the fact at times he could barely look at her or utter a word without the thought of Shane swimming its way back into his head. And all Rick wanted a distraction from his failures as a man, a husband, and a father. 

It was only until Judith was finally born and the inevitable event of Lori’s death occurred. Rick was full of guilt when she died, he remembered it so clearly, all old emotions coming back to him, everything he’d felt for her over the years, all the small moments, the big moments too, hen he first met her, first kiss, when he purposed, when Carl was born,  _ all of it _ came rushing back so suddenly, and Carl was standing there, Ricks hat low on his tear-stained face, and Rick knew that he was the one to put her down, and that broke Rick even more. When he found out he couldn't even walk, Rick took maybe two or three steps before he was helpless on the floor, sobbing and crying out. He was terrible to her and he knew it too, not speaking with her because of what had happened with Shane, not even sleeping beside her on their last few days.

He was cruel and his guilt ate at him, he even began having hallucinations of Lori, he missed her, he loved her- he wouldn't lie, but Rick got better with time. And as he got better, everything grew, he slowly began forgetting about Shane. Slowly letting it all go, slowly becoming happy once more, well as happy as you could be in the apocalypse. Then finally the prison with all those nice folks, with all of Rick's people-was destroyed and broken down by the Governor and Herschel was dead, the Governor was dead, so many more people dead, on both sides and there was too much blood and all of them, everyone Rick cared for got split up. 

Rick was broken now. He didn't know what was happening anymore, he’d found Michonne and Carl was with him but- he was so empty. Judith, well she was gone too, Rick and Carl believed she’d been eaten, but of course, there was still that small sliver of hope in Rick that maybe, just maybe she got out and was safe with someone responsible. With a friend.

Carl had grown so much, he was tall, brave, his hair was getting longer now too. And Rick on the other hand felt so old, though he wasn't, it had only been a year and change- but Rick was always dirty, face caked in sweat and dirt, his beard was getting longer (though he refused a shave) and so was his curly hair. He seemed to always be sweating, seemed to always be waist-deep in paranoia. Especially at night when he and Micchonne took shifts. When he would sit there under the stars alone, everyone asleep and he would trace the huge textured scar over his abdomen with his finger. Memories he kept in the back of his mind began to seep in. As much as he tried to keep it all in, Rick couldn't. After this tragedy, Rick was back to his old self, pitiful and broken. And everything flooded back to him.

All those burning memories.

Rick was thinking of before, he cursed at himself for all the intrusive thoughts, all those little things that would get Rick’s stomach-churning and heart racing, shit...he was thinking of Shane again.

He thought he let it go but late at night here he was, now rough fingers making their way along the ugly scar and thinking of the way he would kiss the bridge of Shane’s nose when they’d say goodnight when Rick was healing for those few weeks-he would think of the way Shane made sweet promises that he would turn out to not be able to keep. The soft way Shane would tell him “I love you.” and how with no hesitation Rick would say it back. Rick would think of the way he always could make him laugh even when he was anxious, and the countless times his wound had been reopened that winter all because of a promise he wasn't able to keep for Carl or himself. He would think of how he failed...how he failed Shane. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somehow Shane survived the winter completely alone. He adapted quickly to being alone, he always adapted when sudden changes happened. He always knew what to do in dire situations. He wasn’t a stranger to them, he used to be a cop after all. 

But it was lonely, and Shane’s guilt ate at him. He left Rick, he left Carl. Lori too, even if Shane wasn’t so friendly with her, she was still pregnant with his child who he would never meet. And Oh god how that killed Shane, slowly he was being eaten by all these thoughts. As more time passed he couldn't deal very well with it. Intrusive thoughts crawled into his mind, always begging for him to end it. No, it wasn’t hard for Shanes to survive out there, but it was hard to live with himself, and with what he’d done, what he had caused. 

“A year...a year and 6 months,” Shane mumbled to himself. Crossing off a date on a calendar he had found. He knew he was pretty accurate, he did the math to distract himself from whatever suicidal thoughts lurked in his head. Scrambling and screaming.

He leaned against the wall. He had found a nice suburban area, he was somewhere close to Washington he assumed, there wasn't anything special in Washington, no not at all but as long as he wasn’t in Georgia he was fine, Georgia was too close, too close to Rick.

But Shane had found some railroad tracks to a community supposedly, called “Terminus”. Though of course, Shane didn’t trust it, he couldn't, plus it’s not like he wanted to be around other people. Because Shane was a natural loner, he was good at it, being his own company, though he had a dog for a while, a grey pitbull. She was good, sweet, but strong and helpful. 

Eventually, though she had gotten eaten by walkers, at a point where Shane was so fatigued he couldn't get there in time, but once he did all those walkers’ heads were smashed into a bloody pulp. Shane buried her, he was just starting to get attached to her, to Dee. He named her, finally and not two weeks later he was burying her, not knowing what to feel, all he knew is he felt like he couldn't keep her safe, so if he was in a group he would fail at keeping others safe just as bad as he failed with Dee. 

So he found a house nearby and made it livable, there was a mattress. Some cans of food, even firewood. So Shane stayed but he didn’t call it home, he didn’t have a home anymore. He never would. Not even if Rick found him again.

Shane stood up now with a grunt, his bruised body ached. But he still did what he needed to do. He’s already killed multiple people, not out of blood lust, not out of enjoyment, he did it just because he knew he had to. He was a man, he was alone and he was twisted. It was clear to Shane-it had been since civilization fell that when you’re being threatened you take out the threat, whether it is a walker or a human just like him.

Shane walked over to the bathroom. For what reason? Well, none. It’s not like he had any working water so he couldn't take a shower or rinse his dirty hands or face. But he enjoyed staring into the mirror. To see how much he’d changed over the year he’d been apart from the group. He wondered how Rick had changed, wondered if they were all still thriving on the farm if Lori gave birth and they named the child. He wondered if Carl had hit his growth spurt yet. He thought about all the things he was missing because Shane knew that they had to be alive. No part of him doubted Rick was out there still, he knew Carl was out there too. Lori- well Shane doubted her survival, after all, she was pregnant, and they didn't have all the technology they used to possess. 

But Shane hoped and prayed they were all ok. 

He stared at himself, his hair was long again, “styled” upwards and his forehead slick with sweat. He had a beard now, full and dark. It covered the scar he had gotten a while back on his lip, one that matched perfectly with the new scar over his right eyebrow, creating a small rift in between his eyebrow hair, these two scars were collected in a fight with a group of four. Three men and one woman. They had knives and machetes. And Shane had one gun with 1 bullet and his fists. 

The outcome was four dead humans. 

But Shane was left bloodied up. Badly too. And his top lip all up to the space between his nose and upper lip was split up the middle. His cheeks were bruised, he had a black right eye, a split eyebrow and he was pretty sure he had fractured a rib. But Shane healed eventually, the fight left him with two small scars-nothing too severe, his facial hair could still partially grow over his lips scar, his eyebrow not at all. But both scars were only slits, smaller than he had expected them to be.

But he still would study his new scars, stare at them until his eyes would begin to water because he wouldn’t blink, but for now, he was just looking at himself as a whole person, at the way his cheeks which were bruised colored a soft reddish tone with a purple hue, he enjoyed how his face was still caked in dirt and his once-vibrant cornflower blue button-up was dull now. He studied the way it hung open over his white tank top that was stained with dirt. He exhaled heavily. Putting a hand to his hip and running a free hand through his hair. It was all puffy, even curlier because of the heat. 

It was finally getting hot outside, the sun wouldn't set until a little after seven but Shane knew he had time before it became scorching outside, So it’s what was expected near the south which he hadn't gotten away from. But he could care less about the weather. 

He reached up without thinking, his fingers rubbing against the cold metal of his necklace. That gold twenty-two that was always hanging around his neck, that he always touched for comfort nowadays, so many memories tied to it.

He closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. He remembered highschool- it almost felt muffled as if the memory was so deep and far away. But he pulled it up to the surface, remembering the football team, how much he loved it, how much Rick loved watching him at games, and how after Shane’s first game when he scored a touchdown Rick had gotten him the necklace, the number twenty-two, Shane’s jersey number. 

Shane could almost feel it now still, the way Rick gave him such a big bear hug and ruffled his hair. He could almost smell Rick’s cologne still. And just as soon as the memory came, it fell out of his grasp again and his eyes were open and wide.

His hands fell from the necklace. He turned his head toward his duffle bag, he decided it was time to wash up. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a river nearby, Shane had found it a month ago and made sure there were no walkers in there, it wasn’t deep enough anyway for walkers to get stuck, it went up to Shane’s pelvis. But Shane would usually crouch down so it went up to his chest and to just relax.

So Shane made his way to the small river, well more like a creek. Nevertheless, he set his things down and slowly undressed, making sure no walkers or people were nearby, first he kicked off his boots, peeled off his socks, stuffing them into his boots. Then he hung his cornflower blue over-shirt on the makeshift clotheslines he tied from tree to tree. Then off went his tank top, then the belt, pants, and briefs. Oh, and of course his gun, he set it beside him on the rocks. 

But as he set down the gun he stopped, he was bent down and his arm was faced upwards. He saw his reminder-a reminder of how broken he was, how he was desperate to feel again, he saw his scars. Thick lines across his wrist. How those scars slowly multiplied down his forearm. 

  
A pang of guilt hit Shane. He remembered those sleepless first nights when he had left. Too much emotion that was mostly guilt overflowed Shane’s senses. He was falling apart at the seams. So that's when he took a knife, desperate to feel something other than an overwhelming sense of guilt. Desperate to feel something other than his heart breaking because he’d lost Rick, and it was all his fault. 

So he put his knife to his skin, to his wrist. It was a release for Shane, yet afterward, he was laying on the ground, numb and dirty. 

Crying with no sound as he lay on the tile of the abandoned Bernthal Hotel. That was his first stop after leaving. 

But as much as Shane tried to forget -those memories were always there and the pain attached to them, the evidence was on his arm. But he recently stopped, tried to get over it, Tried to focus on living. 

He shivered slightly as he turned his arm back down. He hated the sight of his scars, he hated how  _ ugly _ they looked and felt. So he stood back up, feeling unnatural in this naked state, it was so unnatural how shoulders and torso were bare and how his cock was free and soft against his thigh-the change in temperature on his naked body made him shiver but he enjoyed the way the sun hit his bruised back and shoulders. It felt nice, warm. So he closed his eyes momentarily, raising his arms and stretching, a few vertebrates in his spine popping, and he let out a soft groan, tilting his neck to the side before shivering once more.

Finally, he made his way into the water. Until the water was up to his pelvis, covering his thighs and partially covering his flaccid groin. Shane slowly began to crouch with a heavy exhale, his necklace floating above the water as his shoulders began sinking in the water.

The water wasn’t cold, thankfully, since the sun was directly on it, so it was rather lukewarm.

Shane hummed, his ears picking up on small sounds, the leaves on the trees rustling as the wind passed by, or the happy song of the birds sitting on branches...or the footsteps behind him….

“Well, god-damn! You’re a sight for sore eyes aren’t ya!” A gruff voice with a southern type accent laughed behind him, exclaiming with humor. 

Shane tensed immediately- reaching for his gun from the rocks and swiftly turning his body with no hesitation at all, Pointing and cocking the gun at the tall, long-legged man who was clad in a leather jacket that stood there. Shane was standing upright, thankfully the water still covered his penis.

But still, he felt himself warming up at the pair of eyes on his naked body-especially when those eyes dragged up and down and a teasing whistle emerged from the man’s lips. Then a face-splitting grin appeared-half lidded hazel eyes stuck to Shane’s wet sculpted body that glistened ever so slightly in the sun. 

Shane was silent, his eyebrows furrowed deeply as he studied the other man before him. his hair was a deep black, slicked back not one strand out of place. He wore a black leather jacket, a red scarf underneath. His beard was short, salt, and peppered as it framed his face. The man was tall, and he was relaxed, he had one black glove on, the other ungloved hand with a bandage around his wrist held a bat- slung over his shoulder casually, it was covered in barbed wire, the barbed wire seemed colored odd until Shane realized it was stained with blood. 

The man kept his grin, dimples very prominent through his short beard, except now he was moving around. Strolling along making his way towards the clothesline in the tense silence. “These yours?” he raised his bat pushing it against the pants that hung there experimentally. He leaned back only slightly to catch a glimpse of Shane’s face. Which was tinged red at his cheeks, but his expression was cold and hard.

“Don't move-put the bat down,” Shane grunted out. His brows furrowing deeply as his shoulders tensed. Shane didn't expect the leather-clad stranger to listen, but he did.

Slowly the man put the bat down against a tree. Putting his hands up albeit he still that same toothy grin was on his face.

“Ya know out of the both of us here, I wouldn't expect the naked guy to be makin’ the threats, shit, I mean- you are in a pretty compromising position.” The man let out a chuckle as he waggled his eyebrows, hazel eyes darting back and forth across the body in front of him once more. 

“I'm the one with the gun,” Shane growled, A part of him was tempted to shoot. To see blood and fear. He didn't know why necessarily but he shook away the intrusive thoughts. He knew he needed his head to be completely clear because as much as Shane didn't want to admit it, the stranger  _ was _ right. He was in a compromising position. 

So, Shane slowly made his way out of the water, not caring about the fact he was completely naked, he made his way to the clothesline, still keeping the gun aimed perfectly at the stranger’s forehead.

“Woah Shit!! If you were gonna do that-” The man gestured to Shane in his nakedness. “You could have warned me, but honestly I don't mind it that much.” The man grinned a slight bit of tongue poking out from between his teeth. 

Shane kept his eyes on the man, reaching for the bat and throwing it farther away- a little ways behind him, it landed with a thump.

“Hey!-Be careful with her-” 

“Shut up.” Shane interrupted the stranger’s protests, no emotion on his face as he grabbed at his clothing from the clothesline. “Make one move, I'll shoot you where you stand,” Shane warned in a low voice and saw the man frown...his eyes stuck to one place all of a sudden, the stranger’s eyes were glued to Shane’s arm, to all the scars Shane harbored, they were prominent, hard to hide and Shane’s chest tightened ever so slightly at the man's frown deepened but soon those hazel eyes shot right back up at Shane, the man knew he’d been caught staring but he nodded, he tried to mask the suddenly concerned look with another grin and witty comment. 

“Oh, go right a-fucking-head!... Promise I won't move-I’ll stay right here, eyes on you and only you.” The hazel eyes of the stranger dropped a wink, acting carefree, but Shane could see right through it and Shane couldn't help but scoff but his face went hot at the comment, he wasn't used to this-having eyes on him again, especially when he was so vulnerable, just being watched was getting Shane squirming- But he grabbed for his briefs and slid them on- a bit of a challenge considering he was one-handed- his other hand pointing the gun at the man. But it was easier as Shane slid on his pants and eventually his shirt. 

Shane didn't bother putting on his belt or shoes. Instead, he moved closer.

“Who are you?” He pushed the gun closer to the man's chest and saw him flinch away from it, the man's hands still raised as he let out a dry chuckle, his eyes on the gun before lazily drawing back up to Shane’s face. It was almost charming. 

“Relax-I'm not a bad guy, but shit-then again I ain’t really a good guy either.” The man shrugged. Still, a dangerous smile played on his lips.

“But I’ve been watching you for some time. Some of my men have been too.” The man grinned as his hands slowly began to lower, one gloved hand daringly pushing at the gun’s barrel- he pushed it away from himself, and Shane was surprised when his reflexes didn't immediately shoot the stranger, he expected himself to kill the man, no questions asked but here he was hesitating.

“I -am Negan-” He introduced dramatically, even a hand going to his chest to gesture towards himself and eyes widening slightly, his face splitting into a wide grin. 

“And I am a leader of a pretty big fucking community- The saviors.” He reached forward casually, his hand going to the necklace around Shane’s throat, he held the gold twenty-two in between his thumb and pointer, studying it as he continued.

“And you-well shit, you are a survivor-” He leaned back slightly chuckling. “Been out here by yourself god knows how fucking long and look at you, lavishly taking baths in the creek, living in a pretty nice fucking place, got plenty supplies too. Shit, you are strong- and actually-” Negan finally released the grip he had on the necklace stepping back.

“And I was wondering if you would like to join us.” He said rather politely, a charming smirk on his face. “Join the saviors, we're always looking for new recruits, more fighters like yourself.” Negan and his boyish charm began rubbing off on Shane and it almost frightened him.

The fact that Shane hadn't taken a shot, had not thrown a punch or retorted, and made an angry comment was out of character for him, he just stood there in something similar to bewilderment, he usually was hot-headed, outspoken. But something changed as Negan slowly started unraveling his reasoning for being here. 

“You're not serious. It ain’t that fucking easy.” Shane spoke, not necessarily retorting, just more like saying the truth, because as he evaluated Negan's offer, it did seem too good to be true. And now Shane wasn't aiming anymore instead he went for his shoes and belt. Slowly putting them on, every few moments looking up at Negan.

“Actually it is- and shit, we have a shit ton of food too, we got beds, clothes, we even have running water. We have a system too, you get jobs, you work hard and get shit in return.” Negan leaned against a tree, still not making way for his bat that still laid on the wet rocks.

“So another version of the old world huh? I don't get it- there's no point, the old world is dead, been dead for a while.” Shane scoffed as he tied the black laces of his combat boots. “I think people need to accept the world is gone.” Shane stood now, putting his hand to his hips and scratching at his beard. 

Negan chuckled at Shane. It was a dry sounding thing but his eyes crinkled at the corners as he did so, his seemingly permanent grin widening once more. 

“People are a necessity, and I want them. So, I want  _ you _ . Shit, it really is that easy, I don't care what the fuck you’ve done to survive, don't care if you killed one person or ten. I just need people and you, well you are a fucking person, a  _ strong _ person. And I know you can be helpful, my men have seen you out there hunting, So, c’mon you’ll fit right in. I know you will.” Negan pointed a finger as if he was trying to sell something to Shane.

Shane just glared at him. “You don't know the first thing about me. Hell, you don't even know my name.” Shane hissed at Negan, anger welling up inside him, he could feel old fears bubbling up as he stared at the man. He hadn't been near more than one person for more than a day in the past year. And now this man he’d just met was offering him a home...and Shane couldn't tell if it was tempting or frightening. 

“Then tell me, tell me about yourself, shit, tell me your name, if it matters to you that fucking much, I mean, shit, I already saw your dick, what more do I need to know?” Negan bounced on his heels lightly, his head slightly falling back as he let out a sharp laugh. 

After a moment of stubborn silence, Shane let out an aggravated sigh. He rubbed at his eyes for a second before inhaling. “My name's Shane-Shane Walsh.” He looked up at Negan. His eyes were intense, and Negan stared at him for a moment. Taking it in, that intense glare that he would come to enjoy the hell out of. 

“Well, nice to fucking meet ya, Shane.” 

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Negan was surprised when Shane said no. 

Shane was just as surprised at himself when he heard the refusal fall from his lips. He was even more surprised when Negan shrugged and said: “Well then, guess I’ll be taking all of your shit.” 

Though Negan wasn't surprised when Shane threw a punch to his nose, he wasn't surprised once he tasted blood. Or when Shane charged at him and tackled him down to the ground- arms around his midsection as Negan scrambled for his barbed-wire bat, but of course Shane was quicker, pining Negan down and adding a knee to his chest before Shane straddled the older man, throwing brutal punches down at his face, but Negan flipped them suddenly, headbutting Shane before reaching for his bat.

“You have no fucking idea who you just crossed!” Negan growled out, a wave of sudden anger arose that contrasted to his gleeful self beforehand as he began to raise the bat over Shane's face but Shane was quick. He reached up grabbing the barbed wire end of the baseball bat, screaming as the sharp needles dug into the rough skin of his palms, he pulled forward at it, whether it was the whole surprised reaction at seeing Shane grab barbed wire or not, Negans grip faltered and the bat was thrown into the river along the rocks with a loud splash. 

Shane kicked Negan off his body, standing up but Negan was up just as fast, throwing punches, Shane dodged a few but not all of them, resulting in a bloody nose just like the one Negan was sporting. 

They scuffled for a few minutes- Negan had a gun in his back pocket he eventually drew out as the two of them got deeper into the woods and as Negan and Shane did so the scuffle turned into shooting aimlessly at one another, ducking behind trees through the forest. As a few missed shots went off.

“I suggest we fucking stop this shit!-'' Another shot from Shane went off, knicking the bark of the tree Negan was standing behind. “Shit! Je-sus- Those dead fuckin pricks are gonna hear us!” Negan yelled out once more before fumbling with his radio he had on his belt, raising it to his lips and whispering into it.

“Simon! Get the fucking backup- the prick didn’t wanna join so- as ya’ll probably hear this motherfucker started shooting, get me back up straight a-fucking way!” He whispers though his tone was just as frantic as if he were yelling, adrenaline running high through his veins as the radio crackled.

“Back up coming in right now boss-” Simon responded.

Within minutes Shane was grabbed from behind. At Least six other men with guns surrounded him and then someone raised the butt of their gun, hitting Shane across the head with a dull thud- it felt like his feet were no longer on the ground, he was falling...and as Shane hit the dirt he caught a glimpse of Negan emerging from behind the tree, that same grin as he heard muffled laughter until his vision slowly blurred, another hit to the head and everything went black. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

They’d been doing nothing but surviving, the entirety of their days spent scavenging and killing the dead. 

Michonne and Rick had agreed to stay in the abandoned neighborhood they had been staying in for only a few more days, after what happened with that gang that broke into the house Rick and Carl were staying in they weren't too keen on staying at one place for too long, but Rick had hope for the rest of his people, maybe the others would find everyone and be able to make a new home, though Rick was concerned if they regrouped they would kick him out as a leader and he would lose his leverage. He didn't want that, because after what happened with the governor and at the prison he wouldn't be surprised if they refused him as the leader but he tried to push that down, he tried to think of the good things, he even thought that maybe by some god-given miracle he would find Shane...the entire scenario was clear in his mind.

Michonne, Carl, and himself would regroup with old friends, his old friends would have found new people. And of course, Rick welcomes them, he's skeptical at first of course but he's not rude. So he wants to see everyone, all the new and old. Say hello to each person because he loves people, and that's the most important thing right now: people. 

And as Rick is learning new group member’s names he turns around and sees Shane. Standing there, hair long again, a big ol’ grin that was so familiar. And he would say Rick’s name, with something close to uncertainty, but still, his eyes would crinkle in the way that they would when he would be so full of joy.

But Rick pulled himself out of the daydream. It was a stupid thought.  __ Something so unlikely to happen, Rick, was surprised he entertained that idea. Rick _ knew _ Shane. He knew exactly why Shane left, Shane felt as if he didn't belong, he felt like an outsider in the group, he didn't like so many people with judging eyes, Shane disliked groups in general, so why would he leave one group for another? The thing is Shane wouldn't. And Rick knew that he was fully aware as much as Shane could be charismatic and a sweet talker, he genuinely didn't enjoy large groups of people. Even in the old world, he didn't. 

Before Rick could recall Shane either enjoyed his own company while at work in a patrol car, or at the gym working out or he would be with Rick, chatting away at meaningless things, and of course, flirting with girls to get a one night stand but still-Shane would get claustrophobic in tight knitted groups, so Shane joining a community wasn't likely whatsoever. 

Rick knew Shane had run far, every single place Rick had checked over the winter came up empty, usually, all he would find were walkers or dirty old supplies. He even remembered when he thought he would possibly find Shane at Woodbury, Rick thought he even saw him when they were shooting at each other saving their people. 

Rick could remember it so clearly, seeing what he thought to be Shane walking out from all that foggy gas, huge gun, big beard, determined look in his eyes, and somehow more mature than when he last saw him, his hair had finally gone back to its original length, even longer. 

And Rick remembered how his heart felt like it had stopped. He was crouched on the ground, and there he was, cocking his gun, walking toward him and raising it, aiming-then firing at one of his people 

Rick wasted no time shooting him down, but somehow he also couldn't help but rush over to what he thought was Shane, a part of him that was so scared he had killed Shane, that right when he got him back he lost him again. But no, it was just another stranger that was trying to kill Rick and his people. A sigh of relief fell from Rick’s lips before he was pulled into battle mode again, leaving the dead man. 

Yet Rick would never forget that the feeling of thinking Shane was dead by his hands. Even if most of that feeling was panic, some of it was a slight relief, relief that he had closure, knowing Shane didn't die by getting ripped to shreds by the dead or shoot himself in the head...or even come across a bad bunch of people and get killed brutally.

Out of everything that's the most painful part of it all. Rick didn't know what happened to Shane, he could never know if he was okay. 

But Rick had given up on finding Shane a long time ago. Once the prison became a community Rick had begun to move on, of course, he would think about him- obsessively when he needed comfort, like most nights. But Rick gave up on finding Shane, he let it go, though he wouldn’t let go of the memories. He couldn't, Rick prayed and hoped he wouldn’t forget Shane’s voice, his smell, his laugh. He couldn't do that, he was afraid he would though because nowadays all of those memories became foggy for Rick. And as much as Rick promised himself these things well... He  _ was  _ forgetting…

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane woke up in the dark. His body shivering and dressed in his jeans and tank top. No shoes, no socks nor his overshirt that bore so many memories from before... The harsh feel of the cement floor scratched against his muscles and bare arms with small groggy movements, his hand reaching up to the cold wall, the texture of said wall matched the floor. Cement, hard and rough. 

Shane sat up slowly, one hand against the wall for leverage. Shane inhaled deeply, blinking his eyes, trying to adjust to the dank darkness but still, as much as he blinked and looked around all he saw was more jet black space. Though there was a slit at the bottom of the room that had a light source from what he presumed to be the bottom of the door. 

“Shit, fucking shit….that bastard.” Shane muttered to himself grimly. He chewed at his bottom lip. He knew he wasn’t getting out easily. So he backed himself up, slowly moving back in the darkness till his back hit the wall, it pricked into him lightly as he pulled his legs to his chest slowly. He rubbed his hand against the back of his head. His fingers running over a bump from where he was knocked out earlier. 

He chuckled at it, digging the tips of his fingers into it, hissing at the pain that raced through his head, but he enjoyed it, the familiarity gave him comfort, Shane couldn't go too long without pain because soon he began to miss it. He wasn’t complaining about the pounding in his head. The only thing Shane was complaining about was the fact that he was trapped and he had no idea where he was...well not really...he had  _ some _ idea of where he could be. 

Shane presumed he was at Negan's base, the man who had been watching him for the past few weeks, Negan and his community. The Saviors. God, how much Shane hated it already, though he was genuinely confused. Why in the hell was he alive right now?

Shane shivered, the room smelled of wet mold, or something similar, but either way, he hated it. He hated everything about it, he hated how they took some of his clothing, and probably the rest of his supplies at his place. He hated how his wrists felt raw from probably being tied up earlier when unconscious and the sting of the deep but small punctures on his palms from the bat. He also hated the way he could hear muffled footsteps outside of the door, pacing back and forth. 

But Shane knew it was useless to bang on the door or scream if anything that would leave him no time to form a plan, no time to calm down, it would draw more attention to him and probably get him in trouble, and yes Shane knew damn well he had a knack for getting into all types of trouble. But no, this was the apocalypse no second chances, you make a mistake and there is no one to bail you out. 

So Shane waited in the dank room, leaving his eyes closed, his head hanging as he kept thinking of any way to get out of this, someone would eventually visit, either Negan or one of his men. Or maybe they are letting him rot in here. And if they are Shane would probably have to scream until the person waiting on the other side would open up the door. But if not, and someone opened the door to feed him or whatever they planned on doing, Shane would attack, he did that best. He would make a run for it. That was the best thing he could do. 

So he kept waiting until he heard more footsteps and now voices.

“Is he awake yet?” A low muffled voice muttered. Shane lifted his head slightly, eyes opening a smidge. He rubbed at the back of his head again. 

“I don't know sir-”

“Why the fuck don't you know, you didn’t think to check?” The muffled voice sounded dangerous, but it was a leader’s voice. Someone in charge, someone on the top. 

Negan, it was Negan's voice, and as Shane listened closer he could tell it was him even more, he heard the slight southern twang, the way he paused for dramatic effect, 

_ ‘how fuckin stupid that is’ _ Shane thought to himself. But yes, Negan has a distinct way of talking, it rubs off on you, certain phrases, the certain way he lifts his voice. 

“Ok well shit- I guess imma have to go in there then. With that fuckin savage. Ya think I’m kidding but Nah, he grabbed Lucille, right on her barbed fuckin wire. Who the fuck does that? I’ll tell you. A badass but also a fuckin savage.” 

Shane chewed at his lip impatiently. He wouldn’t be able to strike, Negan had the protection, of course, he did. After all, he knew what he was dealing with- a savage, That was exactly what Shane was, a badass not so much, just a survivor -just a man who knows what he has to do to live.

“Well open it up then, I wanna talk to him.” The voice whom Shane presumed was Negan commanded. A harsh bang on the door could be heard and Shane flinched at it. Then a loud creak was heard and soon bright light fed in through the opening that kept expanding in front of Shane. It burned his eyes, so he shut them completely, ducking his head, his shoulders tensing upward.

“Wow- look at that, fucker’s finally awake. Maybe he’s calmed down too. Huh? You calm down yet?” A mocking voice chuckled at him, Shane tried to blink away the temporary blindness he was suffering from. 

“Fuck...you…” Shane mumbled as he got his left eye-opening, squinting at the silhouette of the man known as Negan. 

“Oo! You’re a feisty one! I like that, hell I  _ love _ that...It’s Shane right?” Shane could practically hear the smile in his voice. Shane got two squinty eyes open now, seeing the outline of the bat hung over Negan’s shoulder. 

But still, Negan still looked like a silhouette, all the light pooling around him, blocking out his features. “I asked you a question.” The playful tone in Negans voice going cold and deep.

It got Shane’s attention, so he tilted his head upwards, taking in the sight of the man.

“Yes. It’s Shane.” Shane spat out, clenching his jaw and furrowing his eyebrows deeply. 

“Good! Now look at that, we are making some serious progress ain’t we? Damn, it just makes me giddy!” He bounced on the back of his heels, leaning back, that smiley tone back in his voice. Shane let his head

“Well, _ Shane _ , stand up. We are gonna go have a chat, not in this shit hole but somewhere else.”

Negan took five slow steps closer. His boots tapping lightly against the ground. He leaned forward, towering over him.

He offered a hand to Shane. A bare hand with long fingers, stretching out forward. Shane looked up, he could finally see Negan's features now. And he felt satisfied once he saw his cheek was bruised up, colored red and purple. He couldn't help the smirk that slowly grew on his lips.

“I did that? Damn, I didn't hit you that hard.” Shane gestured to Negan's face, his eyes fully opened, drinking in the sight of the colorful mark he’d left on his cheek. Shane couldn't help but puff out his chest, pride-filled him. 

He saw the way Negan's smile faltered. Pretty much his once proud and confident smile fell to an enigmatic smile. His hazel eyes narrowing at Shane. His face falling flat.

“I suggest, you either take my fucking hand or shut the hell up.” 

“I think I can stand on my own,” Shane grumbled as he drew his face closer, straightening his posture, challenging the man in front of him. They stayed like that, staring for at least ten seconds straight before Negan scoffed. Drawing away and standing straight. 

“Get up, now,” Negan growled, swinging his bat in the air, making sure it caught Shane’s eye, and it did. So Shane, with weak legs- slowly stood, trying to straighten his body, though his head felt heavy as he did so, so Shane reached to the back of his head where he was hit, it felt wet now, and as he drew his hand back, his fingertips had fresh blood on them. 

Negan looked at the red liquid that coated Shane’s fingers. He almost looked concerned for a minute when Shane caught him looking. But Negan just cocked his eyebrow upwards. “Follow me-” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


The doctor had just finished stitching Shane’s head. Plus cleaning and wrapping his hands up. It was painful, but Shane handled it, keeping his eyes on Negan who stayed leaning against the doorframe. Fiddling with the bat. Sometimes sneaking glances at Shane. Checking to see if it was going well.

Shane couldn't help but notice during the silence that as the doctor stitched his head, well he was shaking. The doctor could barely keep his hands still. Let alone the rest of his body. He was shaking like he was scared...no, not scared, more like terrified. 

And Shane knew exactly why it was because of Negan. And Shane wouldn't be shy to bring it up after the doctor whispered something to Negan before taking his leave. 

“What-what did he tell you?” Shane demanded to know, keeping his tone stern. Crossing his arms over his chest, slightly leaning back on the hospital bed he was told to stay in.

“You gotta be watched for at least two days.” Negan huffed. “You have a concussion, a bad one. But doc is surprised at the way your body is handling it. Normally you would barely be able to walk straight. But here you are.” Negan smirked at Shane. Setting the bat down against the wall.

“Then why do I gotta be watched for? I’m fine.” Shane spoke harshly, raising his voice a tad bit as he went to stand, and Negan didn't stop him. He just watched, working an eyebrow up.

“Listen, just sit down. I wanna have a chat-” He started walking toward Shane. He kept his footsteps slow though. It was familiar the way Negan seemed to be treating Shane like a wild animal, it reminded of Rick, a slightly painful memory of the night where Shane planned on killing Rick. It was the same the way Negan stepped closer with one hand slightly outstretched. The way Negan kept his voice calm and low. Shane slowly began to realize how similar to Rick it was. And it hurt, he didn't like it whatsoever. He didn't like the way Negan dealt with him like how Rick used to deal with him. 

So Shane sat down. He felt uncertain. He felt nervous and now more self-conscious. But he crossed his arms over his chest once again, covering the scars that he hated. Mostly because Negan had spotted them. 

“Then talk,” Shane muttered deeply, his voice slightly raw as his intense eyes met Negans from halfway across the room.

“Ok well god-damn, first of fuckin all, why’da have to go all apeshit on me earlier?”

“I think the answer to that one is pretty damn clear man. You were fucking demanding me to give all my rightfully earned supplies over. What did you think I was supposed to do?! You first walk in while I’m fuckin naked, then tell me you’ve been stalking me for weeks! What the fuck did you think I was gonna do? Give it up? Give all of it up to your creepy ass-”

Negan had a smirk on his face that grew into a grin the entire time as Shane ranted. 

“What? What the hell is so damn funny?” Shane stood up all of a sudden. His voice was raised and his head was pounding. 

“God-damn, I’m like your fucking therapist or some shit, I mean look at us! We really are getting somewhere!” Negan leaned back, guffawing as he caught sight of Shane’s exasperated expression. If Shane hated one thing, it was not being taken seriously. And that's exactly what Negan was doing. 

Shane was fuming. So he just sat himself down once more, he was holding himself back from grabbing Negan by the collar and punching Negan till he was suffocating in his blood.

So Shane exhaled shakily. Pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look- I'm a stand-up guy, so I'm just gonna get right to it.” He paused as he now began to pace back and forth. “The reason I did not just bash your brains in the woods is that you-” He pointed at Shane with a big grin. “You are a badass, and you scare the shit out of me, and you would be a great addition to my main team. I want to send you on a run with a couple of my men, see how you do and then decide what to do with you. Decide whether to keep you or not. And cmon you have gotta admit it a pretty good fuckin deal!” Negan shrugged as he reached for his bat. 

“Just kill me,” Shane mumbled. His eyes were still extremely intense. He knew what he was asking for, and he knew Negan would do it. 

“The fuck you say?” Negan whipped his head to face Shane, stopping in the middle of the room. “You would rather die than work for me? Shit-I mean, god-damn. I can't even tell if that’s an insult or not.” He rubbed at his jaw. 

“I hope it is.” Shane breathed in. His eyes went dark. 

“You want to die?” Negan bit at his lip, his eyebrows raised as he looked at the bruised man before him. 

“Yes.” 

“Why don't you kill yourself?”

“I promised I wouldn't.” 

“So you cut your arm instead?” Negan blurted out. And for a split second, Shane could see the panic in his face before his face went expressionless. It went silent for a moment, it was tense as the two stood there. Shane staring at the man with crossed arms, which soon began to slowly unfold. His right arm that bore the scars was visible now.

“I don't anymore. There's no point.” Shane sniffed, there were at least twelve scars along his arm. He was ashamed as he held out his arm. “Look all you want. I saw you looking at them earlier, at the river. So go on- I don't give a shit.” Shane turned his head slightly. But he still could see Negan's face soften. 

He watched silently as Negan stepped forward. He was clearly interested but still hurt by it. It made him furrow his brows deeply. Sympathy was prominent in his features as he reached forward grabbing Shane’s wrist. Running his thumb over the closest scar. Exhaling deeply as he felt the bump of the scar against the pad of his thumb. His expression was one of bewilderment, almost awe.

There was a small moment, where none of the men moved. It was just Negan's thumb running along the pink scar and Shane watching him do this. 

And just like that, the moment was broken and Shane pulled away lighting fast, his eyes going wide. He held his right arm close to his chest now, his breathing quickened. “Don't-don't do that.” Shane shakily breathed out. 

“Sorry- I, Shit that was wrong of me to do. I didn't mean that-” Negan pulled back. Taking a few steps away. “Fuckin-Sorry.” Negan mumbled out. “I just want to help you, Shane, give you a job, give you purpose. So you can get back to a somewhat normal life, instead of hurting yourself.”

“Why the fuck do you care? I don't need your help. I was fine before you decided to show up and demand all my supplies.” Shane bit back a rather reasonable rebuttal. And Negan knew it was reasonable, but when was Negan  _ ever _ reasonable?

“You cannot look at me, and say you don't need help, you clearly do Shane.” Negan’s tone was pushy, but still caring...he was talking like Rick again, and god how Shane despised it. He hated how much he thought of Rick when Negan was offering him everything he needed generously, it was something Rick would do, and he _hated_ it.

Yet somehow-Shane felt as if this is the closest thing to Rick he would get. Of course, the violent tendencies and odd way of verbalizing weren’t the same but- underneath all of that, Shane knew he was more like Rick. Judging by this conversation….Shane could tell. 

And as Shane thought to himself he didn't have a rebuttal for that one. He choked as he stared at Negan. 

“I'm not...I'm not a people person.” Shane exhaled, finally speaking after a long silence. 

“Ah-you're an introvert huh? You don't strike me as the type.” Negan licked at his lips, blinking as he took a step forward once more. 

“The point is...if I agree...I want to go alone.” Shane mumbled. His arms crossing again. His leg bumping up and down as he stared at Negan head-on. 

Negan scoffed. “You  _ do _ know how that sounds right? Shit, why would I let you- out of all people go alone?” Negan raised his eyebrows. 

“Trust. That's one of the first things that needs to be established. If you trust me enough, then I won’t keep fighting...this.” Shane chewed at his lip, he wasn't lying. If Negan let him do this, then maybe he would stick around. Then maybe he would call someplace home.

“Shaney boy- I do not have one god-damn reason to trust you.” He was serious for a minute before a wide grin spread warmly across his face. “So sure, I’ll let you go by yourself.” He stepped closer again, absolutely loving the surprised look on Shane’s face. It got him chuckling. 

“I’ll schedule you- two days from now, you'll have healed up by then. But- Imma give you an amount of shit I want by the end of the day-” He took an even closer step. “And- if you do not have that amount of items well-” Negan pursed his lips and tilted his head. “You won’t like it. And! If you are not back by the end of the day! You will also not like what me and Lucille got in store for you!” He picked up the bat, holding it in front of himself. Grinning wide.

“Aint that right Lucille?” He grinned before his hazel eyes drifted toward Shane’s face, his eyes and head were hung, brown eyes staring at the floor. 

“Do you understand?” Negan brought the barrel of the bat to Shane’s chin, slowly lifting Shanes' head to meet his eyes, Negan grinned as he saw the intense wild look back in Shane’s dark brown eyes. It sent a shiver through his spine, he liked the fear he felt when looking into those eyes, those eyes that have seen some terrible shit. Negan knew it and Negan loved it. 

Shane’s body tensed as he swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing as he did so, he couldn't help but think of all the blood that had been on the bat that was on his bearded chin. But he nodded slowly.

“Mmm- I think I prefer words, Shane. I like your voice, cmon I’ll ask again. Do- you understand?” Negan’s teeth poked between his teeth as he smiled his eyes wide. 

“Yes- Yes I understand.” Shane breathed out, clenching his teeth as to not say something that would anger Negan. 

“What do you understand?” Negan held back a laugh, he loved being able to intimidate others, it wasn’t necessarily a good quality of his, but he always liked power, he loved being dominant. So this was a perfect situation where he had the upper hand. 

Shane inhaled, he felt like he was a child, but he kept glaring at Negan with intense eyes. “I understand that- if I don't get the number of items for you, you won’t be very happy with me. You’ll probably kill me.” Shane swallowed, his throat felt tight.

Negan stared at him, drinking in the sight of Shane. He enjoyed it, it got him giddy as he let out a soft chuckle before inhaling. “Damn-you got some real pretty eyes.” He mumbled, hazel eyes dragging across Shane’s bruised face. Then finally he pulled the bat away. “Atta-boy!” He leaned back as he mocked Shane. 

“Now was that so hard?” He giggled his smile curling upwards showing more teeth.

Shane didn’t answer, he realized the mistake he’d made now, he realized how he’d just been manipulated and god- he felt so stupid, almost hurt. But he wouldn’t do anything about it, for this was all he had.

“Alright! Alright! I get it, enough talking for one day- damn I cannot imagine being an introverted ass like yourself.” He chuckled, swinging Lucille over his shoulder as he turned to walk away. “Oh!” He called as he turned his head. “Get some rest- doc will check up on you in a couple of hours. You’ll get food n’ shit.” He waved as he left the room. “Toodles!” He called from the hallway.

Shane exhaled, running his hand over his face, he needed a shave. But his thoughts were mostly on the fact that he got a second chance, a chance he didn’t deserve from a terrible man. But Shane couldn't deny Negan, he didn’t know why, but it bugged Shane, maybe it was just the manipulation of the situation, he couldn't tell, but Shane kept running his thumb over the first scar on his wrist, the one Negan had touched, it burned Shane, it dug its way into his memory, it would be a lasting memory, he hadn’t been touched in an entire year, so the first feeling was getting hit by Negan and then getting his self-harm scars softly grazed by Negan, it was confusing as much as it was comforting. 

_ “Comforting? That shit is not comforting.” _

Shane thought to himself, anger boiled in him as he bit his lip. 

_ “Whatever...all I need is rest...just some sleep.” _

Shane sighed. Leaning back on the mattress, it was comfortable, more comfortable than the one at his place he was staying. And as Shane slowly lulled off to sleep his mind couldn't help but stray to Rick, it would always happen when Shane was about to go unconscious, he would see his face, his body, his smile, his lips, and lastly his eyes, No matter what order it was in, it would always end with Rick’s eyes, wide and blue staring into him and then nothing. 

And then, darkness. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO NEEEGAAAN!!! Negan has finally made an appearance here! I love him so I couldn't not add him in here! He's one of my favorites and I have always wondered how it would've gone if Shane and Negan met. So yep- I did it lol!
> 
> Welp darlings I hope yall enjoyed this chapter! Sorry, there wasn't a lot of Rick in this one :( But please comment!!! I love your feedback and always reply!!! Anyway thanks!!!


	8. Where'd You Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane goes off to complete his first supply run where he meets an unexpected friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS FINALLY HERE OMG- THIS TOOK FOREVER! IM SO SORRY, I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON AT HOME! IM DOING A PERFORMANCE IN 5 DAYS SO THE NEXT CHAPTER WON'T BE OUT FOR A WEEK OR MORE :( BUT HERE IT IS, SO CW: talks of death/suicide and SMUT! so yeah Uh here it is, I was very nervous abt this chapter so don't be too hard on me!!
> 
> btw sorry for any misspellings or mistakes! I was a bit stressed while writing anyway enjoy!

  
  


The days passed by slowly, even if Shane was in and out of consciousness frequently- he could still feel the slow hours drag on, they were torturously slow, and Shane couldn't stand it. On the second day of being confined to the medical room he could barely sit up straight, his head pounding and aching with every movement he made, no matter how small. His condition only worsened as time went by, he would  _ technically _ be fine, it was just the pain of the whole situation, maybe it was because he was practically starving before he was taken by Negan, so his entire body and immune system were weak in general.

Even if one of Negan's men brought him food three times a day and the doctor constantly was giving Shane pills for his pain, Shane could barely keep himself awake long enough to ask questions or shave or ask to take a shower. It was all foggy to Shane, most of what he could recall was being provided with an itchy blanket that was red, and eating his meals quickly before taking more pills and well...passing out again. 

But finally, it was his third day, which was the day he was supposedly scheduled to go on a supply run alone, just as he requested. And that morning he was on the brink of okay, Shane was able to sit up without the back of his head pounding. And he could stand without feeling like an unseen force was pulling him back down. 

So Shane exhaled deeply, scrubbing at his face with his bandaged up hands. Hissing at the prickling pain on his face and palms. He was thankful though because god knows he’s had worse injuries. 

The doctor strolled in a few minutes later. The nervous little man looked up at Shane, his eyebrows raising as a pleased but small smile made its way to his face.

“Oh good- you’re standing.” The man quickly made his way to the bedside table. “But I do advise you to keep taking aspirin, just follow the instructions on the bottle, yeah?” The nameless doctor took the bottle from the drawer, handing it to Shane. 

Shane just grunted in response, nodding his head a bit. Before looking down to the bottle, studying the fine print on the back. It was familiar but Shane kept his eyes down. 

“Do you have any other questions before you get ready? Negan has a room set for you.” The doctor slid his hands into his pockets, raising his eyebrows and adjusting his glasses. 

“My room?” Shane looked up quickly now, clearly confused. “Whaddya mean my room?” He bit out, stepping closer, the man physically stepped back. Almost in fear, and it made Shane feel  _ giddy _ .

“Y-Your room, Negan gives everyone a room w-whos important.” The doctor spoke quickly. “I’m supposed to um, show you to your room. So if you could just  _ calmly _ follow me. I’d appreciate it,  _ Negan _ would appreciate it.” The man was nervous, all Shane could think of was that this man shouldn’t be alive, the only reason he is-well it’s because of Negan. How pathetic was that? But Shane just scoffed.

“Then go on-” Shane ran an injured hand through his hair quickly. And the doctor nodded. Leading the way down the hall while Shane trudged behind, he was still barefoot, still in the bloodied tank top and dirty jeans he was wearing since he got here. Though as the random “Saviors” passed him by, they didn’t spare him a glance, as if this was a normal occurrence, as if it was normal for others to be walking by, bloodied and dirty. Shane found it to be strange. But as he thought on it more, he wasn’t surprised- because as he took a glance out of the window he saw a couple of men outside, behind a fence with walkers, all running-all panicked looking, barefoot and dressed in dirty grayish-brown sweatshirts and sweatpants, barefoot. They weren’t as injured. But still had bruises along their faces. 

But soon enough they made their way to a door along the hallway, and that was that. Shane just gave a quizzical look to the doctor. “This is it?” He questioned softly, his voice was gruff and still raw, his throat had been feeling sore these past few days so he kept his speaking to a minimum. 

“Yep-it’s probably plain right now but don't worry, as time goes on you’ll collect more stuff to personalize it and it’ll feel just like home!” The man smiled at him, and Shane was detested by the positive outlook the doctor offered him. So Shane grunted once more and just stared at the man. 

“You mind?” Shane cocked his head to the side, raising one eyebrow at the man. 

The doctor immediately backed off, apologizing before turning away and scurrying down the hall. 

Shane gave a heavy sigh before twisting the knob open, he barely looked at the room as he entered and immediately closed the door, resting his forehead against the wood. He finally was alone. But he didn’t care much, all he wanted to do was be back on the outside. By himself in the little cabin, making beans over the fire silently. 

And just as Shane slowly began to get settled he heard the creaking of a chair behind him, with no hesitation he whipped his head around, ignoring the pounding sensation that immediately went off in the back of his head, his brown eyes wide as they settled across the room. 

It was Negan. He had a book in hand, he was leaned back, his legs spread widely as he grinned wickedly at Shane. “Well hey there partner, you’re looking much better than yesterday.” Negan set the book down on the drawer beside him. He now crossed his legs. Tilting his head to the side, scratching at his bearded jaw. He was just sitting there-and it irked Shane more than anything that has happened this morning.

But he inhaled deeply, trying to calm the now sudden, painful pounding in the back of his head- Shane was only slightly glad it wasn’t a threat- or at least, for now, wasn’t a threat. But Shane just grunted a bit, eyeing the freshly folded clothes laying across the bed’s comforter. He took in the space. Sure, it was plain- but Shane liked it that way, he had no attachment to “his” room. So he walked over to the bed, grabbing at the clothes and recognizing them. It was all of Shane’s clothes he could have sworn would have been taken away. He fought down a soft smile as his eyes drifted back up to Negan’s gleeful composure. 

“I thought this was  _ my _ room.” Shane forced out the words in the most respectful way possible because he had to come to face it- Negan was the leader now. Nevertheless, he wasn’t necessarily in a talking mood, he never really was these days. Ever since Rick, it’s just been radio silence. Just his head buzzing with thoughts he was glad no one else could hear. And now this new annoyance interrupted his thoughts and was the absolute worst, but he couldn't do anything about it. 

“Well yes- but also no Shaney boy, cause you see-you gotta  _ earn _ it.” Negan’s pink tongue poked out from between his teeth in a grin. His eyebrows shooting up in amusement as he tossed the book on the bed. He sat up- adjusting himself. “Remember our little deal? I hope you do- because I’ve got that list for you that I promised.” 

Negan now made his way to stand, and Shane felt almost paralyzed. It wasn’t exactly fear that made him feel as if he was stuck and unable to even turn his body to face the other man. It was just the memory of his first day, it was just watching Negan's hand pull out a crumpled paper and watching as his thumb swept across the crinkles to smoothen it out, it was the fact that his wrist felt itchy as he watched Negan's hand-that the same hand that held Shanes wrist with such eagerness and curiosity, that just made him want to vomit up all his emotions that were buried so deep Shane couldn't recognize them at times, and he didn't recognize what he was feeling now, but all Shane knew was that he wished it would stop, it was like a burning hole in his chest. So prominent-it lodged itself in his throat as he tried to speak.

Shane just pressed his lips together, quickly clearing his throat as he looked up at Negan. He furrowed his brows and then looked away. “Is there a shower in here?” He simply asked. Ignoring everything Negan was trying to make clear about the supply run, he even ignored the paper that was being held out to him. 

His eyes kept studying the room as a moment of silence washed over the two of them. And finally, he heard Negan exhale. “It’s in fucking there- “ Negan stopped to gesture to the door across the room. “but before you do anything you need to go over this, you are due at 3 pm, someone will come to get you or some shit.” Negan pushed the paper into Shane’s hand with a distressed smile that Shane could see right through as his eyes made contact with his face once more.

“Fine.” Shane shrugged as he watched Negan scoff and fall back into the armchair he was once sitting at. He crossed his legs, his hazel eyes studying Shane in stubborn silence. Shane didn't look at him, instead, he began to move around the room, searching for a towel, basically ignoring Negan's presence. And he knew it bugged the other man, Negan was used to be treated like a fuckin god. Shane saw the way the others cowered before him, they would get on one knee for him like he was a king, and Shane was determined to defy him. He was letting his pride get the best of him, but he didn't let himself linger on it for too long.

Shane found a towel, it was nice, white, and clean. It even smelled of softener and detergent. It almost seems foreign to Shane as he held it in his hand. Feeling the soft cloth. 

“Don't get used to this shit,” Negan mumbled from the corner of the room. He seemed more defensive than before. And Shane knew his defiance was getting to him. “Remember that if you, don’t get every last thing on that god-damn list, it’s over for you. I mean hey- at least you’ll get what you wanted.” Negan leaned his head against his hand. A smile spread across his face as he watched with hazel eyes, it was obvious he was still hoping for a response from Shane.

Shane looked down at the crumpled paper. Reading it over. Expressionless as he realized how much of this shit would be extremely rare to find, and he knew Negan was doing it on purpose. Not that Negan  _ wanted _ to kill him, he made it clear on the first day-acting like Shane had a purpose, and all of that it was just Negan wanted Shane to bow down and accept that this is what life was now. That's all Negan wanted, power….he loved seeing the fear he could cause just by using his words and stares. It was exciting and he loved it, Hell, he was addicted to it. 

Shane looked back up finally. Raising an eyebrow at the man. “You realize half of this shit will be impossible for me to find.” Shane huffed as he turned to the bed collecting the clothing and choosing which one he would wear today. He finally settled on a brown t-shirt- and just normal cargo pants. He tried to ignore Negan's staring. 

“Yeah well, sorry about that, kinda just went around asking the people what they want, they gave me a few items and so I thought well what the hell? Why not give the list to Shane? After all, you were the one who wanted to go alone if I recall correctly. So I don't really wanna hear you bitch and moan about it.” He tilted his head back a bit, a dry laugh sneaking its way out of his throat.

Shane scoffed lightly. Rubbing his eyes, fatigue settled over him in an instant. He wasn't ready to go out on a supply run for an entire day and night, not at all. But then again- Shane wasn't one to back down from a challenge. So he sighed heavily and set the paper down on the bed. 

“Fine. That's fine.” He spoke through gritted teeth as he all of a sudden began to strip himself of his tank top- ignoring the fact Negan was now staring with a wide glance. 

“I'm going to take a shower- if you don't fuckin mind,” Shane growled out as he raised his arms- pulling the dirty cloth off his back, throwing it on his bed. He rolled his shoulders back quickly, the bruises along his back stung as he moved, but he didn't make any noise. He could feel Negan's eyes boring into him as he threw his towel over his shoulder, grabbing his clean clothes. 

“Well,-” Negan started, his voice low and laced with something unfamiliar, but Shane knew somehow it would turn into mocking within a second.

“Hot-god-fucking-damn, Shane! Look at that! Just stripping for me, and I don't even got to ask!” Negan barked out, laughing as he sat up, not even hiding the fact he was taking the entire sight of his bare muscular scarred torso. Shane rolled his eyes, his body feeling uncomfortable as he turned towards the bathroom. 

“Shut up- I’m going to take a shower, and I swear to god, you better be out of here by the time I’m done.” Shane stared at Negan, deadpanned as he saw Negan's jaw open then close, He wasn’t used to being talked to like that, being the leader and all he probably was used to respect, so Shane was half surprised when Negan just raised his hands and nodded reluctantly. Shane eyed him for a moment, before turning away silently and rushing into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and exhaling. 

He waited a minute, he stood there with his back pressed against the smooth wooden door. Finally, he heard footsteps- they stopped for a minute before continuing, then a door opened and closed and the footsteps descended. 

So Shane pushed himself up to standing straight and slowly began undoing his belt. Throwing it to the floor, then the pants were off, and finally his briefs. He did it all slowly, every movement giving him some sort of new pain or ache to deal with, his entire body was stiff and bruised. But he made his way into the shower slowly. Turning on the water to the highest level of heat, he missed the sensation of the water rapidly hitting his skin, especially burning hot water that would leave his skin red, and that’s just what he needed now. 

So Shane opened the shower door, stepping in and letting the water rush all over his body- he let out a hiss, it was painful at first. His muscles tensed but he leaned back into it, The hot water rushing all over his shaggy hair and beard. He  _ really _ needed a shave. But he turned his face upwards, he could slowly feel the dirt and grime being washed from his body as he began to run his rough hands over his shoulders, stomach, chest, legs, his arms. Everywhere. He continued this until he turned his head seeing a bottle of soap next to him. He furrowed his brows before reaching for it. Shane was surprised to see it was full. So he popped open the cap and the smell was strong, it was of cedar and pine, it was similar to the one he used before the world became a living hell.

He poured some of the soap onto his hands and ran his hands along his body once more. The sensation was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, and Shane shivered in discomfort as the scent filled his senses. He ran his soapy hands through his hair, scrubbing along his scalp, his eyes closing as he then proceeded to wash it all away. He stayed there for a while afterward. Slowly becoming accustomed to the way everything felt and smelled. And soon Shane was turning off the water and drying himself off, he wiped down the mirror as he found a razor to shave with. 

And after maybe fifteen minutes of struggling he was now freshly shaven. Though his hair was still the same length. It was getting too long for Shane’s taste though. It was starting to slightly fall into his eyes, he would need to trim it soon. But for now, he just brushed it out of the way and walked out of the bathroom. He was glad once he saw Negan had truly gone, so he dropped his towel and got dressed, finally, he sat back down on the bed, it was springy-still comfortable though. So Shane fell back on the bed, laying on his side. His headache had improved thankfully so the impact of his head upon the pillows resulted in no pain.

Shane was conflicted though as he laid there in the silence of what would possibly be his new room. His mind just kept traveling to Rick, what would he say about it, what would he tell Shane? What would be his advice? Would he have tried to run or fight, or maybe just succumb? 

‘ _ No, Rick is a leader, he’s stronger than that. He wouldn’t have listened to an asshole like Negan.’ _

Shane bit at his lip, furrowing his brows as he let his inner thoughts consume him.

_ ‘But-I'm not Rick.’ _ Shane exhaled. He knew it, he knew how different he was from his former lover, and he  _ really _ wished he wasn’t. It gave him an angry, frustrated feeling in his chest. It kept growing and he could barely lay down still.

_ ‘I just miss you, I miss you so much, Rick.’ _ He grimly thought to himself, his head was beginning to pound again as he thought of all the things he missed about Rick, how much he missed the long glances of diamond blue eyes. He missed the way Rick's hand would drag lazily across his cheek as they kissed, or when he would call him pet names while whispering how much he loved Shane. He missed the way Rick laid beside him, dragging his fingers along his chest and stomach, long fingers dancing over his pectoral muscles, dragging over his tattoo, or how his fingers would slowly finger across his necklace. Tracing the number twenty-two. 

Shane closed his eyes, rolling over to be on his back. And almost immediately the image of Rick beneath his body came rushing back to him, more and more intense the longer he kept his eyes shut. The image of Rick’s legs wrapped around his waist, moaning as Shane slid inside of him for the first time, Rick begging to be fucked ruthlessly- he would never forget that moment. Or the day he sucked him off for the first time, Rick coming undone under him slowly, the sound of his breathless moans filled Shane’s head up. 

Shane didn't even realize how hard he had gotten in the span of two minutes. He hadn't touched himself in a  _ very _ long time. After he had left, everything had just been grey, it was just Shane clinging on to what little sanity and what pathetic life he had left. So there had been no reason to touch himself, it wouldn't have made him feel better anyway, no matter how much he wanted it.

But now he was here. He was in a safe haven, even if it didn't feel that way. But  _ he was _ and it gave him a false sense of security. Shane needed it. He needed to feel something other than this stubborn and residing guilt. 

So Shane’s brown eyes opened, he shifted, sitting up so his back was against the backboard, the tent in his cargo pants was prominent, and he wasn't even fully hard yet, he looked down at himself, unsure of what he was about to do, he thought for a moment before standing and walking over to the door, locking it for good measure. Before taking a few steps back and sitting on the bed. 

He started slow like Rick would do. He reached down, slowly palming himself, His breath hitching, he would be sensitive, but that didn't matter much. Shane had no reason to be self-conscious and honestly, he was thankful, though he would much rather prefer Rick to be on top of him, riding his cock, pumping him with his tight ass instead of Shane using his hand, or even vice versa- but Rick was gone. So, memories were all that Shane had to aid him currently. 

He kept palming himself, the bulge growing harder and harder. Until of course Shane couldn't take it anymore and he was lifting his hips, pulling the cargo pants down his strong thighs and down to his knees, he experimentally squeezed himself through his briefs. Groaning breathlessly, his eyes closing and his head going back. His mouth agape and he laid back on the bed fully, pulling his briefs down as his cock sprung free, the change in temperature making him shiver. Nevertheless, he wanted and needed this more than anything else currently.

Sure, he should be planning out what places he’s going to go to find certain things on the list, maybe making strategies if he comes across a horde and whatnot, but in the end, Shane saw two endings- one, he found every item with amazing luck and got to stay, or two, he didn't find all the items, Negan would kill him or allow Shane to stay but make him bow down and degrade him. 

It was obvious which choice Shane would prefer, but for now, lust engulfed him as he licked his palm, slicking it with his salvia. Before grabbing his cock with no hesitation. Gasping out at the wonderful feeling and involuntarily bucking his hips into his hand, he had no reason to deny himself of this, normally Rick would hold him back and he would do the same to Rick. But now...he had no Rick with him. 

_ ‘He’s gone, he’s not here anymore, why do you even think about him? It’s over, it was over since you promised you wouldn't leave and then broke that promise to him, it was over when you lied. Rick is gone.’ _

Shane curled into himself as he pumped his cock, he pumped himself fast, his grip tightened, squeezing his cock the way he liked -he was ruthless he didn't care much to think of Rick now. Because, what was the point? Because all he knew was that he  _ had  _ to move on. It wasn't healthy for him, because he could already feel the gut-wrenching feeling of sadness as he let out a sad, pathetic moan. One part of him kept trying to forget, and another part wouldn't let it go. 

Shane squeezed his cock tighter as he kept pumping himself, the muscles in his arms flexing as his back arched. A choked out moan wrangling out of him. He wanted to think of anything else than his former lover. Anything, anyone else. But every imaginary person he thought of didn't help. 

He kept trying but was interrupted by a loud and hard tapping on his door. Shane’s breath hitched. 

“Open up Shaney boy- time for you to saddle up and find me some goodies!” Negan called from behind the door. “Hope you’re done with that shower!” 

Shane could practically hear the grin in his voice. His voice rumbled low in Shane’s ears, and it was odd, Shane didn't stop, instead, his arm went faster. Yes, he was  _ that _ desperate for release. Just to relieve all the tension in his body that had been stored up for a whole year.

“ Hurry up! We don't have all day Shane!” Negan banged on the door once more. His voice going rough, he was annoyed, but his comment didn't help Shane. Because it encouraged him even more oddly. Hearing his name being yelled, and being told to hurry up- somehow got Shane huffing even louder.

Shane bit down on his free hand, which was a fist now, he was trying to be as quiet as possible, closing his eyes even tighter, spreading his legs even wider. The warmth in his stomach growing hotter and hotter, feeling his balls drawing into him and he let out a soft moan. Whimpering as his chest heaved. 

“What the fuck are you doing in there-” Negan’s voice wasn’t as loud as before, just curious-but it was still rough and he sounded extremely annoyed. Still hating the way Shane disobeyed most of the time, half the time Negan didn't even let people talk to him the way he let Shane talk to him. And he hated it, he wanted to see the fear in those intense eyes, he wanted to break him. So maybe that's the reason he’s letting him go on this supply run alone, give him a challenge he’ll fail, then he can get him on his knees, begging for his life. But for now, Negan was just concerned about getting the door open. 

“Oh fuck, oh please-” Shane whispered to himself, going to a sitting position. Swiping his thumb over the head, spreading the clear precum down the rest of his cock as with his free hand he reached for his towel. Having it close by for clean up. The danger of it all enticed Shane more than it should’ve. A part of him even felt disgusted especially since it was Negan behind the door. 

But he could feel himself gradually getting closer to the edge of his release. His head fell forward, his body spazzing out every few seconds. Quickly lifting his shirt, over his head, he didn't want to dirty a shirt he just got clean. And he was glad he did so because finally, Shane drew his orgasm out, stifling his moans as he felt himself coming, white thick stripes of cum shooting over his fist and across his stomach as he bit the side of his cheek. 

The knocking became more frantic now. “Jesus- I hope you aren’t killing yourself in there,” Negan called out, trying the doorknob. Which thankfully was locked. 

Shane huffed a heavy breath, his face warm and probably tinted pink. Sadly he had no time to bask in the euphoria, the knocking becoming louder and louder. So Shane found his voice as he began frantically dragging the towel over his cum stained stomach and hand. 

“I'm coming! Hold on-” Shane growled out, sounding more aggravated than he wanted to. But he didn't care much because the knocking finally stopped. He finally cleaned up and threw his towel to the floor in the corner. He would clean it later- but for now, he stuffed himself back into his pants, he was now flaccid so it was easy. He got up, pulling his shirt on and trudging toward the door. He took a deep breath, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand before unlocking the door.

He pulled the door open, immediately taking a good look at Negan, his eyebrows furrowed and he exhaled deeply. “Patience- you don’t have a lot of that do you?” Shane tilted his head to the side.

Ngan chuckled, Lucille was hanging over his shoulder as he stood tall, staring down at Shane, even if he had a big grin on his face, his eyes were far from humorous. 

Negan inhaled sharply. Grinning, “You shaved-” His hazel eyes looked in awe as they darted across his face. He could really see Shane’s face now and it was rather exciting to him, But he pulled them away from Shane. “Get your shoes on-you have some fun shit you gotta get done.” Negan drew out more seriously now. 

Shane crossed his arms. Studying Negan's face and now noticing there were a few drops of blood splattered across his cheek, and as his brown eyes moved over to the bat, the glove that was holding it was covered in blood too, and then Shane saw the bat, the barbed wire had chunks-pink chunks of  _ something _ . Blood covered the rest of Lucielle. It got Shane wincing and Negan noticed immediately.

“Oh-I see you’ve noticed Lucielle’s lil makeover huh?” He moved the bat in front of him. Blood dripped to the floor. And Shane’s nose stung as he smelled the metallic smell of gore.

“Is that-” Shane started, but he stopped-swallowing the lump that formed in his throat. 

“Some fuckin idiots brain?” He raised his eyebrows, he spoke with glee. “Short answer is yes.” Negan swung her over his shoulder once again. Leaning back on his heels. “The long answer is someone thought it was a cool ass idea to start giving information to one of our suppliers who was trying to cross my ass. And besides, he was an asshole anyway.” Negan gave a toothy grin. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane didn't expect to be provided with anything for this supply run but was pleasantly surprised when he was given a truck- a rifle and handgun a machete and a shorter knife shaped like a talon which he enjoyed much more than the rest of the weapons. Plus some food, water, and a flashlight. Though Negan didn't bother to send him off, instead he disappeared into his quarters. 

Some man named Simon sent him off. He was similar to Negan in the way he acted, though he seemed more unhinged, more of a temper than Negan who was cool and collected when speaking, after all that  _ is _ what made Negan so intimidating. This guy just seemed like he thought it was cool to act the way he did, grinning at Shane with wide eyes. It was odd behavior. 

Shane just rolled his eyes. Driving off, looking at the map, switching between the list every so often. He found a small town after maybe twenty minutes of trying to figure out the said map. He parked the truck and stepped out. His heavy boots tapping on the ground as he pulled out the list. The first thing on the list was Toothpaste, toothbrushes, and toilet paper, All circled together. So Shane sighed heavily, they had enough of that stuff back at the Sanctuary. That's what Negan called it- but Shane disagreed.

“It's more like Hell.” Shane had recalled saying to a smirking Negan, who wouldn't take him seriously. But it was true, they had everything at The Sanctuary so- Shane didn't understand it, but he did it anyway. It was funny though, he felt like he was going shopping. Shane walked through the town, finding a Pharmacy, he pushed the door open, immediately he was greeted by a walker. The skin was rotting, hanging off its fleshy face by a piece of skin, but its teeth were still sharp and chomping. It came for him the rotten arms going up to reach out and attempt to grab him.

Shane with precision grabbed at its nape and took his curved knife, jabbing it into the side of the walker’s temple. The growling immediately ceased and he pulled away. He huffed, eyes widened slightly as he kneeled. Now going through the backpack on its back. There he found ten cans of tuna, 2 handguns, and at least 13 packs of ammo. He grinned, stuffing it back in the backpack and carrying it on his own back as he began to walk around. 

The place was a bit cleared out, but not to the point where nothing there was useful. After half an hour of searching and killing two more walkers, he found wandering which also had some good supplies. He in total found three packs of toothpaste, five packs of toothbrushes which had four toothbrushes within each pack. He only found two rolls of toilet paper. He found bigger guns and more ammo and more medicine than he knew what to do with. But he was pleased, but he also knew he wasn't anywhere near done. And he may have seven more hours of daylight, maybe eight. But he knew he wasn't sleeping tonight if he didn’t get everything by the end of today, he would end up searching through the night, which was slightly intimidating but he thought he could handle it. 

So he loaded everything he found back into the truck, going back in to pick up some clothes he had found, considering it was on the list. And then he was walking around again, stopping to kill some walkers now and then. He kept finding more clothes than anything. He eventually found a jewelry shop, and yes, jewelry was on the list, Shane didn’t know for what, but he thought it was extremely stupid, and on the paper, in little parentheses, it said ‘rings!’ and Shane thought to himself. 

_ ‘Probably someone is getting married? Huh, wouldn't that be nice, getting married in the apocalypse? I wish I could've done that.’  _ He went over it in his mind, wearing a wedding band, sleeping in the same bed with the same person every night. It didn't sound so bad, and he was pleasantly apprised when he didn't find himself thinking of anyone in particular. 

He entered the store, it was barely even touched. There was one glass box that shattered everywhere but it was full of diamond-encrusted sunglasses and big earrings that were adorned with jewels that didn't catch Shane’s eye. But Shane found a duffle back in the back. Filled to the brim with cash. Mostly one hundred dollar bills. Which sparked an odd feeling in Shane. It was history now, and it was hilarious to Shane to think that once upon a time their world was ruled by whoever had the most of the now useless green paper.

So he took the duffle bag of cash and emptied it, the rolls of money tumbling out carelessly. And with no hesitation Shane started grabbing the rings, all of them were wedding and engagement rings. All so pretty- and worthless. But he grabbed at least twenty of them before getting interrupted by a loud honking noise. Shane tensed, dropping the bag almost immediately and jumping over the counter, running out and seeing a man by his truck, prying the back of the truck open, and succeeding. 

Shane picked up the speed. But he didn't scream or call out, He knew that would just alert the thief. So as he drew closer he became faster and soon enough the thief turned his head, gasping and he began to run as well. But Shane ran around the truck, cutting the man off who had a duffle bag full of ammo. Full of  _ Shanes _ ammo. 

He cut the stranger off, the man was wearing a loose-fitting, dirty dress shirt, his frame and stature smaller than Shanes so he wasted no time charging at him, tacking him down on the ground, as Shane and the stranger’s bodies met the ground Shane could hear the breath being pushed out of the man underneath him. Shane brought his knee up to dig into the man’s stomach. The man’s body went slack underneath Shane’s, the only thing moving was his hands, coming up to his face to protect himself.

“The fuck do you think you’re doing with my shit?” Shane yelled, grabbing for the man’s throat, digging his knee in deeper. pulling out his handgun, and aiming it in between his eyes with no hesitation. 

“Holy shit- hol-hold on! Please don't...don't shoot.” The man’s voice wavered. His brown eyes wide as he stared at the gun, narrowing his eyes. “Please don't.” He begged once more, and Shane didn’t want to be soft but he couldn't help it. The man looked truly helpless. 

“Then answer me.” Shane drew his face closer, grabbing at the man’s collar and pulling his head up roughly, forcing the man to look at the handgun. He furrowed his brows, cocking the gun and the man flinched, his breathy raspy and heavy. 

“Look-look! I was with a community before okay! They all, they all died!” The man spoke with a slight Hispanic sounding accent. Light brown wavy hair falling into his eyes as he began to shake his head. “I’m alone! Everyone else died and all of our supplies are gone! And I thought the truck was abandoned, it was just- it was just sitting out here, I didn’t know! Please-” He pleaded with Shane, the man’s voice going up a few octaves higher. 

“Shut up-” Shane cut the man off abruptly, shaking him a bit. “You said you were with a community?” Shane asked after a few seconds of silence. The man nodded frantically, he was now propped up on his elbows. “Tell me about it.” He grumbled-his expression was still angry, but Shane slowly began drawing the gun back. 

“Ok- ok,” The stranger started up, panicked still. “Well, our community was called The Dunes. We had been there since the beginning, a little closed off place a bit outside of the woods. We were doing fine then some other community just forced us to give up most of our things, they came to collect supplies each week. Barely gave us anything and when we couldn't provide…” The man trailed off. His bronze skin sweaty and he was still trying to catch his breath.

“Get up.” Shane began, he got up, reaching a hand out for the stranger, and the man hesitated but took it anyway. Knees wobbly as he took long breaths drawing them in and he tried to calm down after being tackled.

“You’re pathetic,” Shane grumbled, putting his gun on safety once more and stuffing it back under his belt. Sighing heavily as he raised his eyebrows at the other man. The man stiffened his posture, obviously offended but he kept his mouth shut, his slightly stubbled jaw clenching as he stared at Shane in silence. He ran his dirty fingers through his hair and smoothed his shirt. 

“What’s your name?” Shane reached down, picking up the duffle bag of his ammo, slinging it over his shoulder. Keeping his gaze on the stranger. 

“Maxwell- you can call me Max. It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head, his accent, his wavy hair shaking along as well, his accent piqued Shanes interest as he spoke. And as a small moment of silence washed over them Max was fiddling with his hands. Mostly fiddling with a ring on his index finger. It was blue and made of plastic, it caught Shanes attention but he decided not to pursue it. 

“Okay...what was the name of the community that killed your people?” He chewed at his lip casually. Watching the other man closely, Maxwell shifted his weight from leg to leg, he was still fiddling with his hands nervously. 

“Funny thing is- I uh...I don't know. Every time they would come by, all the parents took the kids inside- my son...I would wait inside with the rest of the parents and my boy. The leader wasn’t very keen on sharing information about this group, they kept it a secret at first until we found out when we came back from a supply run and some guy took our supplies we had just earned.” Max winced at the words. Still frantically fiddling with the plastic ring. 

“Well- I can’t help you there then,” Shane spoke the words harshly, trudging back to the truck, his back turned to Maxw, seeing as Maxwell didn’t even have a weapon Shane assumed he wouldn’t be getting attacked from behind. He set the bad back down into the truck. Sliding the door down and locking it again. 

“Wait- how about I come along with you? I’m helpful on runs! I’m-I’m good at searching, I can- help.” Max went along beside Shane. Standing shoulder to shoulder with him, eyes wide and frantic. It was obvious he didn’t want to be left alone.

Shane raised an eyebrow at Max. Thinking for a minute. Before moving away from him, he started walking across the street to where he left the bag of wedding rings and other things. And of course, Max followed along. He acted like a lost puppy, it was as endearing as much as it was annoying.

“I...have a community. The Saviors.” Shane pulled his knife out. Handing it to Max. though Maxwell didn’t reach for it until Shane pushed it into his hands then continued as he grabbed his machete. 

“But it’s all pretty tough, you gotta have thick skin I guess.” Shane shrugged as he stalked into the store. Thinking of Negans treatment of his people. Thinking of today-seeing Negan’s bat covered in blood and chunks of skin. He shivered as he looked back seeing Maxwell still behind him. 

“I can have thick skin,” Max uttered from behind him. He sounded confident in himself all of a sudden but Shane didn’t believe the voice. 

“I’m not so sure you can, the leader is- he says a lot of weird shit, has an odd way of thinking. He’s... brutal but he has a system in place. Kinda merciful in a way to people who need help. But I think him strutting around acting all tough...Well, it’s all an act, just to get the other members to submit to him. He’s got a thing for being the leader, But I don't submit to his shit, besides I’m new. And I’m not necessarily in the group yet, I’m on this run to prove myself I guess- but I’m halfway done. And he says people are a necessity, so I guess I’ll get extra brownie points for bringing you back. He wants as many men as possible.” Shane grabbed the duffle bag and turned sound once more leaving the store.

“Huh, I get it. It doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, how’s the community set up?”

Max was now walking beside Shane, he rolled his sleeves up and Shane turned his head, taking a good look at the man, taking in his features. It was a bit foreign to Shane, meeting new people like this. But so interesting, he had an actual reason to stare. It was like a bigfoot sighting, it was rare nowadays. So Shane took in the fresh sight of a new face, of the tan skin and prominent curved nose of Max. The light brown hair that curled around his ears and nape and fell into his eyes and was puffy on the top. Even taking in the sight of the soft prickle of stubble that was growing along the jaw and chin of the man, the presence of a mustache that framed his face nicely along with the deep sad brown eyes and thick sad eyebrows. 

But finally, Shane cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair quickly. “It's complicated. It hasn't even been fully explained to me.” Shane huffed out as he jumped over the counter of the jewelry counter. Finding the duffle bag he had left when he had run to the truck. He bent down reaching for it until he heard struggling.

“Oh fuck!” Maxwell yelled out, so Shane lifted his head seeing a walker overpowering him. 

But Shane didn't run to the rescue just yet, he watched, curious intent as he watched Maxwell plunge the knife into the dead bastard's neck, not doing much damage then the walker letting go of Max’s forearms and stumbling back. Before Max could finally stab it in the head, the walker going limp and falling back as Max pulled his arm along with the knife. 

Shane watched as Max took a heavy breath, swiftly turning his head to stare at Shane, a mix of anger and confusion rising to his face, his cheeks tinted pink, along with a small splatter of almost black blood from the dead creature. “Why the hell didn't you help me?!” He barked out, wiping at his cheek. 

“I needed to see if you could handle it. Because if you’re weak, then shit-you don't get a chance in this world, even if you are being protected from other people, there will be a day where you gotta protect yourself, man.” Shane wasn't as aggressive but his eyebrows were deeply furrowed as he spoke. He set the duffle on the counter before jumping over it once more. He stood a few feet away from Max, but he moved even closer, looking down at the man, narrowing his eyes. 

“You wanna be strong?” He pressed a finger against Maxwell’s chest. His free hand resting on his hip. 

Maxwell stared at him with a bitter silence for a few seconds, lifting his head only slightly. “I  _ am _ strong. I’ve had to take out dead skins by myself for almost a month. It caught me by surprise.” Maxwell hissed, his timid demeanor from a few seconds ago seemed to be gone by now. 

“Yeah?” Shane tilted his head slightly, rubbing quickly at the back of his scalp. “Well that’s no fuckin excuse, they make noise-you should’ve heard it because God knows damn well I ain’t bringing you along if you cant protect yourself.” Shane removed his finger, stepping back and grabbing at the duffle bag roughly, trudging out of there, and after a few seconds of silence, Shane heard the tap of shoes against the floor behind him. He smiled to himself slightly. It felt odd- having someone be dependent on you, even if you tell it to them straight. He expected Max to leave yet here he was a few seconds later, walking beside Shane silently. 

“What else is on your list? I know some department store in a mall, few miles from here-a couple used to camp out there, they died but had this enormous stash of supplies, guns, clothes, food, drink, even candy hah-” He leaned against the truck as Shane stuffed the duffle bag into the back of the truck, whipping out the list and taking a pen, scratching a checkmark next to “jewelry” on the list.

“How’d they die?” Shane grumbled. Staring at the list, checking off other items. 

“Well-I...walked in and they immediately were trying to kill me. So I was running, around the mall, trying to fuckin hide from them- it was genuinely one of the scariest moments in my life, it was like...they were hunting me.” Max ran his fingers through his hair as he recalled the events. “So, I protected myself. The woman had me in a corner with an ax. So I overpowered her and threw her off the railing. When her partner saw- he….” Max trailed off, furrowing his brows and swallowing thickly. “He threw himself after her. He killed himself.” Max avoided Shanes eyes that were now staring intently at him.

Shane let a tense silence stew. Thinking for a few seconds about what to do. So he stuffed the list and pen back into his pocket before reaching his arm, clasping the man on the shoulder and squeezing at it gently. Shane ducked his head slightly, trying to catch the brown eyes with his own.

“Ey-” Shane started up. “I killed people too- don't feel bad about it. You were trying to protect yourself. Out here it’s survival of the fittest. You should be proud to be alive- you fought for it, you earned it. God knows some people out there don't deserve it. But you- Max you do. You didn't have any malicious intent, besides you haven't even tried to kill me yet, so- I don't think you’re a bad person if you’re concerned about that.” Shane patted him on the shoulder softly, Max looked at him with wide eyes, they even almost started to water slightly until Max pulled his eyes back down, taking a step back. Shane forgot words still had an impact on others, even after everything- words still seemed to matter. 

Max inhaled deeply. “Thanks, I just- I didn't think I had it in me to...to do  _ that. _ Especially to a couple…” Max bit at his lip. 

“No worries...a lot of people are capable of murder. I didn't think I was- the first time...I couldn't get it off my mind. My friend….he helped me. Hell- I had been friends with him for years, and when I told him I was fine he knew I wasn't. It’s easy to see how people are tortured by it. By killing another human being. Even if it was in self-defense. You could see it in their eyes. So yeah- my friend could see it all over me. Told me if I didn't have malicious intent then what was the problem, I was protecting myself and the people around me. And he was right. As long as you didn't enjoy it-” Shane smiled softly, trailing off as closed the trunk. 

“Well- you wanna maybe direct me on where to go?” Shane gave him a small smile. “Passengers seats comfy.” He shrugged his shoulders as he watched a smile spread across Max’s face. And it got Shane’s chest all tight, seeing a genuine smile...he missed it, he missed seeing people happy, and to know he was still able to do that, even after all this time still got him going.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The mall was a huge success, the stash still hadn't been raided, and it pretty much had everything Shane needed. It even had a record player and two boxes of records, it had a ton of toilet paper and even shampoo, body wash, and conditioner. There was a crapload of clothing, from tank tops to heavy jackets. And the number of weapons was crazy. Plus food- ranging from trail mix to sacks of potatoes and carrots. Plus there were mattresses and blankets- tons of things for comfort. 

“How about we camp here for the night after loading everything in the truck huh?” Shane raised an eyebrow at his new friend. They were both seated, Max on an armchair, Shane was on a mattress. “There are enough mattresses in here- we could leave two blankets behind, One maybe- I don't think I’d need one.” Shane tapped his machete on his knee in thought. 

“I don't care really- I’m fine with staying.” Max looked around himself. “Your leader is gonna be really happy with you.” Maxwell smiled. 

“Hopefully-If not then I guess I’m screwed.” Shane laughed softly. Scratching at the base of his neck. His eyes slowly trailed over to Maxwell, he was looking down, still fiddling with his fingers, specifically with that blue plastic ring. 

“What's that?” Shane leaned back, he set his machete to the side, raising his brows at Max. Seeing his head shoot up to look at Shane curiously. “Whats, what?” He asked, his voice was weak as he gave a small smile. He didn't want to talk about it and Shane had a pretty good guess on why Max was reluctant to share.

“Where's your son?” Shane grumbled out, all of a sudden the air felt thick, and Max was staring at him, plain hurt in his eyes. His expression was pinched in pain and he shook his head.

“He’s-” Max sighed, rubbing at his stubbled jaw. “When…” He tried to form a good sentence, yet it is hard to get the words out. “They massacred our people-” He finally got out, and Shane didn't react, he just waited.

“Me and my son, we got out-I got him out, and we were on the road for months, we couldn't even grab any supplies while we ran- we had nothing. My baby didn't even have shoes. He was only nine, and I - I couldn't protect him. It was three months maybe, he was so skinny- I was weak, a smaller horde was in town, and we were sleeping. Dead skins got in, I woke up and there he was, shooting at them. I pulled him behind me. I told him to run. And...once I finally got out, I saw him on the floor, a dead skin on him and he was screaming and crying, calling for me. And I ran to him but it bit his arm, and he stopped fighting it-and the thing just started eating at him. And I shot it in the head and I grabbed my boy, and he was barely conscious. He turned quickly, I had to-” Max stopped, he couldn't expand on the topic anymore. But he inhaled deeply. Rubbing his eyes. “He gave me this.” He held up his hand, the plastic ring having much more meaning now. “Back at The Dunes, he found it and gave it to me for my birthday,” Max spoke grimly. 

Shane raised an eyebrow. “I'm sorry, a woman back at my group lost a child. Hell, my best friend almost lost his kid too, but...I know how fuckin painful it is, I know I’ll never get it one hundred percent but...I know it’s the worst feeling you could ever have.” Shane felt guilty for asking, but Max didn't seem upset by the fact Shane asked.

“How about we start loading up the truck?” Max sucked in a slow breath. “Maybe after I’ll wash up and set up the mattresses?” He stood now, “let's start with the food-” 

Shane didn't argue, he immediately began packing up silently. He thought of Carl when Max told his story. He remembered the feeling he had when Carl was on the verge of dying, he would never forget it, so having your child  _ actually _ taken from you? Shane couldn't imagine it, he couldn't imagine the pain he would have felt, that Rick and Lori would have felt if Carl had not made it. 

But Shane shook the thoughts from his head, focusing on the task at hand.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was late by now. Both of the men had gotten cleaned up, changed their clothes to fresh ones that weren't covered in dirt and blood. The doors had been barricaded, the windows sealed up well. Somehow there weren't as many walkers in the mall, you’d think there would be more, but people probably steered clear because of the notion that it would be crowded. 

Shane was laying on his respective mattress. It was dark, but they had a few candles on, plus their flashlights. Max on the other hand couldn't sleep and was doing a crossword puzzle in the corner. Softly humming to himself. 

But the silence was getting to Shane. And he couldn't help it. “Where’s your accent from?” Shane suddenly quizzed, rolling over and looking at Max in the dimly lit room. Raising his eyebrows. 

“My accent?” Max looked up from his puzzle. His brown eyes looked almost black as he smiled at Shane. “Chile.” He simply answered. “I was born there, moved to America at eight years old.” He looked back down, circling something as he looked back up. “We moved to Washington. I grew up there.”

Shane smiled, sitting up now. “Washington?” He raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never been, how was it?” 

“Crowded, lots of tourists. Lots of gringos.” Max chuckled to himself. “Where did you grow up?” Maxwell set down his crossword puzzle fully now. Turning his body to fully face Shane now.

“Born and raised in Georgia.” Shane nodded. “Wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else- I miss it.” He sighed softly, running his fingers through his black hair a couple of times. 

“What do you miss about it?” Maxwell leaned forward, resting his head on his hands, the warm light of the candle shined on his face, accentuating his features wonderfully, Shane found himself staring for longer than normal, but he caught himself, finally clearing his throat. 

“Uhm, the people, my family. The sports, just everyday life-” Shane sighed softly. “I mean, I had to leave my best friend that I knew since I was seven. I would give anything to go back to him but...I just had to leave.” Shane’s shoulders tensed as he spoke, old memories dangerously floating back. 

Max hummed in understanding, nodding his head. “Why did you have to leave?” He raised an eyebrow at him. It wasn't long until Shane felt like sobbing and breaking down all over again, but he held it in as he slowly exhaled. “Well- we ended up sleeping together, he had a pregnant wife...and a son…” Shane spoke softly, shame-filled his gut and he looked away from the other man. 

“Before or after?” Max asked softly. 

“After- so we were alone a lot of the time. Going on supply runs-doing perimeter checks. And he got hurt badly, it was my fault...and so after that, I left. Besides, his wife found out. She wasn't...mad, but she wanted me to go. So I did.” Shane rubbed at his jaw. Waiting for a response from Max.

“My wife divorced me because she found out that I was gay.” Max suddenly spoke. Keeping his eyes on Shane. “She left, she left our son, she left me- just disappeared, left down because our marriage was a lie. She was right- it was. But still, I loved her, not in the way she wanted me to though.” Maxwell sighed heavily. 

Shane finally looked up. His eyes were a little wide as his heart almost dropped. He tried to find something to say, something relatively normal as he watched Maxwell smile at Shane’s reaction. 

“Sorry, that happened to you. Did you ever find another partner?” Shane's fingers twitched as he watched Max sigh, though his smile was still warm, the candlelight flickering across his face and lips as all of a sudden he was moving over to sit beside Shane on his mattress.

“No- I wasn't the dating type. Besides I had an image to uphold. I was a businessman before this. I had my own company, I was struggling with money- so If the news came out that I was also...well I would be done for.” Maxwell ran a quick hand through his hair, his knee bumping against Shanes. 

Shane almost flinched at the tough, it sent a shiver down his spine. He was practically itching to be touched by the other man. He was attractive, cute- endearing, and seemed nicer than anyone else Shane had met this year. But he wouldn't say anything of that matter for now. 

“I-I was an officer back then. But I certainly was the ‘ _ dating’ _ type.” Shane chuckled and was surprised when Max was laughing as well, it was a sweet-warm sound that filled up space and Shane felt warmer as he listened closely to the sweetness of the laugh. 

“I mean-I slept around a lot. Men...woman- I swung both ways I guess.” Shane spoke as the chuckling died down. 

Max still had a smile on his face though, his shoulder brushing against Shanes as he turned his head, deep brown eyes meeting as they looked at each other. Max grinning. 

“How about now? Men or women?” Max licked at his lips quickly, his voice was slightly more husk as he spoke, and Shane could feel his face going warm. 

Shane shrugged. “Both still-but uh….mostly...mostly men.” Shane huffed out, clearly flustered. He stiffened when he felt a warm, rather wide hand cup his jaw. His eyes went half-lidded, he leaned into the touch. Shane didn't hesitate to let out a heavy breath. 

Max smiled, endeared by Shane’s reaction. “You haven't been touched by someone in a long time, huh?” He softly spoke, staring warmly at the strong man sitting before him. Maxwell rubbed his thumb along his cheek softly. And Shane couldn't help but shiver.

“I’ve been lonely.” Shane let his voice drop low. He leaned into the touch, his knees pressing against Max’s own. His right knee slowly making its way in between the other man's thighs. 

He leaned close enough that their foreheads touched. They stayed that way for a minute. Just resting, enjoying each other's warmth.

“Max….” Shane tested the name on his lips. It came out wonderfully and Shane enjoyed the way it sounded in his mouth. Max enjoyed it as well, he shivered at the sound. “Tell me what you want,” Max whispered. His thumb still steadily caresses Shane’s cheek.

“I don't want to hurt anymore,” Shane growled as his hands roughly grabbed at Max’s sides. “I want you.” Pulling him closer. Clothing all of a sudden felt too restricting. 

Max couldn't help but whimper as Shane suddenly pulled their mouths together. It was rough at first, teeth clashing and lips harshly smashing together, but as Max climbed onto Shane’s lap and began to run his fingers through Shane's hair, Shane began to calm. He began to still as they kissed, soon the teeth and forceful tongue began to retreat, and it was slow and wet heat. The feeling of facial hair against his lips as he kissed Max felt foreign, even if it wasn't supposed to be, considering Shane had done this before. 

Slowly the kiss broke off, and there was just heavy breathing for a while until Shane spoke up. “What do  _ you _ need?” Shane asked, burying his face in Max’s neck, kissing softly, nipping at his throat. 

Max hummed in pleasure. Letting his head fall back. “I need to forget…” He whispered wholeheartedly, his voice breaking as he spoke. “I just wanna forget.” He shook his head, pressing their foreheads together once more as Shane nodded in understanding.

Though it struck a chord with him, he remembered Rick for a half of a second, he remembered their first time- Rick wanted to forget...he knew it- Rick didn't even need to verbally tell him that day. But Shane knew. 

Immediately he shook the thoughts away. 

_ ‘Forget him...forget him- Max is here with you now. Not Rick.’ _

Shane wasted no time unbuttoning the other man's shirt, he took his time- slowly and gingerly undoing the shirt, kissing Maxwell’s throat to pass the time. Feeling the vibrations of his soft moans as he finally got the shirt off, throwing it on the floor as he felt Maxwell’s hands go to the brim of his shirt. Maxwell pulled at the shirt. Asking for permission silently, so Shane nodded and raised his arms. The shirt coming off and being laid on the floor next to Max’s. The two men- with hands and lips roamed at each other’s torsos, slowly leaving wet trails of kisses along one another's bodies, leaving small marks of teeth and bruises along scarred skin.

Slowly Max pushed his hands against Shane’s chest, Pushing Shane to lie down on his back. He straddled his waist. Leaning down to press warm kisses against Shane’s lips, it was gentle, hesitant, and warm. Shane couldn't help but wrap his strong arms around Max’s back. Letting his calloused hands rub against his skin. 

It was new, it wasn't rushed and Shane moaned softly into the other man's wet mouth, running his thick fingers through the wavy yet almost curly hair. He didn't care much that his fingers were getting entangled in the light brown hair he adored it- plus he also adored the way when Max broke off the kiss and leaned back to take in the sight of his newfound love, he would begin to trace along his torso, pausing to finger at scars or beauty marks. Even at Shane’s tattoo on his chest. Max would trace it as he ground his hips against Shanes. 

And the ghost of Shane’s name would come out in soft little huffs from Maxwell's lips, and Shane couldn't wait until he heard it loudly, projected in a sobbing moan as the other man rode him tonight. He was already getting hard at the thought of it, Maxwell's touch was like a drug and Shane begged for more. 

“Oh fuck, touch me- Max, please.” Shane knew what he was asking for, he missed the company of another human, it was absolute bliss for him. He rolled his hips up and saw a kind smile on Max’s face as his hands dragged downward on Shane’s chest, his fingertips stopping at the hem of his pants. His eyes were dark with lust as his thumb played with the metal of Shane’s belt teasingly. 

Max leaned forward again, taking hold of Shane’s hand in his own, pulling it towards his face, placing it on his cheek. Max kept eye contact as he leaned into the hand and Shane visibly shivered. Max planted a kiss on his palm, this meant something to him, it wasn’t just a quick one time fuck. Unless that's what Shane wanted it to be, but for Max, this was something else entirely. There were emotions involved, there were feelings and aches of pain and hurt that the two men had held inside of them. And so the two of them held a gaze with a silent understanding of what this interaction was. 

So as Max leaned back again he gave a smile, one that Shane decided to return as his eyelids felt heavy. And Max reached down, palming Shane, slowly- almost lovingly but he didn’t know him well enough. But Shane was moaning, groaning out the other man's name as if it was a prayer. And Max loved it. He loved hearing his name tumble out of Shane’s mouth, it gave him some sort of confidence so soon enough when Shane’s bulge was painfully hard Max was pulling away at his belt and pulling at his pants and boxers and attaching his mouth onto Shanes cock within seconds. 

He bobbed his head slowly, everything seemed slow with Max, he took his time, rocking his head back and forth, licking up slow and long stripes against Shane’s shaft, all while making intense eye contact. And Shane wasn't complaining, in all honesty, he thought it was getting him more turned on, needier for Max’s body.

Shane shivered as Max soon deepthroated him. He made wonderful noises of gagging and Shane could feel his throat move around his cock. 

“Oh baby-Max...oh, you’re so good.” Shane huffed out. Bucking his hips up into Max’s throat. He gagged once more, but then followed up with a moan, allowing Shane to know he’s okay. Max ran a warm hand up Shane’s thigh. His other hand was going to his balls. Caressing and fondling with them. Shane was shivering and moaning now, he was over sensitive and so many sensations were happening at once. He didn't want to release so fast but he would if Max kept going like this. 

“Max-Im close-oh baby c'mon…” Shane muttered, drawing out a slow breath as he felt heat pooling in his lower stomach, his entire body buzzing with pleasure..then suddenly the hat of Maxwell's mouth was no more, and he was undoing his belt. 

“Not yet- I need you in me first.” Max tilted his head to the side, a kind smile on his face, his eyes even kinder as he got his pants off. 

Shane hummed in disappointment, but sat up anyway, moving toward him, He thought for a moment, smirking now as he pressed a quick kiss to Max’s jaw. He reached down in between his legs, palming Max now. “You want me to cum inside?” He mumbled against the bronze skin. And Max let out a shaky breath. “Yes...so badly.” His accent was thick as he spoke now, his voice husky as he let out a whimper. Shane grinned, “shit, we're gonna need lube-” He mumbled. Removing his hand from Max and standing. 

“There was baby oil around here- hopefully, we didn't put it in the truck…” Shane mumbled, looking back to see Max, he was fully nude now, stroking himself only slightly, trying to get himself half hard as he waited, he watching Shane who was also nude, he watched as he roamed around their little area, looking through the extra bags.

“I snagged something from my last trip here.” Max piped up. “Just for lonely nights,” he muttered, blushing as he reached for his bookbag, he pulled out a small bottle of actual lube. And Shane grinned at him. “God damn- the hell did you find this?” He made his way over to Max, sitting down on the mattress with him. 

“There was an adult shop on the 3rd floor.” Max handed it to Shane. “How do you want me?” Max asked, raising his eyebrows with that same warm smile that Shane was beginning to enjoy much more than he anticipated too. 

Shane thought for a moment. “On your stomach.” He finally answered and Max obeyed happily. Laying down and rolling over, his face digging into the blanket as he lifted his ass into the air and spreading his legs. “I-I haven’t done this in an awhile...mind not being so rough?” He groaned as he felt Shanes slicked finger already pressing into his ass.

“Of course-I’ll take it slow baby-” Shane began curling his finger as it slipped in down to the knuckle, he added a second one soon, and Max was moaning out, pressing back into him helplessly, and Shane couldn't help but think of Rick as he hit that deep sweet spot inside of Max which caused him to fuck back into Shane's fingers, sobbing out a moan that got Shane even harder than he was now.

“More~?” Shane growled out, leaning forward to kiss and suck at Max’s tan shoulder, leaving a mark that would be a deep purple tomorrow on his shoulder blade as Max nodded, moaning out as his back arched deeper than before. 

So Shane listened and slowly took his time to work in a third finger. He added more lube as he did so. Max moaned into the mattress, not wanting to be too loud nor wanting to sound too desperate, even if he was. He could barely wait anymore. He just wanted to be fucked by Shane. 

“Oh- oh please…” Max groaned softly, his eyes fluttering closed as he begged. Shane furrowed his brows, he knew what Max was asking for, and Shane didn't know if he was ready himself, he was unbearably hard and knew he would cum within a few minutes of being inside of Max. 

But Shane needed this more than anything now, so he pulled his fingers out of the tight heat and leaned back. 

“Come here-” Shane held his wrist, pulling him to a sitting position, and Max followed. “Wanna ride my cock baby? Hm?” He pressed a wet kiss onto Max’s neck, wishing so deeply it was Rick he was kissing and speaking to. But instead, it was Max, gentle and kind and soft. With light curly hair and sun tanned skin with deep brown eyes instead of the ocean blue, Shane longed for. 

But he didn't stop himself from pulling Max’s body onto his lap, and he didn't stop Max from sliding onto his cock with a breathy moan and closed eyes with long lashes. Shane didn't stop Max’s thighs from wrapping around his waist and his arms draping over his shoulders. Instead he basked in the feeling of Max’s warm blushed face and his prominent nose nuzzle in the crook of his neck sweetly. 

Shane whispered softly into his ears as the two of them slowly rocked their bodies, Shane ran his fingers through the wavy hair atop Max’s head. Pressing soft kisses to his shoulder as he picked up his pace. Max sobbed out a choked moan, his leaking cock pressed in between Shane and his own stomach. He longed to be touched but the friction created by Shanegrabbing onto his hips and lifting them just to pull Max back down on his cock was enough for him. 

“Oh-Oh Mi Amor-'' Max whispered, Shane didn't expect the little pet name to slip out but it warmed his heart, it was wonderfully endearing as he pulled back his head and began pressing soft wet kisses against Shanes mouth. Shane let his tongue slip in between his lips. Moaning into his mouth as he felt the familiar tightness in his lower stomach. 

“Oh, fuck me~fuck me harder, please! Please!” The soft husky voice pleaded with Shane, he sounded muffled moaning against his lips, desperately trying to rock harder down on Shane's cock. 

Though the words somehow stung Shane- he let Rick take over his thoughts again, he remembered the way Rick pleaded that same way, begging him to fuck him as hard as possible. So he did, he put all his stored up energy and stress into making Max scream his name and sob out high pitched moans as his blunt nails dug into Shanes back and shoulder blades, pulling at his hair as his back arched, his hole stretching as Shane pushed in deeper and deeper until he was balls deep in Max. 

“Shane, fuck- you’re so big..ay mi amor so fuckin big~” Max whispered against Shane's lips. Max could feel himself edging. Slowly reaching his climax as Shane picked up the pace. Shane was pretty quiet up until this point, his breathing was steadily becoming heavier and faster as Max’s tightness was becoming too much to handle. Soon Max was pulling gruff moans from Shane's lips, as they kissed Max decided to bite down on Shanes bottom lip, sucking on it and Shane knew he was done. 

“Oh, fuck-Oh fuck!” He went as fast as he possibly could, Max bouncing up and down on his cock wonderfully as he came, shooting hot thick cum into Max’s ass. Feeling warm liquid in between his chest as he heard a sudden strangled moan from Max as well, they came together Shane soon realized as the two came down from their highs. 

Max’s body shivered as he soon went slack. “Shane-” he mumbled, breathing heavily as he kissed lazily against Shane's collar bone. Not bothering to leave a mark. 

Shane slowly laid Max down, he was quiet as he did so, he slid out of him and took his place beside Max. He didn't know what to do at this point. So he turned his head and drank in the sight of Max with messy hair, red cheeks, slightly swollen lips, and a big smile on his face.

“I'm sorry,” Shane mumbled, what was he sorry for? He didn't really know, he could be sorry for fucking Max just to think of Rick instead, maybe he was sorry for Max’s dead son and community, maybe he was sorry he came so fast or sorry that he was an emotional wreck. In all honesty, Shane was sorry for all these things. 

But Max just smiled with sad eyes. “No, no honey, don't apologize.” He somehow knew what Shane meant by these two words despite giving any context. But soon Shane was feeling a warm hand cup his cheek and warm lips on his own again, and he welcomed the kiss, closing his eyes and imagining it was Rick, Shane felt disgusted by himself but as much as he wished he could forget Rick he really couldn't. He  _ hated _ himself for it.

“Thank you-” Max mumbled against his mouth before warmly pulling away. Giving an adorable smile, Shane tried to return a smile, but he felt fatigue setting in. 

“You should clean up-” Shane huffed. “I'm gonna head to bed, you can..you can sleep here if you want. It’s cold….” Shane offered, he didn't want to seem like a douche but his mind was preoccupied. He leaned in though, kissing him once more before rolling over, his back toward Max. 

He felt a soft kiss against his back after a few seconds of silence. “Ok, I’ll be back soon, I’ll head to the bathrooms.” He uttered softly, sitting up, collecting clothing and a bottle of water before stalking away to the far side of the small store. 

Shane sighed, holding himself as he pulled a blanket over his body, He shivered as he imagined Rick beside him, he could _ almost  _ feel him, _ almost _ hear him whisper.

“Shane, are you okay?” He heard the southern twang on his tongue as his lips brushed against his ear lobe, Shane turned his body.

“Rick?” Shane mumbled. His eyes widened at the sight. Rick was beside him, laying there- messy hair, a big smile with pink lips. “Hey, baby.” Rick sighed. His blue eyes icier than ever as he stared at him lovingly. 

“I missed you, where’d you go?” Rick hesitated to speak, his eyebrows furrowed as he asked. And Shane couldn't provide an answer. He just stared at him. And he blinked, confused as ever but as he opened his eyes Rick was no longer beside him, his blue eyes were gone and Shane remembered where he was. He remembered Max. 

And he couldn't help the muffled sob that erupted in his chest as he turned his body once more.    
“Fuck.” He mumbled out, he could feel tears forming in his eyes, but he wiped at them, he hated this, he hated the confusion and hallucinations. He hated the pathetic miserable tears in his eyes as he laid there. Sudden numbness washed over him as he closed his eyes. 

He thought of blue eyes and warm skin. 

He thought of Rick. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY- Im soo, sorry, ugh I didn't like this chapter but I tried :( And yes I made an OC for Shane- DONT WORRY THO, MAX ACTUALLY MOVES THE PLOT FORWARD FOR SHANE OK? But yeah It's hard seeing Shane without Rick! Anyway, please leave comments, I love feedback! I hope yall enjoyed ok BYEE  
> OH AND AGAIN SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES OK BYe


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